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Patrick
Children’s Fiction
Note: This excerpt is taken from the beginning of the work.
On the morning Patrick broke the rules and rode through the enemys’ land, the mist bore the smells of peat and grass. The thick mist hung like a grey curtain and dampened the jangle of bridles and the thud of hooves.
Patrick’s chest bobbed close to his mare’s neck. In front of his face, his fists punched with the reins while his feet swung in the stirrups below. Far behind in the valley his hood had given up its hold and now his cloak pulled wildly from the straps at his shoulders.
He turned his head. Eight lengths behind, leaping on the green blur of the meadow, a ghostly image rode hard towards him.
‘Patrick! Wait!’ it called.
Patrick lowered his rear to his saddle and slowed Torne, his mare. The thud of hooves came closer until Niko’s horse thudded beside Patrick’s.
‘You’re going… to kill… that horse!’ Niko said. He used his collar to scrub away the tears the cold air had brought.
Patrick’s eyes sparkled and turned into the fog ahead. His voice was brave. ‘Rot!’ He put both reins in one hand, leaned forward and patted the chestnut’s soaked neck then wiped his greasy hand on his leggings. ‘She loves it!’
‘Where are we?’ Niko asked.
‘Ahh. About… a mile from the wall.’ Patrick’s belly knotted. Had they ridden too long? Had the guard changed? Would Rohan be on duty still to let them through? He swallowed and rode forward as though all was well, although a little faster.
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Thanks!
Good story line. Momentum good and makes me curious to read on. Full of suspense and possibilities.I am not to sure about the sound of the very last line . jarred a bit.
Over all it is well written , compelling.
Great description, you did a good job of putting me in this damp place. Nice job building suspense, until the last paragraph? Patrick’s switch from being daring and brave to being unsure was too sudden. Perhaps a brief paragraph of his slowly evolving uncertainty prior to the last paragraph would make his change of mood less jarring.
Only one thought. I didn’t initially know how fast he was riding, so the comment “You’re going to kill that horse” was not immediately understood. I went back and got it (the hood & chest bobbing) but I had originally read those wrong and thought your main character was leaning close to the mare’s neck in exhaustion (as though he had ridden hard earlier and that was when the hood fell away). Maybe I’m just coffee-deprived this morning, thought. 🙂 I’d also ask what age is reading this. I assume teens because of the vocabulary. Nice work! Definitely intriguing!
I was taken by this story. Patrick is gallant and responsive, and the relationship between him and Niko.
One point was not clear, though I realize the author could say, “But I explained it!” Yes, you did, but for me, I did not quite complete the picture. The author describes Patrick on the horse, and the reader could put together the pieces and realize that the horse is galloping, but I did not complete that picture until Niko admonished Patrick for pushing the horse too hard.
The “breaking the rules,” the speed of the characters, the misty cloak over everything around them, which suggests danger, the wall, the friendly guard — they are all pillars of a terrific story. Great job!
On the morning Patrick broke the rules and rode through the enemys’ [Should this be “enemy’s”? – Personify all of the people in the land into one for the possessive? Research this, as it seems like I’ve normally seen it as “enemy’s”, but I could be wrong.] land, the mist bore the smells of peat and grass. The thick mist [You have ‘mist’ twice in a row. Think about maybe using ‘fog’ for the second one?] hung like a grey curtain and dampened the jangle of bridles [According to Wikipedia, the ‘bridle’ is the entire headgear, so why are you using a plural form here? Perhaps “dampened the bridle jangle”.] and the thud of hooves.
Patrick’s chest bobbed close to his mare’s neck. In front of his face, his fists punched with the reins while his feet swung in the stirrups below. Far behind in the valley his hood had given up its hold [given up its hold’ is a little awkward.] and now his cloak pulled wildly from the straps at his shoulders.
He turned his head. Eight lengths behind, leaping on the green blur of the meadow, a ghostly image rode hard towards him.
‘Patrick! Wait!’ it called.
Patrick lowered his rear to his saddle and slowed Torne, his mare. The thud of hooves came closer until Niko’s horse [The next sentence also uses ‘horse’. Is it possible to just use ‘Nikko’ in this sentence, to eliminate the echo?] thudded beside Patrick’s.
