Thanks to today’s aspiring author for sending in this action/adventure excerpt for feedback. It’s called, “Heavies.” Please take some time to help this writer by offering constructive criticism.

‘Write your name here please.’

A cross marked the spot she indicates. Glancing over my shoulder I scrawl my name hurriedly across the page. The boat is pulling out of the dock but she doesn’t seem concerned, instead she takes her time to process my paper work.

She reads aloud the warnings, paragraph after paragraph. Rules and regulations that I must adhere to if and when I finally get across the border.

My passport is secured under her stamp and she waves me through. I sprint for the dock but it’s a wasted effort, the boat is long gone and it’s the last one of the day. Twelve hours, fourteen minutes and 32 seconds until the next boat; a night spent in the derelict terminal looms ahead of me.

Each passing minute makes it harder to relax, the hands on the big dirty clock face tick off my crimes. Tick, the penalties I will pay. Tick, the time I will spend behind bars if caught. Tick, tick, tick.

Word of the day toilet paper. This morning before I left the secure pod and ventured across the city to the docks, the last words on the roll before my last attempt at escape: ‘impending’. Smeared with my crap ‘impending’ was flushed down the loo.

In and out, that’s what Frank promised. The job was supposed to be clean, supposed to leave no trace of suspicion. I should have been sitting pretty.

This, it turns out, is what he meant by clean: I have to get my arse of the platform and clear of authority before day break.

Potential Feedback Prompts

When you respond, you might consider:

• your immediate reactions
• likes and dislikes
• anything that seems unclear
• language issues
• point of view
• voice
• inconsistencies
• general encouragement

Thanks!

Here’s our fourth fiction excerpt ready for critique.

You can check out the previous ones here:

• Not Quite, YA fantasy
• Feathered, YA fantasy
• On the Thames, literary short story

As you can see, YA fantasy seems to be the most popular genre amongst our readers. Still, I think it’s wise to mix things up every now and then.

Keep an eye out later this week for another call for excerpt submissions, which will include all genres except fantasy and YA fantasy.

Please leave some feedback for this aspiring writer:

I was nervous and it had nothing to do with the cop car trailing us. It was a common occurrence in this small town at nearly two in the morning and we weren’t planning any mischief, despite what our young appearance suggested. I looked fourteen. Silas looked eighteen. We were closer to three hundred.

Pretending not to notice the headlights at our backs, we kept sauntering astride on the cobblestone walk. I briefly wonder what they thought about us — a boy and a girl wearing all black in late September, with no other company. Not too long ago getting caught in such a state would have had severe consequences. At the very least it would damage one’s reputation, at worst one would be executed as a witch, unless there was an excellent reason. Times were different now, as evidenced by the car speeding up, leaving Silas and I in darkness.

“That’s it,” I said, nodding my head to indicate the building that was a few feet off. It was hard to miss. The structure easily took up its own city block. Silas paused to look at the building, the nearby lamppost providing enough light for us to clearly see it.

With the color leaving the bricks, the plaster decaying and the few decades of grime and graffiti on the walls, the place looked abandoned. Anyone passing by would be certain there wasn’t anything of interest inside — which was the point. Not just anyone could know of this place. But I knew about it. It’d been a sanctuary to me for the past four years and I wanted Silas to see it.

Potential Feedback Prompts

When you respond, you might consider:

• your immediate reactions
• likes and dislikes
• anything that seems unclear
• language issues
• point of view
• voice
• inconsistencies
• general encouragement

Thanks for your help, and thanks to today’s author for this excerpt!

Here we have another excerpt ready for your feedback.

Only, today’s piece isn’t going to be anonymous like the previous ones.

I’ve been getting a number of excerpts sent to me for review, but the problem is they are all YA fantasy (even when I’ve requested other genres). Not that I have anything against YA fantasy, but I believe variety is the spice of life.

So, while I have a few other excerpts waiting in the wings, I’m going to hold off on them and break them up with a little piece of my own.

This excerpt comes from the beginning of a literary short story I have in the works, which I’ve tentatively called, “On the Thames.”

Many of you would love to get some feedback on your writing, but are just too scared to put yourselves out there.

Like you, I’ve struggled to share my work with others. I’m posting this with the hope of encouraging you to overcome your fear, and take a necessary step forward in your writing journey.

