Once again, an anonymous aspiring author has offered us a piece of writing for constructive criticism. Please take a few moments to read the excerpt and leave some feedback in the comment section below.
Blind Friendship
YA Romance
A loud crunch sounded as Evan’s foot landed on a freshly fallen autumn leaf. His head tilted to the side, a small smile crossing his face. “It’s fall,” he stated quietly. I felt the corners of my lips twitch upward in a little smile of my own. Fall had always been Evan’s favorite season.
“Well yeah,” I teased, “I mean it’s only October after all.” Evan rolled his eyes, but he ignored my smart ass comment, as he was wont to do.
“I thought I smelled it in the air.” His arm brushed against mine as we walked, his way of keeping track of me so we didn’t get separated. “Why didn’t you tell me the leaves had changed?” He looked slightly hurt. I knew better though. For someone who couldn’t see, Evan was a ridiculously good actor. It was almost like he didn’t need eyes to read a person’s emotions, to say exactly the right thing.
I nudged him gently in the side, smirking. “You didn’t ask.”
Evan stopped abruptly, crouching on the sidewalk. I’d already taken several steps past him when I realized that he wasn’t beside me anymore. I paused and turned, watching him, a small frown on my lips. I opened my mouth to ask what he was doing, but caught myself before I could make a sound. His long fingers reached out and touched the concrete sliding over its rough surface until they found a fallen leaf, brown and dry. He lifted it and held it in front of his eyes, staring straight ahead as if by sheer force of will he could make himself see.
After a few moments he sighed, crushing the leaf in his fist then letting the pieces fall from his hand to float away on the breeze. “What does it look like today?” he murmured.
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First, I think this sounds like a great story, however, here are my crits.
You have used too many adverbs, words that end in ly. stepped on a fallen leaf. In fact if he stepped on the leaf we know its on the ground so you wouldn’t need fallen either. I don’t think you need small smile, he smiled or he didn’t. we can visualize his smile on our own. What about stated quietly? Most editors and agents agree simply saying said works. It disappears into the story.
Perhaps:A loud crunch sounded as Evan’s foot landed on a leaf. His head tilted to the side, a smile crossed his face. “It’s fall,” he said. I felt the corners of my lips twitch upward. Evan loved Fall.
She wouldn’t know Evan stopped abruptly (adverb) because she didn’t notice until she was several steps in front of him. She also wouldn’t know she smiled. Earlier you said she felt the corners of her mouth twitch which rings true but she can’t see her own face so wouldn’t know if she was smirking or the small frown on her lips?
I really like how you describe Evan with the leaf staring at it.
Watch your first person comments, use said, and no adverbs. I think
this could be an interesting story.
I didn’t realize my comment would be so long. I hope it doesn’t sound harsh. I would want someone to be honest with me if my intro came up for review.
I’m assuming it’s the opening of a story, because it reads like one.
It looks a beginning of an interesting story. Within a few short paragraphs you have introduced us to two characters, a little about their relationship. We learn that one is blind, and you have some telling details showing us how a blind person acts. Your use of detail is good.
I like this sentence: “His arm brushed against mine as we walked, his way of keeping track of me so we didn’t get separated.” It shows us a dramatic detail that gives a subtle hint that the character is blind. And then in the same paragraph, you give the whole story away. You might consider dropping several similar subtle hints , so the reader starts wondering. Some might figure it out, and some not. Then, after you’ve dropped a few hints, you can explicitly tell the reader what is going on.
The first sentence would lose some readers, I think: “A loud crunch sounded as Evan’s foot landed on a freshly fallen autumn leaf.” I’ve been with people who have stepped on autumn leaves, and I don’t anything, much less a loud crunch.
“Evan stopped abruptly, crouching on the sidewalk.” The use of the present participle (“crouching”) implies that the two actions were simultaneous. You might try something like this: “Evan stopped abruptly, then crouched on the sidewalk.”
Quite a good story and idea. I quite like the characters and your use of subtle hints to show what is going on.
You need to refine your POV a little bit though.
Evan stopped abruptly, crouching on the sidewalk. I’d already taken several steps past him when I realized that he wasn’t beside me anymore
Here, if you want to use the POV of the girl, she will not know that Evan has stopped and crouched until she turns around to look at him.
Again, in this line, she will not know what her lips look like if it is her POV.
I paused and turned, watching him, a small frown on my lips.
You might want to use something like
I paused and turned, watching him with a frown.
Small adjustments. I love the start of the story though and would love to read it when it is complete. 🙂 Good Luck.