‘You’re going… to kill… that horse!’ [Now you’ve opened up a question not answered here. If he was ‘killing his horse,’ Niko must be really killing his/her horse to be catching up. Also, how did Niko find him in the fog?] Niko said. He used his collar to scrub away the tears the cold air had brought. [This makes it sound like Niko was crying, then immediately negates the image. The first time I read it I thought “if the cold air brought it, they aren’t tears,” and I was a little unimpressed by the sentence. But at the same time, I like the image, so it’s fifty-fifty to me. If it was my writing, I’d still give it more thought, and possibly change to “He used his collar to scrub moisture from his eyes” and leave the source as a mystery for the reader to fill in.]
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Nothing caught my attention from there on out. All in all, you have drawn me into the world you are creating, and done it well. I hope these small pointers help improve it further.
You’ve done a great job with setting and making us feel the urgency of a conflict. Patrick’s name, the peat moss, fog and his use of the word ‘Rot’ conjures up a picture of a moor in a Commonwealth country. I looked up the origin of Niko’s name and found it can be Greek or German, meaning victory of the people – love the imagine this name gives. So, using my powers of deduction 🙂 which as a reader I like to, rather than having everything spelled out to me, I am imagining a protagonist and his foreign side-kick and I want to read on to find out who or what they have to save.
Patrick breaking the rules is a great hook and will get the attention of a young reader, especially boys like my son when he started chap books.
I’ve posted my comments in caps (hope that’s not too jarring) and some suggestions in the body of your work. I find it easier to comment that way, hope it’s easy to read.
I think also you could eliminate the use of ellipsis… I’m not sure if you are intending them to show hesitation for what’s being said but they’re more commonly used for omission of words, which left me curious if there was something else they wanted to say. The dialogue would be stronger without them.
On the morning Patrick broke the rules and rode through the enemys’ land, I’M WONDERING IF INSTEAD OF ENEMIES LAND THERE IS A WAY TO NAME THE ENEMY OR HINT AT A DESCRIPTION? the mist bore the smells of peat and grass. The (thick mist) CONSIDER REPLACING WITH – ODOUR hung like a grey curtain and dampened the jangle of bridles and the thud of hooves. I LIKE HOW YOU USED THE WORD JANGLE INSTEAD OF AN ORDINARY WORD LIKE – SOUND.
Patrick’s chest bobbed close to his mare’s neck. In front of his face, his fists punched with the reins while his feet swung in the stirrups below. Far behind in the valley his hood had given up its hold and now his cloak pulled wildly from the straps at his shoulders. I GET A VIVID PICTURE, LIKE A JOCKEY RACING DOWN THE TRACK. I CAN SEE HIM PUSHING HIMSELF AND HIS HORSE TO THE LIMIT AND IT ADDS TO THE URGENCY. I’M NOT SURE IF HIS FEET WOULD BE SWINGING THOUGH. MAYBE SOMETHING WITH HIS KNEES DRAWN UP HUGGING THE MARES BODY.
He turned his head. Eight lengths behind, (leaping on the green blur of the meadow,) a ghostly image rode hard towards him. SEE IF THIS WORKS FOR YOU TAKING LEAPING ON THE GREEN… OUT. BEFORE YOU SAID GREEN BLUR THE IMAGINE IS GREY AND SHADOWY.
‘Patrick! Wait!’ (it called.) I THINK THE DIALOGUE IS STRONGER ELIMINATING THE TAG. I ALSO WONDERED ABOUT THE USE OF ‘IT’
Patrick lowered his rear to (his) THE saddle – MAYBE ADD DIALOGUE LIKE : “WHOA, TORNE,” COMMANDING HIS MARE TO SLOW. (and slowed Torne, his mare.)The thud of hooves came closer until Niko’s horse thudded beside Patrick’s.
‘You’re going / to kill / that horse!’ Niko said. He used his collar to scrub away the tears the cold air had brought. GOOD VISUAL WITH THE TEARS
Patrick’s( eyes sparkled and) YOU MIGHT CONSIDER CHANGING THIS, SPARKLED MAKES ME THINK OF HAPPY/MERRIMENT. YOU MIGHT TRY – turned HIS GAZE into the fog ahead. His voice was brave. (I THINK THE WORD ROT OR “OH, ROT, IS STRONG ENOUGH WITHOUT TELLING US HIS VOICE WAS BRAVE ‘Rot!’ He put both reins in one hand, leaned forward and patted the chestnut’s soaked neck then wiped his greasy hand on his leggings. ‘She loves it!’ YOU DO A GREAT JOB WITH PAINTING A SCENE. GOOD VISUAL WIPING HIS HAND ON HIS LEGGINGS. PLUS I GET A SENSE OF A STRONG CONNECTION BETWEEN PATRICK AND TORNE.
