Join us on social media

Write It Sideways

  • Home
  • About
    • About Write It Sideways
    • Resources I Recommend
    • Write for us
  • My Portfolio
  • Blog
  • New? Start Here
  • Contact

Excerpt Critique: “On the Thames,” Short Story

August 13, 2010 Suzannah Windsor Freeman Filed Under: Editing

Excerpt Critique: “On the Thames,” Short Story
Image courtesy epicharmus on Flickr

Here we have another excerpt ready for your feedback.

Only, today’s piece isn’t going to be anonymous like the previous ones.

I’ve been getting a number of excerpts sent to me for review, but the problem is they are all YA fantasy (even when I’ve requested other genres). Not that I have anything against YA fantasy, but I believe variety is the spice of life.

So, while I have a few other excerpts waiting in the wings, I’m going to hold off on them and break them up with a little piece of my own.

This excerpt comes from the beginning of a literary short story I have in the works, which I’ve tentatively called, “On the Thames.”

Many of you would love to get some feedback on your writing, but are just too scared to put yourselves out there.

Like you, I’ve struggled to share my work with others. I’m posting this with the hope of encouraging you to overcome your fear, and take a necessary step forward in your writing journey.

Please feel free to tear this excerpt apart. I don’t plan to publish this short story, but I might submit it to an online venue in the future.

On the Thames

Short story

Doris twirled out of the bedroom closet, her dress a whirligig of purple satin, and stopped in front of her husband who sat doubled over on the edge of the bed, inspecting his socks.

“Like it, Henry?” said Doris, gathering either side of the skirt with pinched fingers.

Her cheeks had felt deliciously warm in the little department store cubicle when she had slipped the cool satin over her head and twisted side to side. The mirror made her hips appear narrower than they really were, and streamlined the curves of her upper arms, her calves. She had felt girlish, and free, and devilishly guilty when she reached for the price tag.

Perhaps she and Henry wouldn’t eat meat for a few days.

“Mmm hmm,” Henry nodded, without looking up. He held a sock in each hand—one navy, the other black. “These don’t match.”

“I’ll find the other, dear.”

As Doris bent over an open drawer, lifting and sorting, Henry’s voice came from behind her. “What did you buy a new dress for, anyhow? ”

“For the Walters’s dinner party, of course.”

“That’s three weeks away, Doris. And we haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

She turned, shut the drawer with her purple backside, and handed the stray black sock to her husband. “I only wanted to see what you thought of it, darling.”

“The Walters’s ought to give us all pay rises if they expect us to buy our wives new dresses every time they give a party.”

“Oh, I’m sure they don’t expect it, Henry,” Doris chided. Then, in a practiced, buttery voice, “But you wouldn’t want me to turn up in that same grey number I wore to all the functions last year, would you?”

Henry grunted his hairy foot into the missing black sock, but made no reply.

Please leave feedback and suggestions for improvement in the comment section below. Thanks!

Potential Feedback Prompts

When you respond, you might consider:

  • your immediate reactions
  • likes and dislikes
  • anything that seems unclear
  • language issues
  • point of view
  • voice
  • inconsistencies
  • general encouragement

Filed Under: Editing

About Suzannah Windsor Freeman

Suzannah Windsor is the founding/managing editor of Writeitsideways.com and Compose: A Journal of Simply Good Writing. Her work has appeared or is forthcoming in The Malahat Review, The Dalhousie Review, Prairie Fire, Geist, The Writer, Sou'wester, Anderbo, Grist, Saw Palm, Best of the Sand Hill Review, and others. Suzannah is working on a novel and a collection of short stories, both of which have received funding from the Ontario Arts Council.

« What Should I Write About? Focusing Your Ideas
23 (More) Websites that Make Your Writing Stronger »

Join the discussion

  1. Jessica Subject says

    August 12, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Suzannah,

    I liked that this piece was able to make the time period obvious without stating the actual year. I don’t care for the term deliciously warm, but found your words easy to picture in my mind. Well done!

