Please welcome today’s anonymous aspiring author, ready for a peer critique. Take a moment to read the excerpt, then please leave some thoughtful feedback in the comment section below.
Note: If you are a writer whose excerpt has appeared anonymously on Write It Sideways, and now you’d like your name to appear on your piece, please contact me.
A Good Day
Literary Fiction
With shoes in hand, I crept lightly down the stairs and flinched each time a floorboard creaked, booming in the still house. Each step drew me closer to the door and, through its large window, my outside view widened. I felt my heart quicken as I turned the blackened brass doorknob. Opening the heavy oak door brought the scent of dry dirt and the Jasmine blossoms. The tender breeze carried the scent of the dew-loaded grass. Tiptoeing onto the porch, the snap of the 100 year old boards echoed my presence and tattled of my movement across its badly painted surface.
At the edge of the porch, I sat down and slipped my feet into my “tennies”. I smiled as I remembered why they were called “tennies”—because “elevenies” were too big and “ninenies” were too small. What a dumb joke.
The sun had risen well above the horizon and the breeze picked up the combined sweet stink of the cattle feedlot and a more acid whiff of the nearby chicken coop. The summer morning’s breeze clutched the odors and mixed them into a bouquet of farm fragrance. I liked the smell. Taking a deep breath, I soared from the porch to gather my fishing gear from where I had stashed it the night before.
With rod & reel, worms—just dug up the previous evening, artificial lures, and extra hooks, I had hope of hookin’ a fish with every cast of the line. I scrambled across the soggy grass to the gravel road; made sure it was clear of traffic; and crossed the road into the field that would take me to my favorite fishing spot.
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
Bonjour! (speaking French ’cause I feel like it :D)
Okay, just a warning. In fact, I’m going to put that in all caps. WARNING! *Only read this comment if you REALLY want to improve and can take harsh critiscm.* If not and you are very sensetive, skip this comment, and read someone else’s critique of this. I should let you know that I’m normally not this blunt when critiquing.
At the end of my critique, please note that I’m going to write another paragraph where I write a nicer version of everything I’m saying. Nicer as in I’m-not’going-to-go-on-and-on about-why-this-bothers-me nicer.
To people reading this comment other than the author: please no hateful responses. This is *my* opinion as a reader. Thank you.
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One of the things I really liked about this piece was the description and all the descriptive words you used. However, while the excerpt is amazing and everything, I think that you went a bit “too-ninja” on the adjectives. Instead of getting close to the character, I find you’re pushing us away by implying, “oh! look at me and all the fancy words I know.” I’m sorry for the bluntness and I realise that that will sound very immature, but that’s actually the conclusion readers will draw to. In many of his books on writing, author James Scott Bell clearly highlights this point several times and even has a simple rule which involves “killing all his favourite sentences.” In High School, you would automatically get an A+ for all the great description you’re putting in, but in the writing world, it just becomes a major turn-off when you have paragraph after paragraph of adjectives. Of course, little bits here and there are perfectly welcome, but…it was kind of a descriptive dump >.<
From what I've read, I feel that this piece should be written in third person. To me, the character has no attitude. No personality evident in the way she speaks/thinks. By reading her own narration of the story, I would expect to have some clue as to what she's like as a person, but the only vibe I'm getting from her is…well, nothing. Okay, that's just my opinion based on this brief excerpt I've read. In this excerpt you've provided, it seems to me you just want readers critiquing your vocabulary because there's not a lot of stuff about character in here. Who knows? Maybe your MC's got some major 'tude, evident in other passages of your book, but you just didn't show it here. (by the way, I'm not saying your MC has to have a sassy attitude. That was just an example)
As for this sentence: "I felt my heart quicken as I turned the blackened brass doorknob." I firmly believe that it would be a much more…"powerful" sentence if it was written as, "My heart quickened as I turned the blackened…" Because then that way, readers are drawn closer to the character. This is known as a filter word. For more info on filter words, Suzannah posted an excellent piece on them on this very blog. I don't haved a link with me at the moment, but under the READ THE BEST ARTICLES section on the right hand side of the page, just go to the second link down entitled, "Are these filter words weakening your fiction?" Unless the links are ordered randomly, you mght you have to hunt a bit for the link (a less than 30 second skim through the list).
Another sentence- "I soared from the porch…" I thought that "soar" meant to fly? synonyms: fly, ascend, climb, wheel, circle, rise, mount
(Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.)
Unless your MC is climbing a hill, I think you should find a different word. But even then, I'd still doubt the use of "soar" in that context. I think it's safer just to pick a different word.
