Please welcome today’s aspiring author, “rathrift,” ready for a peer critique. Take a moment to read the excerpt, then please leave some thoughtful feedback in the comment section below.
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Rails
Paranormal Mystery
*Please note: This excerpt is taken from the beginning of the work.
Cars lined the streets like linked sausages around Canaan Height’s town hall. A deputy, directing the traffic, slowed us down. Hollis Wolford leaned into our car, tobacco juice staining the corner of his mouth.
“Head over to the church’s lot. Ain’t no parking here.”
His finger pointed toward the Methodist church. I couldn’t help but focus on his lazy eye, the right one. When he looked toward the church, the wayward eye drifted elsewhere.
“Have to wonder how he got into the sheriff’s department,” I said, sliding off the sticky car seat.
I grabbed a funeral home fan to take along, the one showing Jesus praying in the Garden of Gethsemane. I didn’t expect it to help, being July and with hot-heads gathering at the hall.
Enoch rushed me to the door. “C’mon, Rhododendron Maximum. We’re missing the Ol’ Time Bloomers Raiders.” How relieved I was my mother didn’t matriculate in Latin school.
“We’re not missing anything. They haven’t sung any new songs since John Polk died.”
He steered me around a cluster of men gathered behind the chairs and spoke above the chatter. “Airplane crashes killed many a great song writer. Buddy Holly, Patsy Cline, Cowboy Copas.”
A row of chairs showed two vacant seats. Helen Lipscomb sat in front of them. I took a deep breath before surging ahead. “At least John made a respectable exit. The others could learn from him.”
We climbed through a line of legs, offering “Excuse me’s” and “Pardon me’s.” Enoch settled in his seat as I leaned over and whispered in Helen’s ear.
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
MY IMMEDIATE REACTION:
My immediate reaction is that the piece here is confusing and doesn’t tell me much about the story line. Was I not prompted by the indication in the title of the post that it is a Paranormal Mystery, I surely wouldn’t know from this particular piece.
LIKES AND DISLIKES:
I lke that there is enough description to tell you that the venue is hot, packed, and hick. I disliked the use of the word “climb” to indicate how they navigated legs. To me, climb would indicate an upward motion.
ANYTHING THAT SEEMS UNCLEAR:
Glad you asked! It was unclear to me not only why they were there, but where they were. Were they going to a Town Hall meeting? A funeral? A church service?
LANDUAGE ISSUES:
The sentence starting with “Enoch…” didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t know at all what she was trying to say. Also,I am not very familiar with the word “matriculate” and feel like the average reader might not be either. Perhaps that is consistent talk throughout the book from that person. If so, I would have to keep a dictionary beside me when reading this book and that would normally be reserved for more intelligent pieces, not a paranormal mystery. Too much of that kind of talk might drive me away from the piece.
POINT OF VIEW:
Totally fine. I would assume I would find out who is speaking later.
VOICE:
No comments.
INCONSISTENCIES:
There were two I noticed. As soon as the policeman told them where to park, the narrator slid off the seat while at the same time thinking the logical next thought about him getting into the department. Did the narrator get out right then? The car has to drive on, find a spot, and park before that person can slide off the seat.
Also, the sentence where Enoch rushes them in then leads into talking about mother matriculating in Latin school. Is Enoch the mother? Or why would Enoch’s speech remind the narrator of mother’s matriculating into Latin school? Way confusing!
Also, my general sense is that they were going to a Town Hall meeting, but then Enoch refers to singing. Why on earth would they sing at a Town Hall meeting? So then I’m wondering if it’s a funeral since it talks about someone “making a respectable exit” or if perhaps it is a church service because they wouldn’t sing at the beginning of a funeral. Then it indicates again that they are at a hall and I find myself totally lost as to the purpose of where they are and why they are there again as I travel through the piece.
GENERAL ENCOURAGEMENT:
In a general sense, it is good writing. The piece is so short that it is quite difficult to make a proper judgement, really. I would hope that there would be much to shed light on the situation in the rest of the chapter and that I would not continue to feel lost, which I assume is the case. I did feel like the piece would have explained itself later.
