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Take a moment to read the excerpt and leave some thoughtful feedback in the comment section below.
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The Antique Dealer
Short Story
*Please note: This excerpt is taken from the beginning of the work.
Helen brought it up while she was brushing specks of crumbs off the tabletops. Two tables still had the checkerboard cloths. The others, bare wood. Bennie never replaced the frayed cloths. He didn’t see the point.
“I found someone who can help,” Helen said. She spoke these words as if she were in church. She was a good woman who’d stood by Bennie during the usual trials and acted out of love for her family, and her actions, he knew, were guided by this selflessness. “I got a name from Sweeney‘s wife.” Helen acknowledged the look from Bennie. “It’s probably fake but it’s a name.”
Across the street rubble was all that remained of Sweeney‘s grocery store.
“I don’t like it Helen.”
Helen moved to the last table, its nearly white sunlight bleached cloth.
Bennie thought she should stop fussing with crumbs spilled months ago, but said nothing.
“And these empty tables,” Helen said, “don’t bother you?”
“Of course, it bothers me.” The last thing Bennie wanted was words over something tearing at them both.
Hard times is all, he said whenever he was told how the neighborhood had gone downhill.
“You can’t face what’s going on, Bennie. Every other store got out years ago.”
At this time of day the setting sunlight would fall across the scratched surfaces of the wooden tables and dip into the tiny fissures and cracks on the tiled floor. But the afternoon had turned overcast, with little effect erasing the deep shadows.
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
I find this excerpt upon first reading a bit confusing. I have to go back over it a good bit to piece it together. The punctuation mistakes and some strung out sentences make it unnecessarily stilted.
Of course, I would be curious to find out more about the ‘help’ she has located and about the nature of the relationship between Bernie and Helen. (Dying to muck in there too and save the wee cafe , if not the whole town !)The difference in attitude of the two protagonists is interesting but I am afraid I feel better attention to the way the sentences are constructed would have made it flow better. It would have helped me to slip comfortably into the story rather than spending mental energy focusing on the mechanics of it.
I hope I am not being too severe and indeed, I may be way out of line. Good luck. Story works as I can feel myself working out possible scenarios and I can see Bernie and Helen and the wee disheveled cafe clearly in my mind.
Cheers,
Michelle
Reminds me of Buffalo, New York where I spent a week in 1985. Rust belt victim. Not much of a town and certainly not big city like. Empty store, thrift shop, empty store, bar, empty store, bar,……Houses astonishingly cheap. Could sense the despair. The dumbest thing I have ever done is walk into the Flamingo bar wearing a Miami Dolphins shirt. I can picture the scene you have created. I used to try to explain to my 2-5 below reading level 11th graders that if pictures did not brew in their minds as they read, they were not reading. Interaction with the text characterizes that. You have accomplished this.
Michelle
Thank you for your helpful comments. Your point about flow is well taken. I need to spend more time away after writing to get a fresh look and spot these bumps.
Thanks again, Vincent
Thank you for your encouraging comments. I appreciate that the scene came through for you. Part of what I wanted to accomplish was to have the reader tap into their own associations of place. I’m pleased this might have been your Buffalo.
Thank you, Vincent
It’s true, the story possibilities are intriguing. What are Helen and Bennie going to make out of this? Bennie doesn’t like it that the name is fake. Wow! What’s that all about? Cleaning up crumbs spilled months ago on a tablecloth? Two tablecloths and the rest are wood? This is surreal and absurd (and I mean those in a sincere literary sense). I thought it was hilarious that Bennie didn’t see the point of replacing the frayed tablecloths. Is this Waiting for Godot across from Sweeney’s? Why are these two people still in here? Also, you should get Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne, Dave King. One penny, used, on Amazon.You include both characters point of view which is a source of confusion. You start off with Helen, then suddenly it’s “Bennie thought”. Two clauses were difficult to read: “its nearly white sunlight bleached cloth”, and “with little effect erasing the deep shadows.” Try getting Hemingway and study the way he writes sentences.
Marty
The reading suggestions you’ve mentioned are great resources. I appreciate your comments about point of view. I’ve received a lot of great constructive comments on this and point of view is one to always keep in mind.
Thanks, VIncent
I am so very interested in your story, but… like Michelle, I had to work too hard to follow. The good advice in these comments should help you out, and they’ve enlightened me as well. Thanks for putting your writing out there for critique. It shows me how it’s done, should I get brave enough to try.
Betsy
Thank you for commenting. The comments I received were honest and so helpful. I appreciate your taking the time to comment. As for my being brave, I think curiosity trumped any lack of bravery.
Thank you, Vincent
I found Helen and Bernie’s tale intriguing and I wanted to know what solution Helen had come up with. Like a few of the earlier commenters I tripped over some of the phrasing and this temporarily took me out of the story. The change in point-of-view was a bit off putting, but overall I really enjoyed the piece. You did an excellent job creating these characters in our minds and helping us to envision the cafe and the broken community that needs saving.
