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Canyons
Women’s fiction
*Please note: This excerpt is taken from the beginning of the work.
Pam and Doug stand side-by-side in front of the mirror, thrusting toothbrushes into their mouths, scraping until red infuses the mint froth in the sink. Doug tries to wash down the mess with a burst of cold water, but their blood is still there, mingling on the porcelain.
“Divorce is not an option,” Pam says. Her voice is low. The children are only just down the hall getting ready for school. “We don’t believe in divorce.” She pulls the teeth of a comb through her bangs to straighten them across her forehead. There is a crease growing above her eyebrows, which has been there some time now. She thinks it makes her look angry. Doug says that’s because she is angry, but she knows it’s the weight of years. She is no longer beautiful.
Pam has always liked to think of her beauty rather like an apple: a clean-scrubbed flesh, a firm, pleasant roundness. A practical sort of beauty. That’s what Doug said, years ago, as he slid a diamond ring on her finger by the edge of the canyon, wind blowing her hair away from her pink face, the earth plunging into itself next to them. He said he could look at her forever.
Today, it seems to Pam that she and Doug are still standing beside that canyon, only this time they are on opposite sides of it.
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Thanks!
Pam and Doug stand side-by-side in front of the mirror, thrusting toothbrushes into their mouths, scraping until red infuses the mint froth in the sink. Doug tries to wash down the mess with a burst of cold water, but their blood is still there, mingling on the porcelain.
“Divorce is not an option,” Pam says. Her voice is low. The children are only just down the hall getting ready for school. “We don’t believe in divorce.”
The above paints a good picture and I could clearly visualize the situation (is the blood symbolic?) though I did wonder why they were cleaning their teeth together! Is the scene set in the bathroom to enable the character to describe herself? Describing the character by having them look in a mirror is (The Mr Grey book begins the same way. And in a novel called The Cure, by chapter 5 every character has done the mirror thing!)
Going straight from teeth brushing to hair coming was confusing and I first thought she was coming with a tooth brush.
I would ask, too, if Pam’s beauty important to the story? It is hard to critique such a short scene out of context.
For ‘coming’ please read ‘combing’!
The excerpt is clear , to the point and readable. It actually contains a lot of information and a suggestion that this story could go anywhere.
The mingling of the blood is an interesting piece and wonder what relevance gum disease has and why they are sharing the sink – a sort of intimate situation for two supposed to be on ‘opposite sides of the canyon’.
I love the concentration on the change in her perception of her face (beauty) and think it deals well with the self doubts that can abound as the years creep on. Doug’s reference to her angry look is provocative. Why has she been angry? Or is it just his mis- perception and insensitivity? Why does the question of a divorce arrive and is she a control freak when she says, “We don’t believe in divorce” ?
I like the directness of the story and the tension between the pair, made stronger with the wondering if the children have overheard or not.
Keep writing !
Great use of imagery in such a short excerpt. It really placed me in the scene. I agree that the transition from her brushing her teeth to combing her hair was a little abrupt. The use of “teeth” in the sentence about the comb adds to this confusion. I liked the contrast between the line on her forehead and how she used to view herself. This underlines the changes in the character from the earlier years to her current life after kids. The author perfectly captures the tension between the husband and wife who are obviously no longer attuned to each other. It makes me want to know what will happen next.
we were typing at the same time and thought the same thing…funny.
I get the angst immediately. The sentences are efficient. This serves well for books that move quickly with a ton of action. (Emotional roller coasters too). Think of the success of Hunger Games and Ms. Collins’ use of short sentences.
I also appreciate that you establish the canyon metaphor, give a little background to the relationship and bring it all back to the moment.
If I had any critique it would be word (turn of phrase) usage. “teeth of a comb” to “a comb”. They were just brushing their teeth and it is slightly disconcerting to read “pulled the teeth…of a comb”
Also “the weight of years” of what? abuse? Neglect? Struggle? Unhappiness? This sentence seems stunted- cut off before it was complete.
Over all I like it. I would continue to read it. It seems to be a very emotionally heavy book. Own that. do not back away from that! Show us how she feels though, do not tell us how she feels. Let us experience it too. For people who like the roller coaster type of story, it is because we enjoy the ride, not watching other people go on the ride.
I think you are on a good track (sorry for the metaphors…I am done now) and I want to encourage you to keep going!