    • Suzannah says

      August 13, 2010 at 11:27 am

      Thanks, Jessica!

  2. Magolla says

    August 13, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Congrats for having the courage to post your work! It’s hard to do, but it does get easier to post even if the comments aren’t always what you hoped they would be. I started sharing my stuff online when Miss Snark first opened her doors for query disembowelment. OUCH! It does get easier the tougher your skin gets.

    I thought this story felt very old fashioned and it immediately distanced me from the MC.

    Your descriptions a very good and I could visualize everything. But the flashback paragraph pulled me out of the ‘now’. Keeping it in the present would keep the pacing and the reader in the story–she can have all these thoughts as she poses in front of a bedroom mirror.

    The last line bothered me–you can’t grunt a foot into a sock. Try something like this, “Henry grunted, shoving his hairy . . . ”

    I hope my suggestions help. Good luck.

    • Suzannah says

      August 13, 2010 at 1:16 pm

      This is the great thing about getting feedback–other writers can see things we don’t notice about our own writing. Thank you for your fresh eyes and input!

  3. Eva Porter says

    August 16, 2010 at 2:44 am

    I was thinking the same, regarding giving us a certain time frame. The names, Doris’ hope that her husband would appreciate the dress, his disinterested reaction and grumbling about the Walters’s all makes this feel like a “Mad Men” type of era. That was a neat way to dispense the information.

    I feel like there’s something lurking in the background here. She seems very eager to please–yes, she loves the dress, and there’s something very child-like about her but I feel something more. It’s like a “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” vibe. I wouldn’t mind seeing how the dinner party goes down. It’s not going to be all about the dress…

    I would like more setting, though. The fact that they won’t eat meat this week means that the dress is definitely an extravagance that would effect their overall welfare. I wouldn’t mind seeing some contrast between this extravagant, colorful dress and maybe drab walls, faded bedspreads, etc. Something like how the dress is the one bright thing in the room.

    Hope that makes sense!

    • Suzannah says

      August 16, 2010 at 2:57 pm

      Thanks so much for your input, Eva. Great advice to add more details to the setting!

  4. Russell Debra says

    August 17, 2010 at 7:38 am

    Henry sounds like a PITA and Doris sounds a bit too dippy for me. I think in the last line of dialogue you could lose.. ‘Then, in a practiced, buttery voice’
    I get that Doris is trying to justify her extravagant purchase by making Henry feel bad.

    Other than that well done.
    Cheers
    Debra.

    • Suzannah says

      August 19, 2010 at 4:47 pm

      Thanks for your help, Debra! I appreciate it.

Trackbacks

  1. Tweets that mention Excerpt Peer-Critique: Literary, “On the Thames” -- Topsy.com says:
    August 13, 2010 at 2:53 am

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jessica Subject, Suzannah W Freeman. Suzannah W Freeman said: An excerpt from one of my short stories, ready for your feedback! http://bit.ly/bUaxiW […]

  2. Excerpt Critique Call for Submissions, Aug ’10 says:
    September 23, 2010 at 6:59 pm

    […] On the Thames, literary short story […]

  3. Excerpt Critique: “Shadowed,” YA Fantasy says:
    September 23, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    […] On the Thames, literary short story […]

Join us on social media

Browse the Website

  • Home
  • New? Start Here
  • Resources I Recommend
  • About Write It Sideways
  • Blog for Writers
  • Submit an Article
  • Contact Me

Browse by Topic

  • Best Articles
  • Editing
  • Fiction
  • Inspiration
  • Interviews
  • Language
  • Non-Fiction
  • Productivity
  • Reviews
  • Site News
  • The Business of Writing
More articles

SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS

Save 15% during our Summer Reading Sale!
  • Home
  • Index
  • Privacy Policy
  • Earnings Policy
  • Sponsored >
 Back to top 

Copyright Write It Sideways © 2025