Here’s our first anonymous excerpt of 2011, ready for your feedback. Please take a few moments to leave a comment for this aspiring author.
You Turn Me On, I’m a Radio
Women’s Fiction
In between the sink and the ice box was a small food panty with a glass door in front of which I danced for about seven years while my mother told me to set the table, wash my hands, don’t jump so much or I’ll spit up my food, and her last-ditch effort.
Stop dancing, you’re driving me crazy.
Behind this amazing private stage was the center of the house, our prime means of entertainment other than watching my brother build stuff, the tall stand-up Philco Radio.
Third room: Beyond the kitchen was the front parlor, the room for the television. On this day, still two years away from our first television, in our railroad apartment in Brooklyn, in the middle of a factory district on the cusp of the Golden Age of Radio and Television, my brother gave me my own, personal, private radio.
It was a table top Philco with a wooden finish I would one day paint a sickening turquoise, a horizontal AM dial, a needle which traveled with lightening speed east to west, two large round knobs for changing channels and controlling volume, and soft canvas material died a camel color, behind which were the tubes he could replace and the speaker.
A radio with a great sound and an AM dial that lit up in the dark and went from one end of the world to the other.
And that dear children was where our story began.
In a cold flat, in the fifties, at the beginning of the AM dial.
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When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
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- language issues
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Thanks!
This piece of writing has definite potential but just needs a bit of reworking as it’s a little jerky at the moment, For example the just from the kitchen to ‘the third room’ is pretty sudden, maybe a little too much. OTherwise, the ideas are definitely there and for the most part the writing’s good.
What’s a “food panty?”
On first read, I discover that this story is set (or begins) in the 1950’s, for some reason a favorite era to read. I’d have likely read on, simply on that reason alone. I’m intrigued by the meaning and symbolism of the AM radio, perhaps its presence takes us through time and carries a bit of the past with it. I also love the description of the radio. I can see it in my mind.
Structurally, I feel like some sentences are very long, possibly containing some unnecessary information. The longer a sentence, the harder it is for me to follow it to it’s intended point. The first sentence, I think, is meant to build to the point where mother tells her to stop dancing. I feel like that paragraph could be two sentences. Also, this part of the sentence,
“…and her last-ditch effort.
Stop dancing, you’re driving me crazy.”
I don’t think this makes the impact that you want it to make. You want the reader to pause, not stop. Maybe a dash or comma would fit better there, and I’d put her words in quotations and make it two statements. “…and her last ditch effort, “Stop dancing! You’re driving me crazy.”
I try to read my writing aloud. Natural intonation and emphasis might help determine where to cut some sentences down and where to place commas for pause and best impact.
This is the kind of flavorful book I like. It could go far. I would like to see the author pay less attention to how professionally the sentences are put together. The work sounds like a creative writing assignment. I would like to hear the words come tumbling out as if written more like a child.
Intriguing article…I was left wondering what else might follow as the narrator reads on. I agree with Melinda – the sentences may benefit from being broken into smaller ones – it’s a little breathless, but as vg johnson pointed out, this may be an effect to suggest the words of a child.
Some spelling points;”…a small glass panty…” (pantry) and “…with lightening speed east to west…” (lightning).
I love this. I had that radio, too and I danced. Please write more. Your last line is perfect. I think there is quite a lot of humor to come. The voice sounds like a young teen, someone who might be a friend to me, but the ‘dear children’ throws me a little.
It’s fun, I want more.
I am interested enough to read more of the story. However, I would also like to know what exactly is a “…railroad apartment…”? Perhaps, it’s explained later in the story, which would be ok with me.
there was a small spelling mistake in the first line, other than that it was a nice descriptive piece of writing I could see a little girl dancing in her old fashioned dress, it is something like a narrative you here at the beginning of one of those movies that are memoirs of fifties or sixties
I love the opening paragraph! The flavor and joy of the child dancing in front of the glass is beautiful.