Well, I was married in the Snake River Canyon, so I’m sympathetic to the story right there. But I thought that brushing their teeth until they bleed is questionable (i.e., as Michelle McCartney wonders, do they have gum disease? Both? Is that relevant?) I think it takes away from everything else. I didn’t think it odd they were brushing their teeth together, but they wouldn’t be doing it in one sink, although it made the opposite-side comparison more relevant for Pam.- I thought the “we don’t believe in divorce” funny peculiar, i.e., why is she saying that for both of them? – Good writing, flow of words, mix of sentence length, good images of color and taste and touch. – There should be a new paragraph beginning with “There is a crease” because the story is now out of the frothy moment and into reminiscence/analysis and that kind of threw me.
It reallt didn’t grab me. I agree with all that Marty said. Why are their teeth bleeding? “We don’t believe in divorce.” Apparently the husband does or she wouldn’t be mentioning it.
The presumed inconsistencies and contradictions in style certainly do not synch with the writing skill expressed by the author’s lyrical language. There is also an ability to convey an abundance of detail with impressively compact prose. I give the author more credit. Won’t you be surprised — and delighted — when these threads are later pulled together into a deftly hued tapestry of story and character? I am prepared to be delighted and look forward to reading the completed piece.
I think this piece captures a moment — a mini-story if you will that is whole by itself. I like Pam’s observation regarding her angry look, and her knowing she’s no longer beautiful – I think that’s poignent. I was concerned though that beauty is obviously what she believes to be the driving catalyst for the divorce as she then likens that beauty to an apple. I’m sure though divorce is made up of many more things than tiring of each other’s looks, and the story may go on to cover that.
I think some of the wording as overdone — you could change or leave out and the impact would be the same. I don’t think you need ‘thrusting’ the toothbrush, ‘standing side by side’ (inherently assumed), the blood ‘mingling’, the crease of the eyebrow which had been there some time now, but it had also been ‘growing’, ‘to straigthen them across her forehead’, and the ‘teeth of a’ comb…and I’m not convinced apple is the best analogy (I saw a green apple at first, but then her face was pink on the wedding day…)
I didn’t have a problem with them brushing their teeth together — the bathroom can be an ‘intimate’ place like that — confined space and the busiess of the day starting here, so I think it works fine.
The final sentence could be a little less obvious. It’s a statement to the reader really, not really from Pam’s POV. Pam sees them standing by that canyon, only this time on opposite sites (rather than ‘it seems to Pam that she and Doug…’).
Just some tightening and polishing around these would probably give you a much stronger gem. I feel the nugget of the story is definately there, and I’d read on.
Well done, keep going.
I’m impressed by how three short paragraphs can tell so much story. It set the stage well for a compelling and intriguing storyline which has the potential to go in many different directions. Like others, the transition to the combing of the hair was a bit abrupt; I thought she was still brushing her teeth. Not sure if the blood has any significance but it gave me a not-so-pleasant visual that distracted me slightly. I hate to watch people brush their teeth, but that’s just me. Other than that, I thought the writing was strong, great descriptions, and wonderful use of the canyon metaphor. Great job!
Agree about the combing and brushing comments. There is an intimacy in the bathroom that is functional. I like that in reference to the functionality of a marriage. Not everything accomplished in a marriage or in the bathroom is comfortable for an outsider to watch and that in itself creates an intimate space shared.
I love the canyon metaphor. I think it can be polished and creep in to the bathroom scene with some subtle vocabulary choices. It’s romantic, dangerous, exhilarating just like new love, but it is also craggy like the wrinkle. A connection and a divide.
The apple. Mixed feelings there. I liked it better than the some folks above did. Apples are attractive at the peak of season, fresh and unassuming. Although they store well, they often lose their blush and the texture goes all pithy with age. Also apples are not as potentially exciting to middle aged men looking to try ‘something different.’ So I guess, I like it, but would like it better if developed further.
I liked this excerpt, and the way it established that mood of anger right away. Then it builds the story well in the next two paragraphs. I do want to read on, but this could even be a standalone.
I would suggest that in the first paragraph replace ‘the mess’ with ‘the evidence’ – seems a stronger word to me, and better related to blood in a sink.
What I felt about the tooth brushing was that we have come into an argument that obviously hasn’t been resolved. (The question is, how long has this argument been going on?) The arguement is still seeping intot his mornings routines. The contained anger and frustration that Pam and Doug are feeling as a result, can’t be discussed at this moment, and so instead, they are both brushing too hard! The containment of these feelings are also emphasised by the bathroom which, generally speaking, is the smaller space in a house. Sharing space like always but feeling so different towards each other. (But still desperate to get a reaction/a response from each other?)
