Please welcome today’s aspiring author, Rob Kennedy, ready for a peer critique. Take a moment to read the excerpt, then please leave some thoughtful feedback in the comment section below.
If you are a writer whose excerpt has appeared anonymously on Write It Sideways, and now you’d like your name to appear on your piece, please contact me.
If you’re interested in submitting an excerpt to be critiqued, keep an eye out for a call this weekend.
The Disease
Suspense
I dialled the number; I knew it would be him that answered. ‘Hello, this is Peter Cross, is that you?’
‘What do you want Peter?’
‘Those men, those nine men that died on Christmas Island, did they have what Sammy had?’
‘What, how the hell would I know, what’s this got to do with me?’
‘I think there’s a strong connection between Sammy’s death and theirs; they look like they had the same symptoms as Sammy! The green mucus, it took only two days for them to die! Are you listening to me, what’s your name?’
‘I’m not telling you anything mate.’
‘Come on man, surely there must be some connection, you know the Health Minister Nicky Rexson, she was in that detention centre on Christmas Island two days before they died?’
‘So what?’
‘So there’s a connection, it was on the ABC news radio website, look it up. 21st of October, written by Debra Clayton, the ABC news radio website…’ the phone clicked off.
I had him worried or at least interested, there had to be some connection.
The next day as I was going to bed at about 10.30 the phone rang, it was him. ‘My name’s Paul, I’ll let you figure out if I’m telling you the truth or not. You’re right, the minister was there, and I’ve done a bit more digging, internally. I found a report on the condition of those nine men, they’re saying it was bird flu, but people don’t die in two days from bird flu, not all nine at once, it has to be something else; that report’s not complete. It was way too abridged for a report on the deaths of nine people, let alone refugees with bird flu; something’s missing – this is a cover up!’
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
Hello!
Here are a couple of difficulties I had:
a) I found it hard to work out who was speaking in the conversation. It wasn’t clear if the person who made the phone call was Peter Cross, or if the person who answered was Peter Cross.
b) Also the motivation for why the phone call was being made wasn’t clear, nor
c) the relationship between the two men or
d) who Sammy was, how come both men knew him, and why he/his death is important.
I realise, though, that this excerpt is very probably not the opening scene, so some of these issues may be cleared up by the time this scene happens in the book.
e) The transition from the first telephone conversation to the second feels rushed. And again, I’m not sure which of the two men is Paul or how they have each other’s numbers when they don’t appear to know one another but they both know Sammy.
Other than that, the excerpt has raised a lot of intriguing questions for the reader: what is the mysterious disease? Who are the nine men? What connection has the Minister got to the deaths? Why the cover-up?
And I’d like to wish Rob all the best with his writing. 🙂
My first impression… I was confused with the dialogue. Which one is the protagonist? And in the first sentence…Which one dialed the number. Is it Peter? Because you’ve started with dialogue, I don’t have feelings one way or the other for either man. Who actually hung up?
I believe you should state at the beginning who he knew would answer. It’s one thing to keep us in suspense, but we need enough information to understand the dialogue.
I dialed the number and knew Paul would answer. And then tell us who Paul is. A reporter, doctor, government agent? We need to know who these people are that are speaking. Is this person he called the only hope in finding out how Sammy died? Who is Sammy? Brother? Friend? Maybe Sammy is actually a girl, aka Samantha. The beginning doesn’t get us involved.
Don’t use the exclamation marks. I first got the impression the conversation was secretive, but with exclamation marks, sounds like he’s yelling into the phone. If the guy needs help, I don’t think he’d yell at the other person.
So far it’s ok. Obviously, you are just starting and so hopefully, after quite a bit of revision, everything will flow better. Right now, it feels a bit stiff. I have no feelings, although I am slightly intrigued as to why those people died. Who are those people? What and where is Christmas Island? I’m assuming that your characters are still being developed, so I won’t go too much into detail there. Actually, I think thats exactly what you need. More detail.
Best of luck to you!!! =)
I find that I would have to agree with Alice on the confusion of who is the protangonist and the antagonist. You want to be a little descriptive you want the scene to be intense and want your reader to want to read on to see what happens. I felt no connection with either character at this point.
Instead of saying “I had him worried or at least interested, there had to be some connection.” why describe how you knew he was worried like “there was trembling in his voice which lead to believe I had him worried or at least intrested. Or something like that.
What kind of report did Paul find medical, operative, news report?
Hope this helps you in someway.
I have to share some of Alice’s confusion above — I initially wasn’t sure whether Peter Cross was the MC or the person on the other end of the phone. Plus the ‘what’s your name’ threw me even more — this seems like a pretty familiar conversation and I’d expect both parties know each other. Finally, the whole conversation feels like mainly an “As you know, Bob…” creation — artificial dialogue that serves little purpose besides filling in back-story for the reader.
Also, the “I knew it would be him that answered” is awkward and passive, not what you want in an early sentence when you’re trying to snare the reader — “I knew he would answer” would be much clearer and more direct.