I would agree with other commenters that structurally, some of the sentences need to be either broken up, or include some additional commas or other punctuation. for example, in the first paragraph, a comma following “glass door” will clarify the ensuing description. You could put a colon after “last-ditch effort” instead of a period so the reader realizes there is more to come in that thought, or, as noted by another commenter, put the mother’s words in quotes. A few changes like these throughout will really clarify what you’re trying to say.
I like the last sentence as well. It makes me wonder – what role is the AM dial going to play in all this? Great work!
great opening! I especially like the last line.
but I agree that the line beginning: Third room doesn’t flow with the rest.
sgardner2@hvc.rr.com
Hello, love it that you don’t mind random topics. Great minds can tell the story of anything. I think the “Show me, Don’t tell me” advice would apply here, although that can be a tall order. For instance, the first sentence could go – The location of our sink and ice box made a sandwich out of our small food pantry. – I am sure better writers could even help you out more. Just thought I’d throw that in.
My initial reaction to this excerpt is that I was confused. I found some of the sentences disjointed, and also the timeline itself seemed a bit disconnected. If these were reworked to flow more smoothly, it would greatly improve the readability, and enable the readers to follow through the thoughts of the narrator.
Having said that, I agree with calling3 that this definitely has potential. There are some really great, vivid descriptions.
Like others, I liked the overall feel of the setting of the story. I see two main types of problems.
One is technical editing stuff. Spelling (“panty”, which is just missing a letter and is pretty obvious, but is also jarring and funny and ruinous to the reader’s attention at the opening) which is allowed by the author to remain, meaning the author doesn’t edit the work.
And then another is grammar and rhetoric (by rhetoric I mean it’s technically correct grammar but has the wrong rhetorical effect on the reader.) 1= the end of the first paragraph, “and her last-ditch effort.” Why is there a period? Then the second paragraph which, I am forced to think, is what the last ditch effort is supposed to be. That’s the problem: I the reader have to think about what the connection is. 2=The third paragraph “Behind” is the center of the house, and in the next paragraph we are now “Beyond the kitchen”, leaving me confused about trying figure out where this domestic travelogue is going. 3=the third paragraph says that the tall stand-up Philco Radio is the center of the house, like you’re living inside a radio, because a grammatical pieces is missing, such as “where stands” our tall Philco Radio”.
In the third room paragraph there is way too much extraneous material: it’s the room for television? Who cares? Then we learn we’re still two years away from television, which we don’t care about anyway. I liked the railroad apartment (I don’t know what that is, either, but curiously I didn’t care because it sounded so apropos) in Brooklyn, in the middle of a factory district…but then I got lost again being on the cusp of the Golden Age of Radio and Television, when there’s already a tall stand-up Philco, so we’re beyond the cusp, and television is irrelevant to this story. I mean, we’re only interested in you and the beginning of the AM dial, after all.
We don’t care if one day you would paint the radio a sickening turquoise. That’s not part of this story and it takes away from the mood you’ve established in the railroad apartment. Also what are the channels being changed? Not on a radio. A radio has bands, I think. But I don’t that’s a good scene fit for a golden age Philco Radio (not impossible, and in Brooklyn there would have been FM for upscale classical music listeners only). It’s a good line about the lightning speed of travel of the AM dial.
My immediate reaction is that I love the detail. I do agree that it needs some re work. Some of the sentences run on in an awkward way. I liked the opening paragraph, but think it would have made more sense to say “wash your hands….you’ll spit up your food…stop dancing you’re driving me crazy.” The “you” should have been constant.
That being said, I liked the feel of the piece. I liked the title for one (Joni Mitchell!). I loved the detail of painting the radio turquoise, and the idea of the dial lighting up another world for the radio listener.
I didn’t care for the “dear children” line; it seemed a little precious to me.
Overall, it reads like something I would like to continue to see unfold.
This excerpt definitely leaves me wanting more which I find is a very good thing. It hooked me, and I want to know more about this radio. There were some things I was kind of iffy about though. The sentences were too long for my taste. In fact, that is one reason I put down some books. I just don’t like to read sentences where my mind starts wandering before I really know what’s going on or trying to be said. I would definitely shorten those.