Keep writing and hire a good editor. It’s a great start!
MY IMMEDIATE REACTION:
My immediate reaction is that the piece here is confusing and doesn’t tell me much about the story line. Was I not prompted by the indication in the title of the post that it is a Paranormal Mystery, I surely wouldn’t know from this particular piece.
LIKES AND DISLIKES:
I lke that there is enough description to tell you that the venue is hot, packed, and hick. I disliked the use of the word “climb” to indicate how they navigated legs. To me, climb would indicate an upward motion.
ANYTHING THAT SEEMS UNCLEAR:
Glad you asked! It was unclear to me not only why they were there, but where they were. Were they going to a Town Hall meeting? A funeral? A church service?
LANGUAGE ISSUES:
The sentence starting with “Enoch…” didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t know at all what she was trying to say. Also,I am not very familiar with the word “matriculate” and feel like the average reader might not be either. Perhaps that is consistent talk throughout the book from that person. If so, I would have to keep a dictionary beside me when reading this book and that would normally be reserved for more intelligent pieces, not a paranormal mystery. Too much of that kind of talk might drive me away from the piece.
POINT OF VIEW:
Totally fine. I would assume I would find out who is speaking later.
VOICE:
No comments.
INCONSISTENCIES:
There were two I noticed. As soon as the policeman told them where to park, the narrator slid off the seat while at the same time thinking the logical next thought about him getting into the department. Did the narrator get out right then? The car has to drive on, find a spot, and park before that person can slide off the seat.
Also, the sentence where Enoch rushes them in then leads into talking about mother matriculating in Latin school. Is Enoch the mother? Or why would Enoch’s speech remind the narrator of mother’s matriculating into Latin school? Way confusing!
Also, my general sense is that they were going to a Town Hall meeting, but then Enoch refers to singing. Why on earth would they sing at a Town Hall meeting? So then I’m wondering if it’s a funeral since it talks about someone “making a respectable exit” or if perhaps it is a church service because they wouldn’t sing at the beginning of a funeral. Then it indicates again that they are at a hall and I find myself totally lost as to the purpose of where they are and why they are there again as I travel through the piece.
GENERAL ENCOURAGEMENT:
In a general sense, it is good writing. The piece is so short that it is quite difficult to make a proper judgement, really. I would hope that there would be much to shed light on the situation in the rest of the chapter and that I would not continue to feel lost, which I assume is the case. I did feel like the piece would have explained itself later.
Keep writing and hire a good editor. It’s a great start!
I found the excerpt a bit confusing. Where does the mother not matriculating in Latin school come in ?
I love the description of the sherrif and I am left wanting to know what this meeting is about. Whose John,and who is Enoch and this Helen woman. Defintely need to read more to fill in the gaps.
The hot, sticky feel to the day is well done as is the slight air of cynicism of the narrator.
I am curious as to what is meant by the ‘hot-heads ‘ meeting in the hall. Why hot- heads at what seems to be a rememberance service ? Curiouser and curiouser !
Scene well contructed in that I have a picture in my head of the setting .
Definitely only a glimpse at what the author has in store for us and this one could go anyway.
I also was confused like Cindy. Since the intro says this is from the beginning of the piece, I don’t believe it is the first words we read so we would know who died and the intended destination here.
I realize parking the car is boring stuff and I knew they reached the parking lot without you telling us. Perhaps though if you say, By the time Enoch parked the car my legs stuck to the seat. (She wouldn’t slide off a sticky seat.)
I realize showing not telling is more desirable, but I think the main part of the scene is inside the hall. So possibly you could “tell” about the deputy’s appearance and get us to the meaty part of the scene quicker.
Cars lined the streets like linked sausages around Canaan Height’s town hall. Deputy Hollis Wolford had directed us to the church parking lot. His lazy eye and tobacco stained mouth made me wonder how he got into the sheriff’s department. By the time Enoch parked the car my legs stuck to the seat.
“C’mon, Rhododendron Maximum. We’re missing the Ol’ Time Bloomers Raiders.”
I’m guessing the discussion is how John died in an airplane crash. But you don’t want your reader guessing, so tell us. Also the thing about her mother and Latin has me wondering what it has to do with anything, and I had to look up the word matriculate. It doesn’t make sense to me.