‘Where are we?’ Niko asked.
‘Ahh. About / a mile from the wall.’ Patrick’s belly knotted. Had they ridden too long? Had the guard changed? Would Rohan be on duty still to let them through? He swallowed and rode forward as though all was well, although a little faster. I LIKE HOW YOU SET THE STAGE ASKING QUESTIONS. I’M THINKING YOU MAY HAVE SLOWED THE PACE OF THE STORY DOWN THOUGH WITH TOO MANY QUESTIONS. MAYBE THERE IS ONE STRONG QUESTION THAT SUMS UP “WHAT IF WE DON’T GET THERE ON TIME?” I’M NOT SURE ABOUT THE LAST SENTENCE. WE KNOW ALL IS NOT WELL SO HIM RIDING FORWARD AS IF IT IS COUNTERS THIS.
Jackie, in such a short piece it’s hard to know if I’ve interpreted the characters correctly but even if I haven’t, I can see already that they are going to be strong characters and a spirited story. You have an engaging writing voice and I hope to see Patrick published. Also sounds like there could be more than one book about his adventures.
I want to know more. I want to keep reading. So, that tells me there’s something compelling here. Good job!
My main critique is that this was so dense with description that it slowed the action down and confused me in a couple of places. My guess is that the author enjoys and has a knack for detailed description, and this has led to too much of a good thing. Fortunately, too much is way easier to fix than too little. Get out your sword; you’ll make the piece sleeker while still retaining its enticing flavor.
Notes:
I had no idea he was riding his horse hard. The bobbing near the chest didn’t tell me “gallop.” All I knew was he was riding, and the bobbing near the chest suggested to me a leisurely walk or trot, where he’s just hanging out, him and his horse, and leaning close to her because he’s such a relaxed rider with such a close connection to his horse. Sometimes simple works better. How about this: “On the morning Patrick broke the rules and galloped through the enemys’ land,”
Then you have set the stage for the reader to understand what the rest of your description refers to. Another idea would be to describe what’s happening under the horse’s hooves or in the brush around them, as that would certainly tell the reader the pace they were going.
-On the morning Patrick broke the rules
Excellent teaser! I so much want to know what rules he’s breaking! Short, simple, and reels me in as a reader. Nice.
-and rode through the enemys’ land,
Should be “enemy’s”
– the mist bore the smells of peat and grass.
Love that. Simple and evocative.
-The thick mist hung like a grey curtain and dampened the jangle of bridles and the thud of hooves.
Repeat of “mist” so soon sort of jarred me, but that might be my personal quirk. I think if it was clearly about expanding about the mist, it would have worked better for me, e.g., the mist bore the smells of peat and grass, so thick it dampened the jangle of bridles and the thud of hooves.
– Patrick’s chest bobbed close to his mare’s neck. In front of his face, his fists punched with the reins while his feet swung in the stirrups below. Far behind in the valley his hood had given up its hold and now his cloak pulled wildly from the straps at his shoulders.
I love all of this except “punched.” I have no idea what that means here.
– Patrick lowered his rear to his saddle and slowed Torne, his mare.
“Torne, his mare,” took me out of the story, out of the character’s voice/head (even though it’s in third person). I thought, “Here is the writer telling me his mare’s name is Torne.” Would have worked better to just say “Torne.” Or to just say “his mare,” here and later refer to her just as “Torne” where it’s obvious that’s her name, such as in “Rot! … Torne loves it!”
-Patrick’s eyes sparkled and turned into the fog ahead. His voice was brave. ‘Rot!’ He put both reins in one hand, leaned forward and patted the chestnut’s soaked neck then wiped his greasy hand on his leggings. ‘She loves it!’
Here is an example of where I think the description gets wordy and slows the action. Consider:
Patrick turned into the fog ahead, his voice brave. ‘Rot!’ He put both reins in one hand, leaned forward and patted the chestnut’s soaked neck. ‘She loves it!’
