Please welcome today’s aspiring author, Jonathan Byrd, ready for a peer critique.
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If: An Allegory
Literary Fiction
Please note: This excerpt is not taken from the beginning of the story.
The southern United States, like most other regions, is full of flora, fauna, traditions and oddities specific to the area. Sweet tea and invulnerability to hurricanes are examples of the latter for those living along the Gulf Coast. A curious plant known as kudzu is an example of the former. The oriental plant was originally planted as an erosion control measure. Like so many other imported plants, it became a nuisance almost overnight. The most often repeated story about its importation states that it was first planted on a Sunday in South Carolina, and that by Wednesday it had entered Louisiana. No one has ever claimed to kill it, but a lucky few have been able to keep it trimmed back. As Joel went back to his writing, a vine outside began growing on the backside of the house. While its growth would not be a record for kudzu, likewise it was about to perform a miraculous event.
The storm was less than an hour from coming ashore on the opposite side of the lake when Joel fell asleep again. He had not noticed the thick covering of kudzu over the south-facing window. The sun was still shining brightly in advance of the storm, yet the kudzu gave the cabin shelter from its blistering heat. It would ease the discomfort of the coming storm for Joel. The vine grew, as the storm got closer. As the storm rushed violently ashore, the vine insulated Joel’s cabin from noise, light, and damage. He slept soundlessly while all around destruction rained down.
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
My initial thoughts were that I was reading a non fiction factual book or an interesting article. When Joel popped up it was a nice surprise. The first part is a bit dry – but perhaps it works in the context of the whole. Personally I feel that the info, if relevant to the progression of the story, could be handled in a more easy-going manner from Joel’s pov.
Interesting idea to tell it from Joel’s POV. I think I may try that with one of the other comments below
My initial reaction was similar to Lynda, in that I too thought that this was a non-fiction piece. However since this isn’t the beginning of the piece, this impression is probably of no importance – it would have been clear before now that it was indeed fictional.I like the mix of fact (description of the kudzu plant) and fiction, ie incorporating some factual information about an element in the story, but feel that it needs re-working to make it flow a little more smoothly. Al the elements are in place, they just need to be compressed somewhat.
It seems to me also that the kudzu plant symbolizes something greater than itself and this too needs to be further developed.
The second paragraph seems to rush through the events far too quickly. Again you have everything you need here – just slow it down and work more detail into it.
Good piece, with loads of potential. Enjoyed reading it!
Taken in context of where it falls, it does make a bit more sense. Also when you realize it is an allegory of the book of Jonah, the kudzu takes on the role of the weed that gives him shade when he went up on a hill to watch the destruction of the town.
The phrase “like most other regions” bothered me, making me think of some other possible regions. I was also distracted by the naming of 4 things (flora, fauna, traditions, oddities), then the use of rhetorical device (latter, former) that requires 2 things. So, it immediately took me away from the story to try and figure out which was which. But, I was intrigued by the idea that the plant was protecting Joel from the storm. The introduction of Joel should have started a new paragraph. You keep changing the time frame and taking us in and out of the story. The storm was less than an hour…he had not noticed…it would ease the discomfort.
Like most other regions is something that can be removed easily without loosing anything. Looking at it in this excerpt makes that easy to see but it was harder when I was editing it.
I am a big fan of kudzu– all of the good and bad. The one factual error (which may or may not matter, but caught my eye) is that Kudzu was first introduced in 1876 to the United States at the Centennial Exposition in Philadelphia. It was planted as an ornamental–the large leaves and the wonderful blossoms (which make a fabulous jelly) grabbed the eye of gardeners up and down the east coast. At least one nursery grower in Florida sold mail order cuttings. Then in the Great Depression in the 1930s, Kudzu was indeed planted for erosion control–farmers could get $8 an acre for planting it, and the Civilian Conservation Corps had jobs planting Kudzu on erosion prone-areas. Please see http://www.maxshores.com/kudzu/ for more of the story (and yes–in good growing conditions i.e. the southern US–each vine can grow up to 60 feet in a season–and yes, I have had it outrun RoundUp). Knowing more background is always good, even if it does not appear in the story.
I LOVE the Sunday/Wednesday saying–I haven’t heard it before.
I am not a big fan of repeating words or parts of words in sentences that are close together. I would change one of the two: outside and backside. Finding a southern quirky word would be really good.