The fact she grabbed a fan is part of telling us how hot it is and as you mention “hot heads” in the meeting. I think it could still be added but perhaps a table is set up with fans for the participants and to try and get people to come to that particular church on a Sunday?
I had a problem with her name. I stumbled and had to go back to reread. It is a mouthful. And it reminded me of James Patterson’s Maximum Ride, although this story is nothing like that.
I like how you have shown crowds of people showing up to this event. How it is important to the town. A little rewrite will make this better.
I like it. There are interesting, evocative details (the funeral-home fan – love that). I am not sure exactly what is going on at the meeting yet, but I think that is the point; it is intriguing – something has the town in a lather, and I want to read more to find out what.
The only weaknesses are small ‘editable’ ones that relate to sentence flow, e.g.,
“A deputy, directing the traffic, slowed us down. Hollis Wolford leaned into our car, tobacco juice staining the corner of his mouth.” – “A deputy” is general and implies the narrator does not know the person, but he is named in the next sentence, so it should read “THE deputy, Hollis Wolford, directs the traffic…”
There are a few other minor language issues like that, but nothing that couldn’t be easily fixed. Loose stones on the story-road, not road blocks! What is most significant is that the writing is interesting. The writer has engaged me with their very visual details, and the characters, in this very short excerpt, are already fleshing out.
I shared most of the confusions cited by others, except for matriculate, which is a fancy word but then the mother went to a fancy latin school, but the reader did feel on site in the story. Sausages, tobacco juice, lazy eye (but what then is a wayward eye?), detail of the fan, rushed me to the door, cluster of men, line of legs. But no sounds, no colors (possible: clothes, eye) except for tobacco and sausage, no sounds, no tastes. Easy to read sentences. Interesting concoction: ain’t, Ol’ Time Bloomers Raiders, your basic stupid cop (I inherently react negatively to this because it makes things too easy), so the narrator knows the stupid cop and thinks he’s an anomaly in the department, so other cops are smart, country songs but mother went to something like Boston Latin or Beacon Hill Latin. So you don’t know it’s paranormal from this, but why can’t the reader wait a little?
Immediate reactions:
I was confused by the things that I listed below under “unclear.” You’re likely to lose a reader by confusing them in the first page. I felt that there was a humorous element running underneath the narrative. It seemed like there would be some unique characters further along. Are they late arriving for the funeral? The “hot-heads” part makes me wonder what may happen. I do want a little taste of what the paranormal part might be.
Likes and dislikes:
I liked the details you used. Sausage links, tobacco stain, sticky seat. Do you need to start with them parking? Maybe start with them rushing up the steps and retain some of the same narrative/dialogue. I’m starting to like Rhododendron.
Anything that seems unclear:
I was confused within the first sentence. I guessed that Canaan Height’s was the name of the town but given the characters’ names that might not be obvious. Would the deputy motion you to stop not “slowed us down?” Would the narrator refer to a deputy she knows as “the deputy” and then name him in the next sentence? “C’mon, Rhododendron Maximum. We’re missing the Ol’ Time Bloomers Raiders.” The use of her full name makes it more confusing. If you just use the first name here, it would make it simpler to understand the unusual name. Or if she has a nickname that’s a shortened form of her name, he could use that and then the narrator could explain her full name. I had to guess that the Raiders was the name of a band (if I’m correct)? Again, unusual name and I wouldn’t expect a band to play at a funeral. If you include “band” at the end of their name it becomes clear. Should I know who John Polk is? When you mention the matriculate part, it needs to follow “Rhododendron” immediately since it refers to her name. You could expand on that to make it clearer. Does she have siblings with odd names? What is going on in the funeral home when they enter, hasn’t started yet? Are they running late? I don’t get a clear sense of this. They would be out of breath if rushing in and sweating already.
Language issues:
Some sentences could flow better. ” . . . like linked sausages” could be “like sausage links.” He pointed toward the church instead of “his finger pointed.”
Point of view: Good.
Voice:
I’m getting the sense that the narrator may be a little snarky, which is good.
