Please welcome today’s aspiring author Laurel C. Kriegler, with an excerpt ready to be critiqued. Take a moment to read the piece, then please leave some feedback for this writer in the comments section below.
Help in Ages Past
Science Fiction
The dome appeared to be made of white tiles, with some bright blue bonding between them; a ring of lights lit up its interior. Glancing around, he saw that there was a circular track on the floor of the cavern. In addition, he noticed that the elevated platform was gradually moving away from the cylinder that he was in. What could they be planning to do with this? And why now, when the war was so vicious, were they playing with experiments? He was not normally one to question orders, but this one made less than no sense.
While he watched, the dome descended further, eventually blocking out the control room from his view, and came to rest on the tracks in the floor. And there it stayed.
As he waited in the silence, he heard a humming penetrate through the liquid. It built up in intensity until it was throbbing through his body like a dull ache; sparks began to fire off randomly from all over the inside of the dome. This puzzled him. Clearly there was some sort of energy field developing … After a while, the sparks began to form into tongues of blue energy that all seemed to be attracted to where he was. They intensified, rising to a crescendo of blue light; the woven strands arced in on his position in a whirling vortex of power. The world around him went white, the outlines of objects dimly visible through the haze. Power pulsed through the liquid, surged through his body, and then everything vanished …
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
Honestly, my first reaction is confusion.
I’m gathering that this excerpt is from the middle of a chapter/story, and so there’s probably a lot more explanation of where the protag is and what he’s going in an earlier part. So some of my confusion is probably because I haven’t read the set-up. But some of my initial questions on reading this excerpt are:
* How big is the dome? Is he inside it when it lands?
* He’s in a cylinder? What kind of cylinder?
* In the third paragraph you mention liquid for the first time. What liquid? Where is it?
* Sparks were firing inside the dome, but you say the dome is made of white tiles. This is why I wonder if he’s inside the dome. Otherwise, how could he see them?
In writing these questions, I’m wondering if the protag is suspended in some kind of liquid in the centre of a lab, with the dome coming down over him to protect the scientists from their experiment? If that’s the case, he seems incredibly calm about the whole thing. If I was in that position (orders or no orders), I’d be feeling more than “puzzled” by electricity shooting around me while sitting in a pool of highly-conductive liquid.
There’s a couple of language usages that jarred me a little.
* ‘less than no sense’ – this is such a writing cliche, and it doesn’t mean anything. How can sense be less than nothing? The sentence is stronger is you remove ‘less than’.
* ‘Clearly there was…’ – if it’s that clear, why mention it? Remove the word ‘clearly’.
Finally, I’d suggest that you read the article on filter words. I noticed quite a few of them, and it made it hard for me to feel a strong connection witht he protag. For example:
* ‘Glancing around, he saw’
* ‘In addition, he noticed’
* ‘While he watched’
In saying all of that, I was intrigued by the writing. The voice reminded me of a few old-school sci-fi writers, and the poetic description of the energy field was fabulous. I particularly liked the question about why ‘they’ were experimenting when the war was so vicious. That alone would inspire me to keep reading, assuming that somehow all of this had to do with a way to win the war. Questions abound.
Hi Jo, Thank you very much for your feedback. I have copied your comments into my script (which is a first draft), and I will be taking them into account on the rewrite.
For the record, the subject (a soldier) is suspended in a breathable liquid in a clear cylinder. The dome descends around it, so yes, he is inside it. And finally, yes, this is the middle of a section/chapter, so there is some setup before this.
Once again, thank you. I will keep working on this.
“Dome” suggested to me that the narrator was inside a dome. “Sphere” might be clearer. Some standard “distancing” constructions here, constructions that the experts say should be avoided as they distance the reader from the action. Examples:
Glancing around, he saw that
In addition, he noticed that
While he watched
As he waited in the silence, he heard
The middle paragraph might read better (simplified) like this:
The dome (sphere) descended further, blocking out the control room from his view, and coming to rest on the tracks in the floor.
Hope this helps.
JJ
Thank you very much JJ – I will take your comments into account on the rewrite.
Jo and JJ captured the essence of my reaction to this material. First, the writing style as they mentioned. Then dome, interior, platform, cylinder, cavern, it’s hard to understand where the narrator is situated. And what is the relative size of everything. It made it hard to grasp what could possibly be meant by these references to the other, those who play with experiments, who are at war, who plan. And also it made it hard to relate to the beautiful description of the last paragraph.
Hi Marty, I will try to work on relative sizes on a rewrite. I am starting to see how I can improve the telling of this scene through all your comments.