For me, the writing made me want to know what has happened to this couple who have shared so much together, given that they have two children. The children getting ready for school (suggesting slightly older children; at least more independant) imply that they have been together for some years.
The phrase “We don’t believe in divorce” suggests a desperation or fear of failing.
The canyon itself is such a great metaphor. Paints so many pictures.
I wonder if this will be a story of sadness, with a family coming to terms with a breakdown of marriage, or a story with a fight to keep things together and posssibly succeeding… Either way, there is so much to draw from this excerpt, I would have kept reading as it sparks intrigue and curioisty.
I agree with Mike about the mood of anger that is felt right away. I thought it was interesting that no one seemed to get the significance of the “thrusting” the toothbrushes in their mouths. They clearly had been fighting and both were very angry. To me, they were brushing the teeth hard because of the angry words said, and the ones left unsaid. I thought it was a very enticing piece. I would love to read more of the story.
I’m not an expert in English language, but I have feelings too. I found several texts are too difficult to understanding, and it needs to deconstruct the sentence. What I see this? I can read it, I can understand without any troubles. So it’s good. Often simplicity means elegance. Reading this excerpt, I remember Ingmar Bergman’s “Persona” (1948), there was a moment when the face of sister Alma and face of Elisabeth run into one another face in mirror. That was amasing! Reading this excerpt I imagine same shot–corrected to story acting, of course.
I like the conflict mood, which pesent in here: looking angry/feeling angry… not I don’t think so, I found Pam tired of her monotonous life, she feel to need to change it, not angry. That’s sight of motions (methinks) is more approached to reality.
The third thing I guess the best is a metaphor of broken feelings. One person built a rope bridge to marry with another, and then they went through the life on a same side of canyon. Now, when a question of divorce have stood in fact, they stayed on diverce sides of this canyon. So canyon is a metaphor of a distance of an understandability between wife’s and husband’s feelings past the their lifes with own sights a problem.
Sorry, If I explane badly…
Denis T.,
Russia
This excerpt contains the premise for angst and drang but the style leaves me and the reader cold. This is a very poignant moment in the lives of these characters that doesn’t come through, the reason being, they are at arm’s length. They don’t see each other,. touch each other or hear each other. They are not feeling anything. The author’s voice does for them what the characters, and then the reader, should be doing, In addition, it is written in the past tense, which categorizes the scene being described as over and done with. Write it in the present tense using the senses of the characters instead of the memory of the writer. You will see a startling change.
I disagreed. You want to be involved in story acting, to feel youself a person of this story, it need the first person view and present tense, I figure out. However, novel/novelette/story is event in the past tense in classical tradition, ’cause basis for it founded in history texts, manuscripts. How frequent you told you friend a rumors or gossip in present tense? And how frequent you do it in present tense? Will do they become different in sense if you tell it in present or past tense in a live-speech? There are only several moments when you tell in present tense to inforce the effect to affect of reaction (suspence, for example), but most of all really good books wrote in past tense but not in passive voice — this more important than try to involved in story changing tense.
And the 2nd, there are two kinds of scene in story: action and reaction. The 1st shows the outward feelings (all 8 senses (see Anatomy)), and the 2nd expands the inward feelings (thoughts, memory, taking a decision, imagination, wondering, and etc…). You can combine all sense in one paragragh, yes, and that mix will be awful (or not if it’ll write ingenious).
Denis T.,
Russia
There is too much to think about in this excerpt. Why is a divorcing couple brushing their teeth together? Why are they both brushing so hard they bleed? That’s pretty extreme — the blood mixing in the sink, etc.
It introduces the children immediately (which opens a new can or worms), and jumps back to memories of their wedding. One at a time, please.
Is this piece about the woman’s feelings about her beauty, or about an impending divorce? The remark about divorce not being an option is both too uninformative (why does she feel this way), and too informative, we are way into the story without knowing where we are.
I think the author should identify what she is writing about — the divorce? the children? the woman? the man? some social issue? self-destructive behavior?
There should be some hint of what is causing the divorce. The reader will assume grief over the children and over the loss of innocence, but there is no suggestion of the real problem.
Methinks, all bricks are in their places in the wall. And this wall show me a full picture. It doesn’t matter, where story will go after (what kind of conflict will be based on: the divorce, the children, the woman or the man…) I see whole picture now, and it’s good for me. It intrigue me.
I found they brush their teeth together ’cause its long time habit their living within marriage. The blood just present how long they live, show their ages (see Gerontology/Nostrology – the gingiva bleeding is the result of age changes).