Please welcome today’s aspiring author, Zoe McKnight, ready for a peer critique. Take a moment to read the excerpt, then please leave some thoughtful feedback in the comment section below.
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What Happens in the Dark
Contemporary Women’s Fiction
*Please note: This excerpt is not taken from the beginning of the work.
A week to the day, I am at the Bronx Zoo. Thank goodness Morgan is asleep in her stroller. I’ve already picked away the polish on three of my fingernails, my palms are damp and I can feel the sweat dripping down my sides. I made sure to get here early, so I would see him before he sees me. I’m hoping the overcast skies and threat of showers keep people at bay, I can’t take the chance of being seen here with him. The zoo had been my idea, it needed to be a place which was child-friendly, public enough that I can get lost in the crowd if need be, yet private enough to suit his purpose. I look up and watch him enter the garden. He smiles and approaches tentatively. Oh, now he wants to be apprehensive, he was a damn tyrant last week.
“Hi,” he says, his eyes glued to Morgan. “So this is her?”
He kneels before her and studies her face, as if he’s trying to see how accurate the photos were, asking himself if she really does look like him? And unfortunately, she does. She has his nose, and his chestnut-brown eyes, she looks the most like him when she laughs, when the corners of her mouth curl up and her nose wrinkles. There is no denying to anyone who knows him, that she is his child.
“Wow. Look at that face. I can’t believe it. I have a daughter.”
I cringe at his words.
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
Excellent. Would love to read the rest.
I am intrigued. Love the POV and the descriptives about picking nail polish – it paints a perfect picture of nervousness, anxiety etc. “damn tyrant” interests me as a descriptive of character, makes me want to read more.
I like this a lot, and would read more. One thing I would actually suggest is: make it longer. My understanding from the scene is that this is the first time this woman is introducing her daughter to her real father — and it’s pretty clear she isn’t keen on him and maybe even has another husband/partner who believes HE’s the baby’s father. So that’s a pretty huge moment and is probably supposed to be very significant to this woman. So it should be to the reader as well.
Since you start the opening with “A week to the day” I assume the previous scene had to do with arranging this meeting. So I would definitely draw out this scene more and let us really feel how anxious she is, how much she doesn’t want to be there, how conflicted she is — whatever else she’s feeling.
Also I LOVE the line “She looks the most like him when she laughs.” It’s so good I would make it it’s own sentence, rather than tacking it on to the first part. So:
She has his nose and his chestnut-brown eyes. She looks the most like him when she laughs, when the corners of her mouth curl up and her nose wrinkles.
This is great! You pulled me in and now I want to know what’s up. Actually this part here;
“Hi,” he says, his eyes glued to Morgan. “So this is her?”
He kneels before her and studies her face, as if he’s trying to see how accurate the photos were, asking himself if she really does look like him? And unfortunately, she does. She has his nose, and his chestnut-brown eyes, she looks the most like him when she laughs, when the corners of her mouth curl up and her nose wrinkles. There is no denying to anyone who knows him, that she is his child.
“Wow. Look at that face. I can’t believe it. I have a daughter.”
I cringe at his words.
Would make a great blurb for the back of the book.
I liked it very much. It was an excellent opening to draw the reader in. Only one thing from me, the statement he was a damn tyrant last week is sort of out of place here, it’s too lighthearted compared to the way the rest is written. “damn tyrant”, using “damn” is not really a deeply serious condemnation. And not worth me going on about, either. Great opening.
Oooh! What an awkward moment, expressed so well! I, too, like the nail polish. I’m not keen on the perspiration — a little suggestion of dampness would have been plenty, or even skip it, since the nail polish detail gives it away so well on its own. I wonder how long a piece this is? If it’s a short story, then I like the present-tense for it. I don’t like it for longer works, but that might be just personal preference. I love that she chose the zoo. Great job describing the man by describing the child.