No need to repeat. The hyperbole (ly) and the directional pronouns (fallen) can be edited and it will clean up this opening. Take what my fellow readers have stated and it will help you get a crisp new opening.
As to the story … this is a very intriguing beginning. Two friends who are close enough for the need to touch … the way you introduce the fact that he is blind and the sadness of his sigh when he realizes he will not be able to “see” the leaf, crushes it and turns back to his friend for a description.
Since this is an opening, I am thinking we don’t know yet if he has always been blind or if this is recent. Either way, the close friendship between the two characters gives you a nice beginning.
Good luck.
No need to repeat earlier remarks.
The story has an interesting opening and the relationship unfolds nicely. I liked the way Evan takes the dry leave and holds it. It gives us a glimpse of his character.
Since you show us your characters in movement, you may want to consider the way they act. People walking side by side rarely look at each other. We know that one of the character will not even try.
It’s never easy to write about a person with a disability. In this regard, you might want to correct some inconsistencies. “Evan rolled his eyes” is a cliché, but in this context, it doesn’t ring true. Blind people don’t behave like normal people minus sight. They have a body language of their own. It would be interesting to learn about Evan’s, seen through his friend’s eye.
The statement about not needing eyes to read emotion sounds like an exception to a principle (“one is aware of people’s emotions thanks to one’s eyes”), but this is a rather truncated view of the way we communicate emotions in real life.
Nevertheless, it is a good idea to start your novel by emphasizing the way Evan perceives things. You may consider starting with smell rather than sound. Autumn has a distinctive smell that Evan may notice as soon as he gets out in the open.
Good luck with your story.
PS. Beware of “ridiculously”, especially with “good”. It smacks of snobbery.
I would love to read the rest of the story.
I love the writer’s sensitivity, the intimacy between the characters, the clear description of the fall. And then the immense sadness of the last sentence: what does it look like today…
I thought the adjectives actually accentuate the blindness of the character.
The “frown on my lips” left me a bit puzzled. Can one even frown with your lips?
I actually enjoyed all the comments as much as the story. Reading this way kind of spoils the natural experience, because you’re looking for things already, not just enjoying the reading. I was surprised he was blind, found that an interesting turn and didn’t notice the inconsistency of the eyes rolling. I did not believe in a loud crunch for a leaf. Perhaps the leaf could fall on him. I agree “stated quietly” is bad form, and -ly adverbs are always “cheap”, i.e., they substitute for writing something more substantial like a sentence or long phrase. Lowered his voice, or, said it with a sense of awe. I took the statement about fall to mean he has the leaf experience and begins thinking of what fall means, going to school, end of the year, changing of seasons. It seemed odd, though, because he knew it was getting cold, and if the leaves have fallen and especially if there’s crunchy leaves, it’s very cold.
Hello! Thanks for letting us use your excerpt here.
You’ve gotten some very helpful comments already, and I pretty much agree with everything that’s been offered so far. It’s really the small details here that can be changed to offer a greater sense of authenticity.
Don’t think anyone else has already mentioned the line, “…he ignored my smart ass comment, as he was wont to do.” I thought this sounded like you’re trying to be clever, but it falls flat. The words “smart ass” didn’t sit well with me considering the otherwise gentle nature of everything else in the excerpt—it seemed out of character for the narrator. The rest of the sentence, “as he was wont to do,” sounds antiquated and out of place, even if you meant for it to be. But because no one else mentioned it, maybe it’s just my personal preference.
I really liked the ending. Very descriptive and well-written.
Really, I think it’s just those small details that need some attention: the loud crunch of a leaf, a small frown, adverbs, etc. as other people have said.
Wishing you all the best with this!
I pretty much agree with all the comments made here, also if you wanted to keep in the line “he ignored my smart ass comment, as he was wont to do.” I would take off,’as he was wont to do’ and just have he ignored my comment.’
Good luck, the story has potential.
I apologise that I’m only reading this now! I also apologise in advance if I repeat anything others have already said, as I haven’t read through all of their comments.
This is a beautiful, touching excerpt, well-described and emotive. I would want to read more, definitely.
A few things distracted me: overuse of “smile” – I’d suggest find a different word (“grin”?) for one of the instances; the phrases “as he was wont to do” and “so we didn’t get separated” aren’t necessary in my view. The first sounds explanatory (too much info), and the second – readers can work this out from the previous phrase as they discover that Evan is blind; in the second last paragraph, I wouldn’t put “crouching on the sidewalk” there. The narrator doesn’t know that from their POV until they turn around to discover what Evan is doing.
Great interaction between the two characters, and excellent imagery. Sharpen it up a bit, smooth off the rough edges and cut down on some wordiness, and it’ll be great!