Inconsistencies:
You have them rushing to the funeral home door when I thought they had to park far away. “Sliding off the sticky car seat” implies fake leather or leather seat. In this case, wouldn’t she be getting stuck (if she’s in a skirt). If in pants, I don’t think a sticky seat would matter.
General encouragement:
I think if you revise some of the unclear areas, it will improve the flow tremendously. This is such a short excerpt to judge and you have the advantage of knowing what comes next. I’m definitely wondering about the rest of the story.
I agree with the above comments, the excerpt is confusing and then not quite interesting enough to keep a reader’s attention. Hope I don’t sound to harsh, but is is way better to get honest opinions before hand so you can fix it up. Maybe this was just not a good piece to use as the excerpt and the rest is much better. The first three sentences are descriptive and give a good picture. After being told to park somewhere else the driver immediately gets out of the car and is at the church door, so this is kind of confusing.
Thanks to those who offered feedback. Here’s a little filler: Retired school teacher and now town librarian, Laurel Whetsell, of Canaan Heights, West Virginia and her husband, Enoch, attend a town hall meeting. We discover Laurel’s name just a couple more lines from where the excerpt is cut.
Citizens petitioned their reluctant mayor for this meeting because the town’s water pressure is fluctuating, even to the point of no water at times. The mayor attempts to deflect the problem, even hosting a country music band to play before the meeting to “sooth the savage denizens.”
So, there’s no funeral, though when the mayor falls off the platform into buckets of paint he probably wish he had died. Laurel and Enoch’s comments about John Polk’s death forms a ‘book end’ as he ‘materializes’ in the book’s final quarter when Laurel’s lucid dream take her to a parallel world.
As to Enoch calling her “Rhododendrom Maximum”, “Great Laurel”, it’s a play on her name and the West Virginia state flower, thus her comment she’s glad her mother didn’t enroll in Latin classes and name her accordingly. I used the word ‘marticulate’ because Laurel’s education places her a notch above her hapless fellow citizens and she’s not shy admitting it. By the end of the book, Laurel discovers her analytical mind is part of her dilemma, but that’s a character arc thingy.
As to Deputy Hollis Wolford, he’s one of the story’s antagonist. But you don’t know that yet :-).
I appreciate the encouragement offered. I have no formal training in writing fiction, only what I’ve read from books and great blogs like Write It Sideways. That the story drives the curiosity in some commenters makes me want to dance, for if a story makes us want to read the next sentence, it might make us want to turn the next page.
I thought it well written. Very difficult to get the gist of the situation in a few hundred words. I thought the writer did a good job. And it was kept in the one POV which surely must be a plus. Cheers
The piece set a good atmosphere. I could feel the hot, sticky weather and the feelings of the narrator. It sparked my attention enough to want to find out what’s happening. But there are a few confusing things.
The narrator slides off the seat as soon as Hollis tells them where to park. Are they going to walk from there, or is there missing narrative about parking?
The funeral fan – Does this mean they are going to a funeral? Other indications suggest this, but it’s not clear. And hot-heads gathering – are we expecting trouble? At a funeral?
Rhododendron Maximum seems to be the narrator’s name. This is so strange that it jerks the reader out of the story. Also the reference to the mother’s matriculation – I assume this is about the name, but it’s too obscure.
Who is John? Is it his funeral?
Hope this helps. I think it’s got potential, but you’re guilty of rushing and thinking we know what you’re thinking. Take more time to make things clear. Good luck with it.
Like everybody else here is saying, I can’t seem to understand where the story is going unlike other stories wherein with just few paragraphs, you’re already on your way to knowing what the story is about. Maybe because it is just an excerpt but still, a good book is something that will draw you instantly even before you read the whole story. This is just my pure opinion. 🙂
This is a really refreshing sample of first person story telling. I like the colorful word choices and quirky names! One thing I’m not sure about is who she’s talking to while getting up from the sticky car seat. I really do want to know what happens next. Nicely done.
It was a little confusing, I wondered what they were doing, why is the town so full of cars, but at the same time it has an interesting potential. It seemed to rush from the car to the door of the building.