The paragraph that starts with “Third Room…” Well, I’m just not sure about it at all. What was trying to be said, and what does the television room have to do with the radio if there wasn’t even a television yet, or am I reading that wrong? I was rather confused. Maybe that comes to it being one long sentence, and then again, there’s something about it that doesn’t seem to fit.
I would also like to see a little more detail of things, but the writing was great. I did enjoy it as I mentioned at the beginning. I believe that this has really good potential.
At the beginning, I like how the mom tells her to stop dancing it’s driving her crazy. That part was great, but I’m not sure how it works as a sentence on its own right after such a long sentence. It’s great, but structurally, I’m not too certain it really works right.
Great job though 🙂
Correction of pantry for panty and dyed for died, lightning for lightening.
If it were my story I would take out the “which” every time it appears, its similar to THAT and REALLY~ not needed.
I would also start the story “On this day, still two years away from our first television, in our ….”
As soon as I read this portion I wonder what happens next?, who is this girl? And I want to know more. Then I wonder what the dancing in the kitchen had to do with anything. I might be saved for later in the story.
Well done, you hooked me straight away and I wanted to read more. One typo, panty not pantry. Hope you finish it and I can read it.
Hi!
My first impression is that this is grammatically incorrect (sorry, I am an English teacher). I think that I see the impact that you are going for, but there are better ways to achieve it.
The other thing that I don’t like (it might be a personal thing) is the talking directly to the reader – it reminds me of Charles Dickens “Gentle Reader…”
Otherwise, I like the idea of it – the whole radio thing in intriging. I would love to see where this goes! Good Luck!
This story brings back fond childhood memories for me. As with the narrator of the story, the radio was only entertainment for my family. We did not have TV
Also like the story we had a ice box instead of refrigerator. This story accuately describes a family life centered around the radio.
I liked the rhythm of the sentences and the writer’s voice. It pulled me right in. I could picture the girl dancing in front of the glass door. I’d read on to see what would happen next.
I think this piece has a lot of potential and gets stronger as the narrative continues. It definitely hooks and intrigues me. However, the opening lines just don’t work as effectively as they could. They are a bit awkward, and the sentences are wordy. I’m not sure how I feel about the “dear children” part; it depends on what follows and whether the voice is consistent throughout the story. Also watch typos. Here’s an example: “died a camel color.” Should be “dyed.” Also, I’d recommend changing “camel” to “caramel” or something because “camel” is a modern color that wasn’t really discussed in the era you are placing your story.
I recommend starting with the strongest part of the narration:
It was a table top Philco with a wooden finish I would one day paint a sickening turquoise, a horizontal AM dial, a needle which traveled with lightening speed east to west, two large round knobs for changing channels and controlling volume, and soft canvas material died a camel color, behind which were the tubes my brother could replace and the speaker.
A radio with a great sound and an AM dial that lit up in the dark and went from one end of the world to the other.
And that dear children was where our story began.
In a cold flat, in the fifties, at the beginning of the AM dial.
“a needle which traveled with lightening speed east to west…”
This is simple, yet evokes a truckload of memories of radios and happy times I had growing up. This author certainly knows how to set a scene with his/her descriptive word choice, and I for one hope to read more of this someday.
Thanks for sharing!
Yes this except invokes many childhood memories growing up int he 1950s
all of the stations were On AM. there was no FM in those days. I listened to many stories on radio: The Lone Ranger, Dragnet and Gunsmoke. And I listen to the blow by blow discription of the Friday Nigt Fight. This was fun because I used my imgination while I listen to the radio.
My immediate response is I like the idea for the story. I love the radio especially old ones, so you’ve immediately captured my attention.
The story needs to breathe more, by that I mean more commas and full stops. eg: In between the sink and the ice box was a small food pantry, with a glass door in front, of which I danced.
Not checking for typos makes it look like you rushed to submit.