I don’t write science fiction, but the rules for engaging the
reader are the same over all genres.
My take on this piece is best explained in a rewrite I did. First, the setting and story engaged me
and set up questions I wanted answers so I would keep reading. However, the writer uses too much
passive voice and static constructions in the opening paragraph.
I fear the reader would not be as engaged as if she used more active
voice and language that ramped up the tension. Here is how I would suggest she edit. Establish POV in first sentence and
then just go into the scene instead of having him glancing, etc. And I think it needs a sense of danger,
and a feeling for his mood. I hope it is helpful, but if not, just discard. This was fun and good luck with your story. It has piqued my interest in SciFi.
From inside the cylinder, he could see the white tiled dome with
its bright blue bonding. A ring of lights lit up its interior as well as the circular
track on the floor of the cavern. What was its purpose, he wondered with
growing alarm. But before he could
come up with an explanation, he felt a vibration, and then the elevated
platform next to the cylinder gradually moved away. What was going on? And why
now, when the war was so vicious, were they playing with experiments? Normally,
he did not question orders, but this one made no sense.
While he watched, the dome descended further, eventually
blocking out the control room from his view, and came to rest on the tracks in the
floor. And there it stayed.
As he waited in the
silence, he heard a humming penetrate through the liquid. It built up in
intensity until it was throbbing through his body like a dull ache; sparks
began to fire off randomly from all over the inside of the dome. This puzzled
him. Clearly there was some sort of energy field developing … After a while,
the sparks began to form into tongues of blue energy that all seemed to be
attracted to where he was. They intensified, rising to a crescendo of blue
light; the woven strands arced in on his position in a whirling vortex of
power. The world around him went white, the outlines of objects dimly visible
through the haze. Power pulsed through the liquid, surged through his body, and
then everything vanished …
Thank you very much for your comments and suggestions. I will take them into account on the rewrite. I can be found on Facebook as Laurel C Kriegler if you wish to see what happens with this story – although I do not promise any releases of it in the very near future (due to projects I’m currently working on 🙁 )
I enjoyed this piece of writing and I’d love to read more. One thing that I think might improve it would be to be careful with the word ‘that’. It can often be removed to make your writing more immediate and tighter.
I wish you all the best with your writing.
Thank you for the insight, Carolyn, and I will take it into account in all my writing – as far as possible.
I feel like I have opened a book in the middle so I am not clear who I am reading about or just what is going on. It’s well written enough that, if such were the case, I would be interested enough to flip to the begining because I want to find out who this person is and what is going on. I think you use qualifiers too often, the dome “appeared” to be made of white tiles, “clearly” some sort of energy field was developing. It would be stonger if you just stated what the dome is made of, what is happening. I think with some judicious editing the whole thing could be tighter, more focused, and with more of the tension that makes your reader turn the page. I would take out his thoughts and reactions, apart from the intial what’s going on confusion, and just concentrate on the descending dome, the sound, the energy, how it all focuses in on him and then you are led back to him and his reactions just before everything vanishes.
On the whole it reads well and I wish you every success with it.
Hi RhiannonHopkins, Thank you for your comments. You have given me some great suggestions that I can work with. I am now getting a more focussed picture of this scene that I am sure will help it a lot.
Hi Laurel,
Thanks so much for letting us use your piece for critique. I did scan a couple of the comments when I moderated them, but I’m going to respond without reading them in detail.
Paragraph 1:
-Did the dome “appear” to be made of white tiles, or was it made of white tiles? “Appear” is a weak word, and possibly unnecessary.
-“Glancing around, he saw that there was a circular track on the floor of the cavern.” -“He saw” are filter words that pull us back from the character’s experience. Also, “glancing around” is an overused gesture.
-“In addition” sounds forced and stiff. They sound more suited to nonfiction writing.
-“…this one made less than no sense.” I paused and read this twice. A bit convoluted.
Paragraph 3:
-“This puzzled him.” This is telling, not showing.
-“Crescendo” is a word I have seen used many times in science fiction and fantasy writing, which makes me think it’s overused.
-“Whirling vortex of power.” Why not just “whirling vortex”?
You’re obviously a very descriptive writer, and there are some strong images here. Just be careful of sensory overload and writing too much description. Passages like this are ones readers may skim.
I did have to read this very slowly to picture everything in my mind, which could indicate some tweaking is in order to bring those pictures into greater clarity.
All the best with this piece!
Hi Suzannah, thank you so much for these additional comments. Some stuff here that I will definitely take a close look at when sorting out this scene – as well as the rest of the story. Thanks for the specific criticisms/suggestions, because this tells me places to focus on as a beginning.