OR
Patrick’s eyes sparkled as he looked into the fog ahead. ‘Rot!’ He put both reins in one hand, leaned forward and patted the chestnut’s soaked neck. ‘She loves it!’
Personally, I’d be inclined to change or eliminate “brave,” because it’s more of a telling than a showing. What does a brave voice sound like? Was it loud? Was it sharp? Strong? Did he bellow? Guffaw? But really, you don’t need any of that because, “Rot!…She loves it!” tells us all we need to know about how he’s speaking. Let the dialogue do the heavy lifting.
Hi Everyone who has commented on my excerpt and to Write It Sideways! Thanks so much for all your comments. I had no idea how encouraging the critiquing process could be, even with the constructive negative comments. I’ll be implementing many of them. There’s more about the story and me on my website, http://www.jackierandall.com … I hope to get this book published one day!
I feel like I can’t stop reading this. It’s gripping and compelling. I liked the description as well. Brilliant job. Keep it up.
My immediate reaction was that children must like it. Some spelling mistakes like enemys’land( enemy land or enemy’s land), bridles(bridle). ‘You’r going… to kill that horse!’ is not clear. This is language issue. I have not understand the point of view. However it can be my misunderstanding. Voice seems clear. No inconsistency.
Revision is general encouragement!
Hi Jackie
A compelling start, well done. I certainly feel I’m along for the ride with Patrick and very interested to see what lies with the enemy.
I’ve included some comments below which others may already addressed but I thought might be helpful:
On the morning Patrick broke the rules and rode through the enemys’ (enemy’s) land, the mist bore the smells of peat and grass.
//The first phrase heightens our senses, the second lets them down gently. I think Patrick should hear or see something that ramps our senses up another notch, rather than ‘smell’ the air — unless it’s integral to the story line and setting. Perhaps here his observation could be more concerning his horse and how he’s riding it or how it is coping with his speed for example — then we are truly orientated in scene. Something a little more menacing…//
The thick mist hung like a grey curtain and dampened the jangle of bridles and the thud of hooves.
//Echo on mist here.//
Patrick’s chest bobbed close to his mare’s neck. In front of his face, his fists punched with the reins while his feet swung in the stirrups below. Far behind in the valley his hood had given up its hold and now his cloak pulled wildly from the straps at his shoulders.
//I’m not sure about the word ‘punched’ there…it implies he’s doing the punching…but I understand what you are trying to say. Perhaps his fists cramp with the hold he has on the reins?//
He turned his head. Eight lengths behind, leaping on the green blur of the meadow, a ghostly image rode hard towards him.
‘Patrick! Wait!’ it called.
//Can Patrick identify this is Niko already? If so, rather than ‘it’, can you introduce us?//
Patrick lowered his rear to his saddle and slowed Torne, his mare. The thud of hooves came closer until Niko’s horse thudded beside Patrick’s.
‘You’re going… to kill… that horse!’ Niko said. He used his collar to scrub away the tears the cold air had brought.
Patrick’s eyes sparkled and turned into the fog ahead.
//Writing in deep point of view would mean that Patrick wouldn’t see his own eyes sparkle. But maybe he can feel them tear up…//
His voice was brave.
//Again, he wouldn’t observe his voice as being brave…this could be implied in the dialogue. And does he need a brave voice to answer his companion? Maybe he’s confident instead.//
‘Rot!’ He put both reins in one hand, leaned forward and patted the chestnut’s soaked neck then wiped his greasy hand on his leggings. ‘She loves it!’
‘Where are we?’ Niko asked.
‘Ahh. About… a mile from the wall.’ Patrick’s belly knotted. Had they ridden too long? Had the guard changed? Would Rohan be on duty still to let them through? He swallowed and rode forward as though all was well, although a little faster.
//As though all was well…who is Patrick wanting to convince here — him or his companion? If it’s his companion, then dialogue might be better suited instead of observation alone of acting as if all was well. Judging by Niko’s question, Niko doesn’t know however, so I think it would be more convincing if Patrick fobbed off Niko’s question with an answer that showed he was not only avoiding the question, but hiding his trepidation at what was to come next for him. Just a thought — but these actions have to be in character, so take or leave it as you think best.//
As always, it’s your story, and these are only suggestions. Hope they help.
Regards
Tamara
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