Word choice needs to be expanded eg: amazing and great are not strong words. An open thesaurus next to you as you write will make you a better writer.
You have a passive voice in parts; it can easily be made stronger. eg: The table top Philco radio, which had a wooden finish that I never liked, I would one day paint and even worse, sickening turquoise.
I don’t think the dear children bit works, it sound condescending, but it may work in context, as I haven’t read the rest.
Third room: Beyond the kitchen was the front parlor, the room for the television. This line is in a passive voice and it is also unclear.
The ending line works well, full of imagery that helps the story come alive.
Keep going and you will have a very readable story. Try this little editing tool, which will pick up things like a passive voice. http://editminion.com/
Cheers
My first thought: Please let it be sci-fi! It has great potential to be some kind of alt universe style writing.
I recommend that you have someone edit you for grammar and spelling and to ferret out anything that doesn’t seem to make sense.
I also agree with the statement to read your work out loud. I like to pretend I’m reading to a child or blind person, and add the correct inflection to the words to be sure I’m able to convey my message to my readers.
Interesting scene set up of a home and family! I actually like the last sentence and think it would make a great first sentence.
I wondered what the family did around the radio, what they listened to, how it affected their lives. The radio is a great way to tell a lifeline or dates in characters lives.
Hello, and thank you for letting us use your excerpt! I’ve scanned a few of other comments and see spelling and grammar issues coming into play, so I won’t go too much into that here. I think you’ve gotten some great feedback on those issues already.
“…and her last ditch effort.” This has probably already been mentioned, but I think this should be connected to the next sentence with a colon instead of a period. It doesn’t make sense, otherwise.
“Behind this amazing private stage was the center of the house, our prime means of entertainment other than watching my brother build stuff, the tall stand-up Philco Radio.” Adding some em dashes here might help clear up this long sentence. “Behind this amazing private stage was the center of the house–our prime means of entertainment other than watching my brother build stuff–the tall stand-up Philco Radio.” Also, does Radio need to be capitalized? Unless the brand name is “Philco Radio,” I don’t think so.
“On this day, still two years away from our first television, in our railroad apartment in Brooklyn, in the middle of a factory district on the cusp of the Golden Age of Radio and Television, my brother gave me my own, personal, private radio.” Again, a very long and twisted sentence, which makes it difficult to read. I wonder if you’re trying to cram too much information into this small excerpt.
“It was a table top Philco with a wooden finish I would one day paint a sickening turquoise…” This is a really nice detail, but will it become important later in the story? Is painting the radio a significant moment in this character’s life? If so, I’d keep it. If not, I’d cut it.
“a horizontal AM dial, a needle which traveled with lightening speed east to west, two large round knobs for changing channels and controlling volume, and soft canvas material died a camel color, behind which were the tubes he could replace and the speaker.” Here are a bunch of details of how the radio looked. The problem with this is that we already know from other details that this is an old radio, and I think we can all picture an old radio fairly easily without all these details. What might take this piece from ordinary to extraordinary would be if you made this radio more like a character in the story. Give it some life. Tell us how the radio affects this family, how it factors in the main character’s life. Obviously you can’t do too much of that in this one little excerpt, but you could weave in those details throughout the story.
“And that dear children was where our story began.” Not crazy about this line where you directly address the reader. If you keep it, I’d add punctuate it like this: “And that, dear children, was where our story began.”
I do really like the last line of this excerpt, and I think that one line is what gives this whole piece potential. I think with some work, you might have a really good story here.
Well done!
I think you’ve got some great imagery. (I particularly like the use of the term “railroad apartment”, which is a vivid and underused term from that era and sets the time and place beautifully, and should probably be moved up.) As a freelance line editor, I have to say that, grammatically speaking, it’s a bit of a struggle to get through, but some tweaks would make it infinitely more readable. Run it by your favorite English teacher or editor before you submit it to anyone, you’ll be golden!
(And please ignore my own typos and grammatical errors in that comment. Eek!)