Please feel free to tear this excerpt apart. I don’t plan to publish this short story, but I might submit it to an online venue in the future.

Doris twirled out of the bedroom closet, her dress a whirligig of purple satin, and stopped in front of her husband who sat doubled over on the edge of the bed, inspecting his socks.

“Like it, Henry?” said Doris, gathering either side of the skirt with pinched fingers.

Her cheeks had felt deliciously warm in the little department store cubicle when she had slipped the cool satin over her head and twisted side to side. The mirror made her hips appear narrower than they really were, and streamlined the curves of her upper arms, her calves. She had felt girlish, and free, and devilishly guilty when she reached for the price tag.

Perhaps she and Henry wouldn’t eat meat for a few days.

“Mmm hmm,” Henry nodded, without looking up. He held a sock in each hand—one navy, the other black. “These don’t match.”

“I’ll find the other, dear.”

As Doris bent over an open drawer, lifting and sorting, Henry’s voice came from behind her. “What did you buy a new dress for, anyhow? ”

“For the Walters’s dinner party, of course.”

“That’s three weeks away, Doris. And we haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

She turned, shut the drawer with her purple backside, and handed the stray black sock to her husband. “I only wanted to see what you thought of it, darling.”

“The Walters’s ought to give us all pay rises if they expect us to buy our wives new dresses every time they give a party.”

“Oh, I’m sure they don’t expect it, Henry,” Doris chided. Then, in a practiced, buttery voice, “But you wouldn’t want me to turn up in that same grey number I wore to all the functions last year, would you?”

Henry grunted his hairy foot into the missing black sock, but made no reply.

Please leave feedback and suggestions for improvement in the comment section below. Thanks!

Potential Feedback Prompts

When you respond, you might consider:

• your immediate reactions
• likes and dislikes
• anything that seems unclear
• language issues
• point of view
• voice
• inconsistencies
• general encouragement

Here is our second anonymous excerpt ready for critique.

The first got some excellent reader feedback, and I wish the author all the best with his/her writing.

Today’s excerpt is from YA fantasy work-in-progress, “Feathered.”

Please leave some feedback for the author in the comments section below.

The sun had barely crested the horizon when Emily Martin’s eyes snapped open. A chill ran over her body as she sensed his pain and fear. Her dark eyes filled with tears. Emily had no choice, she had to go to him. She couldn’t let him suffer alone.

Emily crawled to the edge of the bed she shared with her older brother Daniel. Carefully, Emily wriggled down the side of the bed ’till her feet touched the cool hardwood floors. She held her breath as Daniel rolled over. He would yell for their mother if he knew she was sneaking out of the house again. Daniel murmured something and stilled. Emily sighed with relief. Satisfied that he was still asleep, she tip-toed toward the front door. When she reached the living room she could hear the contented sounds of her father’s humming. She eased forward to peer around the corner. Casey was busy slicing bacon as he fried several eggs. Emily didn’t know where her mother was but didn’t dare wait a second longer. Darting on clawed tip-toes for the front door, she gently pulled it open and slipped out into the frost covered dawn.

Emily crouched next to the front door and glanced around to be sure she hadn’t been observed. The air was cool as it whipped through Emily’s long ebony tresses. The obsidian feathers that protruded from her golden skin rippled in the wind and caused her to shiver. Glancing around once more, Emily darted for the forest and vanished into the shadows.

Potential Feedback Prompts

When you respond, you might consider:

• your immediate reactions
• likes and dislikes
• anything that seems unclear
• language issues
• point of view
• voice
• inconsistencies
• general encouragement

Thanks for your help, everyone. I’ll put out another call for submissions very soon.

Here it is–our first anonymous excerpt ready for a free critique. Thanks to everyone who submitted, and I’ll open my inbox again in a few weeks.

But first, a few kinks:

1. Initially, I forgot to ask writers to specify their titles and genres when they submitted. I’m waiting to hear back about the title/genre for this excerpt, and I’ll update the post when I know. UPDATE: This is YA fantasy, which I suspected, and the working title is “Not Quite.”
   
2. I apologize to today’s author if the line breaks in this excerpt are different to what (s)he sent. The messages I receive through my contact page appear in one solid block of text, so I did my best to add line breaks where appropriate. In the future, I’ll ask for submissions pasted in the body of a regular email to avoid this problem.