I definitely think there’s an interesting and gripping story lurking underneath here, but this vague phone conversation opening creates distance and is not doing the best job of grabbing the reader, in my opinion. There’s death, mystery, and a cover-up afoot here — I think you could create a much more immediate and tension-filled opening scene. Show us the MC actually making a discovery about the events, or better yet — experiencing the events first-hand.
Ditto to all of the above. It might help to clear some confusion if you add a thought from the POV here and there which is different than the dialogue, BUT it would be much more intriguing if you let us experience the POV’s discovery of the information with him rather than telling us the info. Any scenes important to a story should be shown..
This is overall an excellent way to grab the reader’s attention and pull him/her into the storyline fairly quickly. However, the first four paragraphs would be stronger and bring more immediate involvement if some phrases like “I dialed the number from the paper retrieved from my office neighbor’s wastebasket. Fingers and voice shaking, “Hello, this is……..etc.” Then, “As I remembered the conversation I had overheard in the next cubicle, I ………” Some grounding in place and circumstances, while still maintaining and building suspense in the reader’s mind, would really kick off this basically fascinating storyline with more pizzazz! Just my own personal reaction expressed here, of course. So pleased this author submitted this interesting sample here, for I enjoyed it quite a bit!
I commend you on starting your story with dialogue. It immediately set the tone for a story full of suspense. Rather than bogging the reader down with too much information you brought them right into some action. I would however, in agreement with the comments our colleagues made about connecting with the reader emotionally, follow the phone call with some back story; Sammy would be a good place to start.
I agree it was a bit confusing at the start and I had to re-read the first few lines several times trying to understand which character was asking for a name. The dialogue seemed familiar; that they both knew each other. They both know who Sammy is. So there must be a connection between them, but that doesn’t quite work as it is written.
Great start however. You have a good theme, just work on the plot.
The beginning leads you right into the action, the “hook” being the 13 men dead with the same symptoms (list more than one?) as Sammy..
I too had to read the first sentence again and figure out who the caller was. I also agree with some of the comments above, however, overall I think it’s the kind of beginning that grabs the reader and encouraging him/her to keep on reading with the promise of a good story.
A cover up for serious medical problems is always an attention getter. I think you can gather from most of the previous comments that this is all too abstract. No colors, sounds, sights, tastes, touches. No action, no character description, no setting, internal physical sensation, no facial expressions, no vocal cues, no tone, inflection, pitch quality, speed. Where is the person situated who answered the phone? Look up some Michael Crichton or any medical thrillers or any thriller, actually, and see how they opened the work in concrete detail. Well now: is this a thriller?
Love the concept of a medical or science fiction type of thriller. Ditto on making it a bit clearer who is talking. Also, read your dialogue to yourself.
‘What, how the hell would I know, what’s this got to do with me?’
“What, how the hell would I know? What’s this got to do with me?” Give pause to put the punch inthe response. You could even leave “What?” on its own.
The next day as I was going to bed at about 10.30 the phone rang …
Try if possible to erradicate the “as” and “ing” of it all. … The next night at 10:30, just before I went to bed, the phone rang. …. Try not to use “as” as a connector and whenever possible limit the use of the ending “ing.” Keep at it :):)
It’s the little stuff that get us all nuts. This sounds like a keeper, so work on it a little more. I’d love to have you use some of the comments here and maybe resubmit after you do a rewrite.
Write on !!
Hello Everyone,
I’m Rob Kennedy the author of what you have helped me with. I’d like to say a big thank you to everyone. Your comments have been very helpful I will take many of them on board. They will help to make it a better story.
I need to clear up something though; this excerpt is not the beginning of the story. It comes about half way through the second chapter. So there is lots of context that you did not get.
I can very much understand some of the comments about the story, viewing what I submitted as the opening of the story.
Once again, thank you to everyone. Now back to writing.
Cheers
Rob
Hi everyone,
Just wanted to say that excerpts submitted for critique do not necessarily need to be taken from the beginning of a story. That way, people can submit parts of their stories they feel need the most work or advice. However, in future calls for excerpts, I’ll be asking people to tell me whether the excerpt is from the beginning of the story or not, so I can let readers know and prevent confusion.
Thanks!
I think it will be an interesting story. It’s very rough, though. I want to care for the narrator, but he’s done nothing to help me cheer or hate him. Keep working on it. Develop a style for your character.
I enjoyed the read and the idea of there being an epidemic is suspenseful. I do think there are too many names introduced within a short space here. Full names wouldn’t likely be given in the conversation on the phone the way they are written here; try using only first names to make the talk seem more real. Keep writing! 🙂
Hello Rob Kennedy – a short and snappy piece leaving a mystery to be solved at the end. Maybe a trifle inconsistent – the caller knew who he was speaking to [para 1] In para 5 – the caller asks the person his name.
Maybe in the 1st para change ‘that answered’ to ‘who answered’
All the best with it.
Laurel
I enjoyed reading your excerpt, Rob, and I can feel the suspense of this scene. I like the dialogue, but I would also like to know what is happening around Peter. Is he alone? What is he seeing? What is he thinking? What is he doing other than dialing the phone? Is he smoking a cigarette? Watching a mother push her son on a swing set? What is the atmosphere? This scene feels important to your story, so make it more important by letting us experience it with Peter using our senses. Keep writing!