Write It Sideways

Excerpt Critique: “To Break a Male Heart,” Action

Please welcome today’s anonymous aspiring author by reading the following excerpt and leaving some feedback.

To Break a Male Heart

Action

Walking out of the office building and feeling the sun on his face was a small pleasure, but it was one he enjoyed immensely. Most days at the office meant 10 hours in the chair shuffling papers around until the sun had well and truly disappeared. Today however the opportunity to leave early had been proposed and he didn’t need to be asked twice. What to do with these precious few hours was not in question either. He was driving straight home to surprise his sweetheart Alicia. From there they would head down to the beach with some fish and chips and watch the always beautiful sun as it set into the waves. He excitedly jumped into his car that was parked 5 levels down into the bowels of the earth and drove the countless stomach turning ramps back to the surface and pointed his car straight for home.

Just the thought of taking his shoes off and walking barefoot in the sand was enough to distract him as he turned into the street, so much so that he failed to notice the grey pickup parked on the kerb out front of his house. Hoping to perpetrate the perfect surprise he had shut off the cars engine as he turned into the driveway and rolled the last few meters to the garage door. Getting out of the car slowly and closing the door gently he tiptoed up to the front door. The trick would be getting the always noisy lock open and in the door before Alicia wised up to what was going on. He reached up to the door handle slowly and was about to push the key into the lock when he noticed the door was already open. He had spoken to Alicia a number of times about being security conscious when she was home alone.

Potential Feedback Prompts

When you respond, you might consider:

Thanks!