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A SHORT AND MUCH NICER VERSION OF WHAT I JUST WROTE (in list form :3):
Likes: you clearly have a wide vocabulary and it shows in your writing. The description is just incredible, helping readers envision everything as small and unimportant as the "blackened brass doorknob. You have great sentence fluency, too. Although at times, I stumble over *some* sentences, but other than those minor details, it's amazing. You've got great potential as a writer and I wish you good luck on the rest of your writing journay 🙂
Things you can improve on: Try to limit the amount of description so readers don't get too swamped. Remember the rule, "act first, explain later". Or describe later, if you will. By putting some stunning action first, readers will happily accept description. (I would include an example where I ask you to tell me which is the better scene, but then I'd have to go through all that legal junk to reprint a part of The Art of War for Writers. And I can't just make up my own example because I can't write a semi-decent description (your eyeballs will catch on fire)). If the rest of your book is a lot like this excerpt (more description than action or character stuff), I would strongly recommend either switching to third person POV, or focus more on your characters rather than their external environment.
I would also recommend changing this sentence to this: My heart quickened as I turned the blackened doorknob. Read up on filter words for more information.
I would also recommend replacing the word "soar" with something more appropiate.
Good luck with the rest of your novel and happy writing =)
Overall, I like this passage, although, without a blurb, I have no idea where it’s going. Not much happens here other than her going outside to fish.
Much of my feedback concurs with that of Chiaki. Although very beautiful, all of the adjectives start to create distance. Do you really need that much description to set the scene?
By the time the character reaches the door, I get the impression she’s sneaking out of the house and I’m wondering why. But the remainder of the passage doesn’t support that, leaving me confused.
I again agree with Chiaki re: choosing stronger verbs than “felt” and “remembered”. “My heart quickened” vs. “I felt my heart quicken.” “‘Tennies’–because ‘elevenies’ were too big and ‘ninenies’ were too small. I smiled at the dumb joke.” vs “I smiled as I remembered why they were called “tennies”—because “elevenies” were too big and “ninenies” were too small. What a dumb joke.”
And once more, instead of “soared”, maybe “launched” or “leaped”?
As far as tense, I’m not sure the switch to 3rd person is necessary. It really depends on where the story goes and how you decide to get there. There’s action here, in the sense that she’s moving, but there’s no story action, which makes for a frustrating, confusing read. Give me a sense of what’s happening in the story. Perhaps a longer excerpt would do that. It’s difficult to know.
Kudos to you for being the first anonymous author to submit to these peer critiques. I hope you find the feedback helpful.
I agree in total and in detail with what was written above. Too many smells. Conflicting ones at that: first the dirt, then jasmine, the grass then…cowshit? Which would, by the way, be the very first thing that hits you. Why is there a digression on the meaning of tennies? And then, all this, just to go fishing across the road. Especially if you’re going fishing across the road, why would your heart quicken? And if your heart did quicken, then you wouldn’t care about anything else except the trout. I liked “tattled of my movements” as a phrase, but it’s meaningless unless someone is there to hear the tattling.
Upon mature reflection–what’s missing is the narrator’s overt statement that she’s sneaking out of the house and that she’s worried that her parents will hear her. She crept, she flinched, the floorboards creaked (and then boomed, which creaks don’t do, better to stop to listen for someone else getting up). In my view the other people who the narrator is worried about are missing. If her heartbeat is up, she’s really worried and that worry should be more clearly stated. I think the reader needs to know why she’s scared. Is it just that she’ll catch hell? Is it because the fishing spot is dangerous? I think the prettiness of the piece obscures the feeling of the narrator.
I liked the descriptive imagery and I like that it was done in first person. The ‘funny’ part was a good attempt at relief of tension, but interrupted the imagery and sense of wonder at the beauty of nature just outside her doors.
I thought whoever this is was sneaking out of the house. I was a bit disappointed by the fact the person went fishing. I agree with most. This has too much description and not enough of the protagonist.
I also wonder about the dry dirt smell because the dew soaked grass would cause a different scent. My opinion.
I think you are starting in the wrong place.
Likes: ” I smiled as I remembered why they were called “tennies”—because “elevenies” were too big and “ninenies” were too small. What a dumb joke.”–nice bit of personality there
I did like the mix of smells you describe in the third paragraph. It gave me a sense of place, and set a mood for the narrator.
A missing: A sense of age of the character. I think sometimes we try to be too mysterious to build tension, so end up not saying what we mean: I’m sneaking out of the house past mom and dad who are arguing in the kitchen, or doing chores, or sleeping or what have you….
