Here’s another anonymous excerpt from an aspiring author, ready for your feedback. This is the first science fiction excerpt we’ve had, so if sci-fi is one of your favourite genres, please do take the time to share your thoughts.
Beyond
Science fiction
There was nothing. No sight, no sense, no sound, yet she was aware of their absence.
‘What is this place?’ she asked, or thought she spoke.
‘What do you think it is?’ returned a voice. She hesitated. Although she had clearly heard the words, she had no perception of herself, of any physical presence at all beyond the existence of her thoughts.
‘Is this death?’ she asked, afraid. She had no breath, no heart beat, not even memories. Surely she was dead. ‘Are you dead?’
Nothing responded as she tried to move, to detect something else other than the miasma of thoughts that seemed to be her sole existence. Was she nothing more than a tendril of conscious thought? Was she anything at all, or merely some stray fragment in someone else’s mind?
‘I think I died,’ she ventured, though even that certainty eluded her.
‘You don’t seem sure.’
‘I’m not. I don’t remember. I can’t.’ Memories seemed elusive, yet she was sure there must be some. How could she comprehend speech without some knowledge of language, of some form of communication? This seemed utter fallacy. ‘Who are you?’
‘Who are you?’ the voice countered, as if merely an echo. Fear began to fill her thoughts, that she had been cursed to some eternity of darkness with nothing more than her own mind for company.
‘Please, tell me who you are!’ she cried.
‘Open your eyes, my love,’ the voice murmured, full of reassurance. ‘See what lies beyond …’
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
To the author of the above excerpt – I loved it. It addresses a lot of fears of death and the unknown directly in a wonderful manner, which left me really aching to read the rest of this story. Well done and keep up the excellent work!
I loved it. amazing. I want to read more! I like how she’s questioning whether she’s just a thought or dead. I like the unseen voice, like an echo. I love the mystery, I just LOVE it! 😀
Wow! A compelling piece. I’d love to read the rest!
The premise is great, the idea of not knowing whether you’re material or immaterial, alone or with others. But I found inconsistencies. “No sight, no sense, no sound” – sight and sound ARE senses. sight, touch, sound. “returned a voice” – a voice is a voice, and is either male or female or gutteral or high or low. the narrator would know, and if not, then it’s not a voice it’s just words. “tendril of conscious thought” is a very good phrase. “Memories seemed elusive” – more than elusive, because elusive means that they kind of come and go but ARE memories. And besides, there were no memories already in the story. “How could she comprehend speech…language…communication…fallacy.” – This is out of place for the character. It’s analytical way beyond would the character would be worried about. Why would she question having knowledge of language? The last three paragraphs are great, the sign that she’s not alone. Also that she (why do I think it’s a she?) now has fear, cursedness, she cried, hears the voice now with reassurance. Good gradual introduction of something beyond pure mind. Except, one last thing: she tried to move (earlier). How could she really have done that, had that feeling. Phantom limbs?
Oh my, that is a powerful excerpt and I truly loved it and thoroughly enjoyed it. I always say SF is not my thing. You can make it my thing and grab me and make me want more. Excellent work 🙂
One is definitely drawn into this story. Excellent imagery, and vivid emotions. Keep it up!
My Immediate response was I’ve heard it before, but only because I’ve written something very similar myself.
I found two inconclusive lines, the last, to say you murmured with reassurance, basically negates itself. People do not reassure people by murmering at them, they speak profoundly to them.
The second line sounded like it was missing a word; she must have asked someone, was it herself? If so it needs to be stated. But it may work in context as we only get to read a bit.
Overall it works, and it’s pretty good, a little bit of tightening and touch more clarity and I’d buy it and I’d read it.
I am a science fiction reader. The beginning of this story grabs my attention. The girl wakes in a strange existance with no memories. The only communication is voice that she is not sure of. This beginning make me want know: who is she, where is she. I want to know what happens next/
I like sci-fi and after reading this passage I wanted more. It’s mysterious and captivating. Good job.
Hello, and thanks for allowing us to use this excerpt from your story!
I’ve never read a science fiction novel, so I don’t think I’m the best person to comment on how this piece jives with the genre, but it looks like some others think you’re definitely on the right track.
I agree with Marty and Rob that you’re showing some errors in logic. Maybe not everyone would pick up on them with just a quick read, but a trained eye–such as an editor’s–would notice them.
I do like your premise, and I think it’ll be a lot stronger when you clean up the logic problems.
Best of luck!
OOooh. I am all kinds of late, sorry. But I loved it. I was panicked FOR her. Have to agree with Marty on the particulars, but wanted to weigh in and tell the author that I liked it!
Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read this and to comment, and a big thank you to Suzannah for posting my excerpt. I’ve taken note of the criticisms for future reference but I’ve been flattered and amazed by the response. Thanks again! 🙂