What I’d like to see is the mother’s love for the child and a bit of the previous relationship with the man. This, I’m sure, is not the scene for all of that, but hints would be good. This little excerpt makes me want to find out more; how she got to this place in her life, and what will happen next. I’m rooting for your character. I want her to take charge of her life, and I see her beginning to do this here. Yeah, the guy was a dictator last week, maybe, but she is the one who chose to comply, and she is the one who chose the place. I can just see her tipping up her chin and telling him how it’s going to be. Yeah, she’s good and strong and she’s going to get stronger. I like it!
This is excellent. You use wonderful imagry to captivate the reader without going on and on. I think the moment speaks for itself and you set the scene perfectly. I really want to read more. I am curious about the characters and want to know why the woman would want to let the “damn tyrant” see his kid. I fear there is something sinister afoot. You have me hooked. Well done.
As she was working on her nail polish I was biting my finger nails in anticipation. This is going to be a good one. Hmmm what mess did this woman get herself into?
I don’t think a question mark is needed here:
He kneels before her and studies her face, as if he’s trying to see how accurate the photos were, asking himself if she really does look like him?
I think the next line after this could start a new paragraph. It keeps the pace flowing and by isolating that statement – that the child DOES look like him, it gives it more impact.This is a big moment, and although not a typical action scene, it’s emotionally tense, and I think how the page looks helps set the tone and keeps the flow.
Lastly, you can drop last half of the sentence after I cringe, as that holds up on its own and we know what she’s cringing from.
Great work!
I am so busy today. (Our business got slammed by the tornado in Branson, MO.) I opened the email, but wasn’t going to take time to read the excerpt. HOWEVER; the first three sentences grabbed me! What an incredible writing style you have. I related to her instantly and was catapulted INTO the story. Super tension.
I think this is fantastic! You have achieved a balance that keeps us on edge and relating to the characters. You have a knack here for making the scene feel so real. Particularly the sweaty hands, the polish peeling, I mean what woman can’t relate?!?! I want to read the whole story now!
I am thoroughly intrigued. I felt the anticipation and anxiety of our main lady. I am eager to see if this man is someone she had an affair with or if this is a love from the past.
I really think this is wonderful.
Can’t wait to read the rest. Please do let us know when it is available. By the way, this is the greatest blog EVER! (Write It Sideways)
Other than the fact I would shorten some of the sentences with a full stop, it reads well. It’s always hard to comment on something out of context, but you’ve done a good job here. This is a compact scene, it works well.
Good work.
Three words…GIVE ME MORE! Two more words…loved it.
Love it! I can really get a feel for this character and her situation. However, I’m not sure “damn tyrant” fits the mood – I think it distracts from the wonderful tension you’d been building. I’d also suggest splitting up the sentence beginning with “She has his nose….”, as another commenter suggested, so that it’s “She has his nose and his chestnut-brown eyes. She looks the most like him when she laughs, when the corners of her mouth curl up and her nose wrinkles.
—But those issues are fairly minor. Overall, this was a great excerpt.
oh wow! Thanks so much for all of the positive feedback.
I’ve read some great suggestions as well. I can’t wait til the project is finished and I can share it with you all. Thanks again!
I loved this piece. These short paragraphs have me hooked and I am guessing at what it is all about. Whether in the beginning, the middle or the end, the writing is contemporary, engaging and at this point one definitely cannot put the book down. Well done.
Your description of the character’s anxiety is excellent – putting words to what we’ve all felt but couldn’t always describe. I agree with others that that first paragraph needs to be drawn out. What about dropping in some description of what she’s seeing around her there at the zoo, perhaps she’s trying to focus elsewhere, distract herself as she waits, but not succeeding. That would add to the tension of the moment, which you’ve done a masterful job of creating!
Well done Zoe for creating a piece of writing to which anyone, especially women, can relate. I would echo all the preceding positives, but I would advise you to rethink your positioning of commas as mistakes here could turn an editor/agent off eventhough you have what looks like a great story. Keep at it.