Dislike: The first paragraph; it’s laden with adjectives that make me think of a haunted house and it sounds generic. If the contrast is meant to me the darkness of the house vs the bright outdoors, maybe throwing in some conflict going on in the house could give you more bang for your buck. You get some characters and relationships and the dark/light contrast all at the same time.
Agree that the use of the word “soar” sort of threw me. I read too much sci if because I thought of a super hero right away! It would take more words but maybe describing the narrator start at the door, head down, running and jumping off the porch like a long jumper might be a vivid description for future revisions. I think too, when you describe a character’s actions like that, you also get into their heads a bit more.
My 2 cents 🙂
It sounds like your excerpt is the opening of a story in which someone wants to sneak out of the house and go fishing before anyone misses them.
Okay, I got that 🙂 and for the most part I also like that. Good. I have made notes and in some instances what could be considered extraneous is in ( ) parenthesis … and some of my “suggestions” and only that … are in CAPS.
With shoes in hand, I crept lightly down the stairs and flinched each time a floorboard creaked. (, booming in the still house.) ANYONE WHO HAS EVER WANTED TO SNEAK AROUND AN OLD HOUSE OR APARTMENT HAS DISCOVERED THOSE DARN LOOSE FLOOR BOARDS AND THEY DO NOT “BOOM” THEY CREAK … SO LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE.
(Opening the heavy oak door brought the scent of dry dirt and the Jasmine blossoms. The tender breeze carried the scent of the dew-loaded grass. ) JASMINE ONLY HAVE THEIR SCENTS AT NIGHT. THEY ARE NIGHT BLOOMING FLOWERS. USE A FLOWER WHOSE SCENT RISES WITH THE EARLY MORNING SUN AND COMBINE THAT WITH THE DEW-LOADED GRASS. THERE IS NO NEED TO TALK OF DRY DIRT. (Tiptoeing onto the porch, the snap of the 100 year old boards echoed my presence and tattled of my movement across its badly painted surface.) TAKE PART OF THIS SENTENCE AND INCORPORATE INTO THE “CREEKING” FLOOR BOARD. THEY CAN “TATTLE” ENOUGH … THIS IS MY ONLY CLUE THE ESCAPEE MIGHT BE A KID SINCE AN ADULT MIGHT NOT CONSIDER THE SOUND AS A “TATTLE.”
NOTE: Each element of the person’s movements and the sights and sounds around them as they move through the quiet house, does not need to be done twice. The real beauty of your descriptive prose can shine through with one mention and one description of the sounds, smells and sights the person is experiencing as they move toward their final destination.
It is similar to listening to friend tell you a story and half way towards the next point, they go back and give you another part of the first point. Point made, don’t drive it into the person’s head.
(At the edge of the porch, I sat down and slipped my feet into my “tennies”. I smiled as I remembered why they were called “tennies”—because “elevenies” were too big and “ninenies” were too small. What a dumb joke.) YES IT IS A DUMB JOKE AND YOU SHOULD TAKE IT OUT. THEY SLIPPED ON THEIR SNEAKERS IS FINE. YOUR READERS ARE URBAN AND OTHERWISE AND FROM ALL OVER AND A GAL LIKE ME FROM THE WILDS OF BROOKLYN NEVER HEARD OF “TEENIES” OR ANYTHING ELSE. WE WORE “SKIPPIES” AND THREW SPAULDEENS OR PINKIES. WE PLAYED ON STOOPS AND NOT ON FRONT PORCHES. WHEN I USE THOSE “FIFTIES” EXPRESSIONS I DO SO ONLY IN THE CONTEXT OF A PIECE WHERE THE STOOP AND OTHER RELATED BROOKLYN OR NYC STUFF IS DESCRIBED WITHIN A CONTEXT.
The sun (had risen) THE SUN ROSE well above the horizon and the breeze (picked up the combined sweet stink of the cattle feedlot and a more acid whiff of the nearby chicken coop.) THE BREEZE DIDN’T “PICK” UP ANYTHING. THE BREEZE MIGHT HAVE CARRIED THE COMBINED SCENTS OF SOMETHING.
Note: A “sweet stink” is one, an oximoron and two, the word “stink” is not in the mode of this piece. The breeze is very busy and this person’s nose is assaulted from night blooming jasmine, dry or dew laden aromas and then it brings in a stink of cattle and chickens? Be careful to weave in descriptions that carry the story in a soft and lilting way … the way you meant to begin … and once again, you are making your point the hard way as they say in Vegas.