Thanks for your patience while we work through these glitches.

And now, today’s excerpt:

“I’m Gallin,” he said, holding out a hand.

Cerean didn’t take it. “What do you want with me?” she asked. There was a strange black carving on the shelf next to her that looked heavy.

“I need you to save the world,” he said. Cerean picked up the thing and swung. It rammed into… something before it hit his head and was bounced back with a ringing sound. “That’s not very civil.”

Cerean decided to do the thing she was best at. She screamed and ran away.

“That isn’t how you hold a conversation!” Gallin shouted after her. She pounded on the door then picked up a sharp bar shaped object and tried to pry it open. “I told you, you can’t leave until you talk to me.”

“I don’t want to talk to you! You’re a lunatic.” She slammed against the door. “Help!”

“No one is going to hear you. We’re in a pocket dimension.”

“That’s comforting.”

“Will you just sit down?” The room had changed. They were now in what appeared to be an open air café with a waist high fence around it. A small table was in front of Cerean with two chairs. Gallin sat in one and Cerean reluctantly took the other.

“Fine. What do you want to talk about?”

“Saving the world.”

“That again?”

“It’s kind of important.” Gallin took a bite from a cookie that magically appeared along with a platter full of other sweats.

“So what do you want me to do about it?”

Please help this aspiring writer by leaving a comment with some constructive feedback. Thanks!

Potential Feedback Prompts

When you respond, you might consider:

• your immediate reactions
• likes and dislikes
• anything that seems unclear
• language issues
• point of view
• voice
• inconsistencies
• general encouragement

This week, I went to the library to load up on new books.

I deliberately chose one light read, so I would easily be able to identify its story structure–something I’ve been researching lately.

Though I wasn’t expecting literary perfection, I was quite disappointed in my selection. I found a number of common writing pitfalls that could easily have been fixed.

I’d rather not identify this particular book because I think anyone who’s managed to write a novel and have it published has accomplished something amazing. Still, I think we can all learn from the things that irritate us as readers.

Here are 6 easily-fixed weaknesses I found in this particular novel:

1. Too Derivative

Think total rip-off of Bridget Jones’s Diary. Everything about this novel is something I’ve already read or seen somewhere else. There’s absolutely nothing that sets it apart from other chick-lit books.

2. Stereotypical Characters

The main character is (you guessed it) a thirty-something professional woman living in a big city, looking for Mr. Right. Throw in two cliched best pals (one outgoing, one reserved) and a boisterous gay friend, and you’ve got a full cast of stereotypical characters.

Come to think of it, didn’t Bridget Jones hang out with those very same people?

3. Improper Story Structure

As I mentioned earlier, my main reason for choosing a light read was to be able to quickly spot the story structure. Unfortunately, the structure of this novel was off.

If you don’t know much about story structure, you can find tons of great articles by Larry Brooks over at Storyfix. Basically, a story should consist of a set-up, a response, an attack, and a resolution (in that order).

In this book, the inciting incident happens within the first few pages, and the ‘response’ part of the story takes up nearly the entire rest of the book. Near the end, you think the main character is going to ‘attack,’ –that is, figure out what she wants and go for it. But that never eventuates and the resolution is rushed, and questionable.

4. Unrealistic Details

The main character in this book pays a visit to a psychiatrist to discuss some of her issues. During one of the scenes in the therapist’s office, I was immediately aware of a few details that didn’t add up in my mind.

This particular psychiatrist–the best one in town–stocks wedding magazines in his waiting room and has a cuckoo clock on his office wall, which chimes every 5 minutes. While these details are meant to be funny, they struck me as too unrealistic.

People with relationship difficulties probably don’t want to read wedding magazines while they wait for therapy, and I might have believed the cuckoo clock if the doctor was described as eccentric instead of well-respected.

They’re only small details, but they can make all the difference if they make your reader say, “No way.”

5. Predictable Ending

I guessed the ending of this book on the first page. At one point later in the story, I almost thought the author was going to go in a different direction, and for the first time since starting, I was looking forward to seeing something unique.

Nope.

While not every story needs a huge plot twist or shocking ending, sometimes it pays to try something just a little out-of-the-box.

6. Lack of Character Arc

Our protagonists should grow through the course of our stories. They grow because–by the ending–they have overcome conflict.