Story wise–the first paragraph does seem factual, so now you need to set up the kudzu to continue “the facts” as you pull them into your story. Even if you do not spell it out for the reader, you need to know so that you can infer what is needed. It seems like Joel would notice a dappled shading of the sun shining in the southern window but he didn’t notice it getting thicker, or he had blinds or curtains over the windows, or he smiled (sleepily) at the one thin tendril that nodded in a friendly way and as he fell asleep the vines take over, or something similar. In other words–it really seems odd to me that Joel didn’t notice any kudzu at all–and especially in a south-facing window that would have sun shining in (not at that moment, but if he had been in the building at any time he would have seen it). Setting up that scenario seems important for me to believe the rest of the story. One lone tendril at the window followed by or supported by a host of sneaky snaking vines intent on taking the house as their own (or friendly vines lovingly wrapping the house). If the Kudzu has an important part in this story (and it seems to me that it does)–anthropomorphizing the Kudzu might be appropriate.
Joel already delights me: “when Joel fell asleep again” brings up many questions in my head–had he been sleeping frequently? Is there alcohol involved, or perhaps paperwork he would rather not do? Excellent. You have grabbed me as a reader and I would like to read more of this–and find out what the Kudzu does, why Joel keeps falling asleep, what is the miracle?
Very, very good–and I look forward to reading more : )
The kudzu in this case grows faster than even kudzu grows. Thank you for correcting me on the introduction of it, that needs fixing. The manner in which it is growing at this point is miraculous enough that Joel’s not noticing is a possibility also. His sleepiness and inattention comes from working on his next book after a stressful several days explained before this excerpt. The idea of a quirky word intrigues me more than just removing either outside or backside from the sentence.
As for reading more, I have the full allegory as a pdf available for download by subscribers to my blog. Although I had problems with the download page for awhile and no one told me. I’m still only partly sure I got it fixed.
Unless it moves your story forward, I would edit out most, if not all, of the history of the kudzu. Focus on the immediate scene. First he’s writing, then he’s sleeping. What room is he in? We can’t get a clear picture. You’ve also switched back and forth from omniscient POV and Joel’s POV. It distances the reader from the character and I don’t think that’s what you had intended.
You have, however, created a scene that makes me want to read more. The kudzu protecting him from the storm is interesting. I like it.
If you do some editing, strengthen the second paragraph (Sue’s Morrow’s suggestion are really good) it could be truly compelling.
Jumping POV is an issue that is very difficult to self-edit out. The other person I had edit it for me became more involved in the grammatical and spelling issues. My big issue was then/than. I probably need to review it with the issue of POV in mind to insure I didn’t do it in other places.
I too thought it was a non-fiction book.
I think to draw the reader in, the first and the second paragraphs should be exchanged – it would get the reader’s interest right away and the description of the plant would be appreciated at that point. I too would want to read more.
I too thought that this was a non-fiction book. I agree with H. C. Wingert, another alternative would be to present the first paragraph as a prologue. The information in the first paragraph is clearly critical to the development of the story so it is needed.It certainly creates immediate interest. I want to read more.
While it was not the start of a chapter, this was at the start of a section break in the story. My initial location was at the start, but the idea of switching order may make it flow better, also.
I appreciate all the comments. They make me want to go back and fix it. The full allegory is available for subscribers to my blog, though I want to rework it now. It is particularly encouraging that this bit from the middle (near the end) is able to draw your interest. Thank you all for your critique.
The second and third sentence doesnot flow evenly with the rest of the writing. They should be rewritten. The word fauna should be replaced with a synonym. And there are words through out the story that could be taken out, keeping in mind the the author’s style. If cleaned up this could be a fine writing.
After reading the other comments, I don’t much like the first two lines either. I feel a bit like the whole paragraph is a speed bump all by itself. It matches my writing style in other aspects, but agree that in this spot it is a bit of an abrupt jolt. I also have the pleasure of knowing what is before and after this excerpt, but the comment is dead-on.
I tend to be bad on the extra words, too. There is a companion piece to my allegory that explains most of the sybolism and metaphors I included in the work and it starts with a quote to eschew obsfucation. I just love the irony.
It had me from the beginning. I could picture it in my mind. I believed it!