Roxanne
Thank you for your good comments. I appreciate your candor about tripping over some lines. Gives me something to watch for. I appreciate your encouragement.
Thank you, Vincent
I too like some other contributors here had to go back over the story start to piece it together. Helen, bringing up ‘it’, somehow connects to the restaurant falling on hard times, to the rubble across the street in the form of another business gone bad, to someone who can help but they’ve provided a fake name, to Bernie not liking any of it…are they going to organise the restaurant to be bombed and claim insurance? My mind ticks over. I don’t think there’s any advantage to raising the question in an obscure manner within these few paras. Foreshadow some more, make it easier for us to connect the dots and feel a little clever doing so, and then you can tease out your story in the places where we need the reasons behind their decision (whatever that may be) based on this conversation. Hope that helps. Keep going.
Tamara
You make an excellent point about foreshadowing. I tend to write indirectly. Your suggestions make sense and I will definitely keep foreshadowing in mind when revising.
Thank you, Vincent
I would like to start by saying no matter whether people say negative or positive – the huge positive is that this person actually wrote something, is brave enough to ask for criticism and isn’t just procrastinating like so many would be authors. Kudos for that.
That being said, I think maybe a little more time and thinking might help the piece – several of the phrases are a little ambiguous …… the first few words …. “Helen brought it up” made me wonder if she was unwell and threw me totally rather than sliding me into the story.
Another phrase that wobbled me was “stood by Bennie during the usual trials” was this man a perpetual criminal or what were these trials …. not best use of words I felt.
“You can’t face what’s going on Bennie” – would perhaps help the reader more if it said “You must face ….. ”
I would say the words need to be smoother and less prickly, as this is the start of the book – then I would prefer to be encouraged into it with a slightly smoother style.
Fantastic that this writer is really working at it though!
Joanna
Thank you for your comments. You bring up some good suggestions to keep in mind when I revise. Your encouragement is well appreciated.
Thanks, Vincent
I spent some years in Hollywood as a development exec, and I saw a lot of good scripts made laughable by bad advice.
Not saying that every word is perfect here–like what’s the difference between cracks and fissures?
BUT I like the subtlety of this piece. No, we don’t know right this second what they’re talking about. Gee whiz! If you want to know right this minute what they’re talking about, sign on to Twitter.
I like this story and mainly I want to know where I can read the rest of it. Questions are placed into my mind, along with some suspicions. And I feel for these characters: Bennie can’t face it; Helen is in touch with people who know people with fake names.
And I love the part about the months-old crumbs. Looks to me as if Helen has been away a while and Bennie is too depressed to clean up properly OR they’ve both been away and the business is abandoned, has been lying fallow for months. Whatever—I’m probably way off track here. Look, we don’t even know if both these characters are still alive.
But we know–I know that they are interesting.
Please don’t develop all the nuance out of it for the sake of everybody knowing instantly everything there is to tell.
Zan
Thank you for your comments. I think you offered the balance I was hoping to see. I very much appreciate your comment “don’t develop all the nuance out of it for the sake of everybody knowing instantly everything there is to tell.”
I tend to withhold a lot when I write, perhaps too much. I don’t want to spoon feed the reader. But based on the telling comments I’ve received, there’s room for adjustment there.
What I’ve gotten from this extremely helpful exercise is my need to strike a better balance between revealing and withholding. Like I said, I tend to be a withholder by nature. I just need to move a little into the reveal side of things.
All of these very helpful comments have helped me to see that I’m going in the right direction, but need to make certain adjustments so that the reader doesn’t jump out, but stays for the journey.
Thank you, Vincent
I too found it intriguing. True it could use a little editing, but I still got the feel of the characters. Helen’s concern, Bennie holding on through adversity and perhaps a little denial. I’m curious about the rubble that was once Sweeney’s Grocery.
It just needs a little tidying up. For example:
She spoke these words as if she were in church. She was a good woman who’d stood by Bennie during the usual trials and acted out of love for her family, and her actions, he knew, were guided by this selflessness.
Perhaps the formatting vanished but I felt this paragraph should have been separated out as Bennie’s thoughts, not mixed in with Helen’s dialogue. I think just that little adjustment would clear up a lot of the confusion.
And:
Helen moved to the last table, its nearly white sunlight bleached cloth.
Could be re-written for a smoother flow:
Helen moved to the last table with its nearly white sun-bleached cloth.
And this line:
But the afternoon had turned overcast, with little effect erasing the deep shadows.
May be better by changing effect to effort:
But the afternoon had turned overcast, with little effort erasing the deep shadows.
Hope these suggestions help. As always, take with a grain of salt ;o)