I didn’t see a whole lot of growth in this novel’s main character. She spent the entire book making the same mistakes and exercising the same poor judgment. And, at just the point when I was convinced she had finally learned her lesson and would move into ‘attack’ mode, she went back to doing the same old thing again. It became difficult to sympathize with her plight.

It’s only in the very last pages that this character really starts to see what she needs to do, but I felt her final choices weren’t terribly convincing.

The Quick Fixes

Am I being too harsh?

To be fair, this book isn’t meant to be taken too seriously, but it could have been more fun and a better novel overall if the author had addressed some of these issues during the revision stage.

How can we fix these mistakes in our own work before we send it off to the world?

1. Stand out. If you’re using a common premise, find some way to make the story your own. Try changing the setting, the character’s occupation, their motivations. Better yet, give the overdone premises a pass and opt for something fresh in your genre.
2. Avoid stereotypes. Give your characters true human characteristics–at least your leading characters. No one is a stereotype in real life. We all have goals, needs, fears.
3. Stick to the structure. Story structure exists for a reason; without it, you don’t have a full and satisfying story. Make sure you have a set-up, a response, an attack and a resolution.
4. Choose details carefully. It’s so easy to write a scene and not think twice about the small details. When revising, pay close attention to ensure there are no details that contradict or seem out of place.
5. Make your reader guess. Yes, most endings are predictable to some extent, but try to keep your readers guessing as long as possible. If you’re giving away your ending on the first page, you might want to rework your manuscript.
6. Make your characters learn their lessons. Your main character needs to change throughout the story. By the end, he should have made some kind mental adjustment or realization that allows him to function better in the world. This should be a gradual adjustment, not something thrown in at the last minute.

What weaknesses have you found in books you’ve read?

What are your biggest fiction pet peeves?

Would you like to know more about Story Structure? Catch my review of Story Structure – Demystified that I posted back in October 2009. Any fiction writer will benefit from Larry’s proven knowledge in this area, so please do your novel a favour and buy his eBook on the subject – an eBook for which I am an unashamed affiliate!

If you’re writing a novel–or planning to in the near future–have you stopped to consider your readers?

Some of you write solely for the pleasure of it, never intending anyone to read your work. In that case, write however you want. Do what makes you happy.

Most of us, on the other hand, write to be read. We want to be published. To do so, our work will likely pass a number of eyes first: critique groups, beta readers, agents, editors, and finally–your target audience.

The last thing you want is for readers, at any stage of the writing process, to put down your book out of frustration.

Here are 15 reader frustrations to avoid when writing your novel:

1. Too many characters.  When more than just a few characters are introduced in the first few pages of a book, it’s difficult to keep their names and roles straight.
2. Can’t get into the writing. If your prose doesn’t appeal to your target audience, you might lose your readers. For example, those looking for fun and feisty chick-lit might be turned off by a heavy literary style. Write for your intended audience instead of trying to please everyone.
3. Sterile characters. If your characters are flat, if there’s nothing to set them and their struggles apart, we won’t want to cheer for them, and might not care enough to keep reading.
4. Unrealistic dialogue. Overuse of speech tags like “she hissed,” “he snapped,” “she stammered,” get irritating fast. Likewise, reading a character’s name too often in dialogue can be a turn off. Avoid more than the occasional “um” or “well,” or “er,” and keep dialogue realistic, but more coherent.
5. Inconsistency.  Your writing style, tone, character motivations, or even plot might begin one way and, unintentionally, change at some point in the book. Be especially aware of small details like names, occupations, physical descriptions of people or places, which can all fall prey to inconsistencies over the course of 300+ pages.
6. Experimental style. When a writer experiments with style or structure, the result can be refreshing or irritating. Your ability to pull off something out-of-the-ordinary depends on your skill as a writer, and your ability to connect with readers despite your unusual style.
7. Unclear character motivations. Have you ever read a book where a character does something, and you say, “Why on earth did she do that?? She would never do that!” Ensure your characters’ actions are in line with their motivations, and if they don’t appear to be on the surface, your reader must understand why not.
8. Stakes not high enough. In the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, a magazine columnist purposely (and repeatedly) makes herself look like a complete lunatic and stalker, for the sake of writing an article. If she writes the article, her boss will then let her pen columns on more serious subjects, like politics. Through the movie, I kept thinking, “Why doesn’t she just get a job at another magazine? And would she really humiliate herself beyond belief for this?” I know the movie is meant to be a bit over-the-top, but I didn’t buy that the stakes were high enough for the amount of trouble she went to.
9. Poor character description. A good number of readers don’t want to hear about “brilliant blue eyes,” and “long, flowing locks of blond hair.” We like to imagine characters for ourselves with a few minimal, relevant details.
10. Info-dumping. Heaping a lot of  backstory on your reader all at once stops the flow of your story. Instead, try to subtly weave in necessary details throughout the book.
11. Deus ex machina. Deus ex machina is a plot device which introduces a new character or thing out of nowhere, to solve an otherwise unsolvable problem. Your reader will know immediately if something doesn’t ring true.
12. Offensiveness. Any sort of gratuitous foul language, violence, or sex is going to alienate a portion of your readers right off the bat.
13. Hackneyed plot. If your novel features an often-used storyline, be sure you present it in a fresh way. Readers are used to seeing similar plots, but unless there is something that makes yours stand out, they may not bother to continue reading.
14. Unnecessarily long. If your story is well over generally accepted word counts for your genre, think very carefully about whether you’re adding too many unnecessary scenes or details. Use fewer words; choose better ones.
15. Ineffective structure. If all the good stuff happens at the beginning, or if nothing exciting happens until the end, your reader will be frustrated with the rest of the book.

