Here we have another excerpt ready for your feedback.
Only, today’s piece isn’t going to be anonymous like the previous ones.
I’ve been getting a number of excerpts sent to me for review, but the problem is they are all YA fantasy (even when I’ve requested other genres). Not that I have anything against YA fantasy, but I believe variety is the spice of life.
So, while I have a few other excerpts waiting in the wings, I’m going to hold off on them and break them up with a little piece of my own.
This excerpt comes from the beginning of a literary short story I have in the works, which I’ve tentatively called, “On the Thames.”
Many of you would love to get some feedback on your writing, but are just too scared to put yourselves out there.
Like you, I’ve struggled to share my work with others. I’m posting this with the hope of encouraging you to overcome your fear, and take a necessary step forward in your writing journey.
Please feel free to tear this excerpt apart. I don’t plan to publish this short story, but I might submit it to an online venue in the future.
On the Thames
Short story
Doris twirled out of the bedroom closet, her dress a whirligig of purple satin, and stopped in front of her husband who sat doubled over on the edge of the bed, inspecting his socks.
“Like it, Henry?” said Doris, gathering either side of the skirt with pinched fingers.
Her cheeks had felt deliciously warm in the little department store cubicle when she had slipped the cool satin over her head and twisted side to side. The mirror made her hips appear narrower than they really were, and streamlined the curves of her upper arms, her calves. She had felt girlish, and free, and devilishly guilty when she reached for the price tag.
Perhaps she and Henry wouldn’t eat meat for a few days.
“Mmm hmm,” Henry nodded, without looking up. He held a sock in each hand—one navy, the other black. “These don’t match.”
“I’ll find the other, dear.”
As Doris bent over an open drawer, lifting and sorting, Henry’s voice came from behind her. “What did you buy a new dress for, anyhow? ”
“For the Walters’s dinner party, of course.”
“That’s three weeks away, Doris. And we haven’t even had breakfast yet.”
She turned, shut the drawer with her purple backside, and handed the stray black sock to her husband. “I only wanted to see what you thought of it, darling.”
“The Walters’s ought to give us all pay rises if they expect us to buy our wives new dresses every time they give a party.”
“Oh, I’m sure they don’t expect it, Henry,” Doris chided. Then, in a practiced, buttery voice, “But you wouldn’t want me to turn up in that same grey number I wore to all the functions last year, would you?”
Henry grunted his hairy foot into the missing black sock, but made no reply.
Please leave feedback and suggestions for improvement in the comment section below. Thanks!
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Suzannah,
I liked that this piece was able to make the time period obvious without stating the actual year. I don’t care for the term deliciously warm, but found your words easy to picture in my mind. Well done!
Thanks, Jessica!
Congrats for having the courage to post your work! It’s hard to do, but it does get easier to post even if the comments aren’t always what you hoped they would be. I started sharing my stuff online when Miss Snark first opened her doors for query disembowelment. OUCH! It does get easier the tougher your skin gets.
I thought this story felt very old fashioned and it immediately distanced me from the MC.
Your descriptions a very good and I could visualize everything. But the flashback paragraph pulled me out of the ‘now’. Keeping it in the present would keep the pacing and the reader in the story–she can have all these thoughts as she poses in front of a bedroom mirror.
The last line bothered me–you can’t grunt a foot into a sock. Try something like this, “Henry grunted, shoving his hairy . . . ”
I hope my suggestions help. Good luck.
This is the great thing about getting feedback–other writers can see things we don’t notice about our own writing. Thank you for your fresh eyes and input!
I was thinking the same, regarding giving us a certain time frame. The names, Doris’ hope that her husband would appreciate the dress, his disinterested reaction and grumbling about the Walters’s all makes this feel like a “Mad Men” type of era. That was a neat way to dispense the information.
I feel like there’s something lurking in the background here. She seems very eager to please–yes, she loves the dress, and there’s something very child-like about her but I feel something more. It’s like a “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” vibe. I wouldn’t mind seeing how the dinner party goes down. It’s not going to be all about the dress…
I would like more setting, though. The fact that they won’t eat meat this week means that the dress is definitely an extravagance that would effect their overall welfare. I wouldn’t mind seeing some contrast between this extravagant, colorful dress and maybe drab walls, faded bedspreads, etc. Something like how the dress is the one bright thing in the room.
Hope that makes sense!
Thanks so much for your input, Eva. Great advice to add more details to the setting!
Henry sounds like a PITA and Doris sounds a bit too dippy for me. I think in the last line of dialogue you could lose.. ‘Then, in a practiced, buttery voice’
I get that Doris is trying to justify her extravagant purchase by making Henry feel bad.
Other than that well done.
Cheers
Debra.
Thanks for your help, Debra! I appreciate it.