This is fantastic, however the dialogue jars for me a bit. I’d edit down a bit. Something like:
“So this is her?”, he says.
And:
“I can’t believe it. I have a daughter.”
I always think that with speech, it sounds more real if you cut as much as possible out.
I like it a lot. Short and snappy. It leaves open the question is the woman the mother of the Baby. We know that he is the father because the baby looks like him.
Lots of good description in the first paragraph to set the scene.
Really great telling details here. You gives a lot of information in a very short space. Your pace is excellent and you have a singular, identifiable voice as a writer.
“I’ve already picked away the polish on three of my fingernails, my palms are damp and I can feel the sweat dripping down my sides.” — great examples of showing, not telling.
I agree with Stephanie’s suggestions for edits. One thought about the last sentence. Even paring it down to “I cringe” is a little off to me. I’d love to see a great metaphor here.
It is very difficult to find a short part of a work that can pack so much of a punch. When I started reading I was wondering why she was so scared, then when he says, “So this is her?” a light clicked on. A 4 word sentence that clicked so many parts into place.
I suspect that this exerpt was chosen when the chooser read that line. It is the best part.
It begins with a description that makes the reader wonder what, the punch comes so suddenly we know and understand what she was worried about, and ends with enough of a hook that we want to read the rest.
Great exerpt.
I really enjoyed this piece. The viewpoint’s voice was engaging. The use of action to show emotion was well done (“I’ve already picked away the polish on three of my fingernails, my palms are damp and I can feel the sweat dripping down my sides.”) What I would recommend adjusting though is the last line of the first paragraph. “Oh now he wants to be apprehensive” is enough to let the reader know that there is a change in behavior. His being a tryant last week is too much telling. Work that in earlier or later in more dramatic fashion. That is, show him being a tyrant at that point last week or have him shift back to being a tryant and then reference last week. As for the very last line, if you could use a more specific form of body language rather than cringing, the reaction would be more powerful for the reader.
I love everything that was implied, from the need to not be seen to the obvious dislike of the father. Very subtle, very nice.
The run-on sentences were a little distracting, but since I’m a teacher those things tend to stick out to me.
Great excerpt…. I love the way the writer draws me in to what’s happening. You did a really fantastic job!!!!
Great job, Zoe. I was intrigued from the start, wondering why the writer is peeling nail polish from her nails. Nice way to slowly build the tension. Love the dialogue. I agree with Stephanie about the question mark not being necessary, and I would also delete the description of the father as being a tyrant.
One nit-picky point. The use of the word “I” 7 times in the first 5 lines is a bit of a speed -bump. By re-writing you could make the paragraph stronger. I would suggest whittling it down to 3.
An interesting premise.
Excellent choice of excerpt. Says so much in so few words, well painted. I know the excerpt was size-limited, but you’ve flung me into your story. Would love to read the rest. Super.
Zoe, although I’m not a fan of first person, finding it difficult to read, you write this POV well. I liked the nail polish thing too, although I had to read that line several times to orient myself in the character. Couldn’t tell whether she was walking up or already sitting. If walking, the nail polish picking seemed out of place. Finally decided she must be sitting and waiting for him to arrive, after reading forward a few sentences. Make this clear so readers don’t have to stop and think about what she’s doing as she’s having these thoughts. Overall, very nice scene, with lots of tension and unanswered questions.
It’s good. Lots of intrigue that demands answers. Good use of sensory impression: peeling fingernail polish, etc. I need to see more before I can evaluate fully, but I like what I’ve read. The POV is clear. Author fixates on the man and allows him to enter the scene without obstruction. Go for it. You may have a winner.
Very good. not enough, though. I will be looking for more. There was just enough to draw me in and then leave me hanging. You brought both the character of the mother and daughter alive. Great excerpt!
I think is a good way to start a story; makes me want to read more, find out who the man is and how she got involved with such a man and how they got to this point. i always love stories that start with lots of questions. i really want to read more. Very good