If you’re just getting started or working on a rough draft, keep these in mind as you write, and avoid them whenever possible. If you’re at the editing stage, look over your manuscript with a thoughtful eye to see if you can improve any of these areas.

Can you think of any other items to add to the list?

A couple of weeks ago, we noticed there were certain topics writers just can’t agree on.

Discussion seems to be a huge part of the writing life, especially because there are so many hot topics to choose from. And, as we move toward the digital age, I believe the number of friendly arguments will continue to grow.

If you had to cast your vote for one side or the other, which would you choose?

1. (S)he, S/he, Him/Her vs. They, Them. Should ‘they’ be used in place of ‘he’ or ‘she’ when the person’s sex is unknown? If not, do you prefer to see said person referred to as ‘he or she,’ ‘he/she,’ ‘s/he,’ or ‘(s)he’?
2. Literary vs. Genre. Which style of writing are you committing your life to–literary or genre–and why? Which do you prefer to read?
3. Print books vs. E-books. Will E-books take over print books, or will they continue to be secondary? If you could only choose one format, which would get your vote?
4. Kindle vs. iPad. Devoted reading device, or multi-functionality? With all the recent hype over the iPad, do you think you’ll be converted?
5. Self-Publish vs. Remain Unpublished. If you knew you had a good book on your hands, but you were certain to never be offered traditional publication, would you self-publish and market your book yourself, or remain unpublished? Would your answer be different for fiction and non-fiction?
6. Plotting vs. Pantsing. Do you outline your projects before writing them, or do you pants your way through a number of drafts?
7. First-Person vs. Third-Person. Which point of view is more effective–first-person, or third-person? Does one POV work better for certain types of writing than for others?
8. Self-Edit vs. First Draft. Is it better to edit yourself as you’re writing (so you end up with a polished piece of writing on the first try), or to bang out a quick first draft (and be able to see the overall story before going back to add details and edit)?
9. Routine vs. Random Creativity. Do you commit yourself to either a strict writing regimen or a somewhat flexible schedule, or do you just write whenever the muse takes over? Do you force yourself to write even when you don’t want to?
10. Prologue vs. No Prologue. Are prologues more awkward and annoying than anything, or are they a useful tool? Would you include one in your current work, or should they only be used when absolutely necessary?
11. Library vs. Amazon. Would you rather grab a much-anticipated book from the local library for free (and maybe have to wait until it’s available), or fork out the money to purchase it online or from a bookstore?
12. Rhetorical questions vs. Not. Some agents claim to hate them in queries,  and here’s The Rejectionist‘s not-so-polite look at why rhetorical questions don’t work. Do you think a ‘no rhetorical questions policy’ is too harsh, or are there circumstances in which they’re effective?
13. Agent vs. Direct Submissions. When your work-in-progress is complete and polished, do you plan on searching for a literary agent to represent you, or will you go the route of direct submissions?

So, how do you vote?