The summer morning’s breeze clutched the odors and mixed them into a bouquet of farm fragrance. I liked the smell. Taking a deep breath, I soared from the porch to gather my fishing gear from where I had stashed it the night before.
Note: More breezes and noW they “clutch” odors that mix like a bouquet of “farm” fragrances? Kill this entire portion and incorporate a better way to tell us the person lives on a farm. The mixeD scents of the farm, the blah, blah of the cattle and chickes. Use your sentences carefully and once more … you are repeating yourself.
This poor person who has inhaled about a dozens mixed scents is now soaring off a porch? You rushed off the porch, you hastened off the porch … bodies in motion that soar are more rockets and airplanes. Human bodies generally don’t soar unless they are carried in a high power vehicle.
With rod & reel, worms—just dug up the previous evening, artificial lures, and extra hooks, I had hope of hookin’ a fish with every cast of the line. I scrambled across the soggy grass to the gravel road; made sure it was clear of traffic; and crossed the road into the field that would take me to my favorite fishing spot.
Note: With rod and reel … don’t use the & … use the word. “just” is not needed. If the worms were dug up the previous evening they weren’t “just” dug up and you can even call them nighcrawlers. You can say “the night before” …
With rod and reel and worms dug up the night before … then continue to your ending and off to the fishing hole.
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Any comments you receive are merely suggestions or ideas for different ways you might approach this in re-write. It needs a re-write that is cleaner and snappier and less verbose. Also, other than the person’s “quickening” you did not give the escapee a face or much of a thought and used your prose to tell us about old floor boards and lots of aromas, when it would have been nice to know … was this a kid escaping his daily chores? That it was a farm is central as well as the age, sex and thoughts of the person. The sun rose over the back field of our farm … or I was going to get in big trouble when my folks found out i had not done my morning chores.
Narrative prose are like music and contain a message in lyrical words instead of cords. Use your words to tell me a bit about the inner thought of the person who wants to sneak out of the house to fish and not just what they smelled on their way out. Ask yourself, if you were a kid or a grown man getting away from the wife and kids for a few hours of peace communing with nature, would you be more interested in what you were smelling or what you were getting away from?
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Sorry this was a bit long, but I think you have good raw material. You need only to take those raw materials and make them into something we want to know about. Keep writing and reading and doing things like this. Like any craft or art form, writing requires … practice, practice and more practice. Be encouraged and keep at it 🙂
The author is headed in the right direction. She has learned how to use the senses to bring the reader closer, but the effect is lost. The impression received is of an inventory of sensual reactions. The next step is to give the reader information about the character. This person has a nose, eyes, hands and a sense of place. We are not privileged to know why this event is of any importance. How about the character? Does she have some clue? What is going on in her mind? Has this happened before? Is it a replay that will have consequences? If she is alone how has that happened. If not, where is her partner? – or is she going to meet someone? Is this her idea of fun- or a silly boring escapade? To share with the reader the smell of the meadow does not help to turn pages. There is no curiosity about that since it has no meaning to the character. Limit the sensual report to stimulants that reveal the nature of the character rather than the environment.Write it again with these comments in mind. You have an opportunity to make a quantum leap in your skills. Revision will make a great difference.
My Opinion:
Nix the adjectives. At least two thirds of them! They are the reason this excerpt was so painful to read. Next, tell the reader who you are. I guessed you might be Underdog when you soared off the porch. A tender breeze? Unusual. I’ve never heard a floor boom, but I could be wrong. After all, you might have dropped a live grenade on the way to the door, and just forgot to tell us.
Think concise when exiting a house. I did like the first sentence up to the word ‘creaked.’
Please don’t give up because of what I said… I’ve got a huge headache! :o}
Descriptive, not a lot of action. Makes me wonder why the attempt at silence or hiding, presumably there is more about that and/or the reason for going fishing in the rest of the story. I tend to think of literary fiction as fiction that either has hidden allusions to other works, or that tells a theme with hidden metaphors or symbolism tied back to other events real or imaginary. I didn’t get any of that from this bit.
I tend to think of my best writing as literary, and many but not all of my blog posts are in that vein. There are more in that vein than some would think, but that is because often my literary allusions are deep and not obvious to someone without a warped brain like mine. This is the first time I have seen this blog though I now follow it. Perhaps at some point in the not too distant future I will submit a sample of my writing and you can have a similar opportunity to critque me.
Of course, I realize that we give constructive criticism and receive destructive criticism, so take it all with a grain of salt.