Please welcome today’s aspiring author, Cody Connor, ready for a peer critique.
Take a moment to read the excerpt, then please leave some thoughtful feedback in the comment section below.
If you are a writer whose excerpt has appeared anonymously on Write It Sideways, and now you’d like your name to appear on your piece, please contact me.
World Apart
Science Fiction
*Please note: This excerpt is taken from the beginning of the work.
The trio stood adjacent at the apex of the mount, their minds whirling as they stared out across the open valley before them. The sky was already shifting red with sunset, the hills on the horizon looming dark silhouettes on the fiery backdrop. The basin thrived with grasses and shrubs yet trees were absent, the openness revealing every detail to their sights. A towering precipice enclosed the region, its rugged walls embracing stones that threatened to fall but did not. The cliff’s shadowed face rose at such an angle that scaling it would be impossible without equipment; they knew that the only exit was where they now stood.
Darkened figures littered the glade, tall and rectangular but glistening in spots where the retreating light bounced off their lustrous surfaces: metallic they inferred. But what these objects were, they didn’t know, and it plagued their thoughts until the answer interrupted with a deafening boom that sent them reeling and ducking.
The racket of smashing metal boomed and echoed throughout the enclosing, initially the product of one box but then, slowly, the sporadic sounding of them all. The silent vista morphed instantly into chaos, the walls of the metal boxes shifting from within against blows of inhuman strength.
Cages.
The three stared at each other, their hearts racing as they awaited the moment when the structures would give way. They gripped their weapons tightly and cocked them in preparation. The click of bullets dropping into position drowned instantly amongst the clamor. Whatever they were, the creatures within were sent to kill, and their ferocity flaunted this charge.
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
Hi, Cody. Congratulations on submitting for critique. I have a couple of thoughts to share with you. You start with a lot of dense description of your setting. I understand that you’re trying to paint a specific picture, but I found myself bogged down. In some cases, I think simpler language would actually prove more powerful. Even in the first sentence:
“The trio stood adjacent at the apex of the mount, their minds whirling as they stared out across the open valley before them.”
The top of a mountain is a pretty spectacular place to start a novel, but I didn’t feel it. It felt more powerful this way:
“The three [friends, strangers, colleagues, enemies, cousins, aliens] stood on top of the mountain, staring across the open valley before them.”
This lets us know right away who your characters are. I think starting with all three of their minds whirling also presents a point of view problem.
My second suggestion would be to start with the action and weave in some of your description.
Finally, you tell us their hearts were racing in the final graf, but you should be making our hearts race instead. Be more specific. Stop talking about the trio as a monolith and give them individual identities. Character A struggles to maintain balance atop the ruined structure. Characters B and C grab their weapons at the sound of collapsing debris. Don’t tell us what they’re feeling; show us what they’re experiencing and let us feel it, too.
You have shown us a threatening landscape and set a dark tone in just a few grafs. Good luck as you move forward.
There are many things to like here. We begin with a solid scene that raises interest and generates story questions, and there are emotionally compelling events that have impact,
But some things held me back:
— The unidentified trio that blurs together. “Their minds whirling,” “Their hearts racing.” “Plagued their thoughts.” Are these are creatures that share emotions and a collective mind? If so, give me a solid indication that this is the case. If not, make them clear individuals. I’d suggest just picking one central character of the trio to focus your PoV from — Anchor your reader with a clearly defined character to identify with.
— There’s a hint of something important happening — “minds whirling” — but then we’re off into description of the scenery. Why are their minds whirling? Once you touch on that, stick with it Otherwise it’s like speaking with someone and going, “oh man, you can’t believe what’s happening to me. But first, let me tell you about what I had for breakfast.”
— The prose itself is a little, um, “hey look at me — I’m writing!” The word choices are a bit inflated (“their ferocity flaunted this charge”), and the descriptions get a little conflicted. The sound was “slowly” and “sporadic,” but yet “instantly…chaos.”
All of it serves to keep me at a distance.
I think there’s an interesting story unfolding here — I’d like to read more to find out who the trio is, what the noisy cages are holding, and what will happen next. I just think it needs a little more polish. Mainly, I’d lean towards focusing more on identifying one character and bringing your reader into their PoV;
It seems that every sentence is adding more and more to description. Your description was really heavy without needing to be so; even with all of the description, I still couldn’t get a clear view of the setting. Pretty much, it was too much, too fast. While I’m trying to imagine one thing, you’re throwing another at me and it all gets jumbled together in my mind.
With that said, you still have the skill of describing things well. Just spread it out. You could even be vague when describing the characters who are standing there. Maybe throw in a piece of clothing symbolic of their culture, narrowed eyes, silhouette. I can understand that you may not want to give away thier gender just yet, so you just have to work around it.
So, I really didn’t see anything wrong with it, just too much at one time and the absence of a solid character(s). You did a great job!
I’m not a huge fan of sci-fi, but I was drawn into your story. As I was reading, I was picturing the trailer of a summer blockbuster science fiction movie. I thought your descriptions were wonderful. The words weren’t overpowering, they were just enough to provide a clear picture of the scene.
I’d agree with the others that the POV was a bit confusing, I’d prefer to peek into the mind of one character or get an individual glimpse into the minds of each. Or maybe even a description of their behavior to indicate their varying levels of fear. In sci-fi, there’s usually that one bad *ss who isn’t afraid or welcomes a challenge. Something along those lines to shake things up.
But lastly, I LOVED the line ‘The silent vista morphed instantly into chaos, the walls of the metal boxes shifting from within against blows of inhuman strength.’
I’m at the edge of my seat waiting to see what’s inside and I’m afraid for the trio. Great job Cody!
Hi Cody,
It’s a well-written piece with some great details – the sky, the mountains in the background, the rocks that should have fallen but were defying gravity – but I would have preferred it if the story had started with the conflict. I’m not sure why the three people are there but it’s only at the end of the paragraph that I read they’re looking for an exit, which leads to the questions “Why?” and “Exit from what?” and “Where are they?”
We also don’t know if the characters are male or female or a mix of both. When I read, I like to be able to identify with the characters to some degree, so this excerpt leads me to ask “Who are these characters?”
It also appears that they are thinking the same thoughts without speaking to one another (e.g. “their minds whirling”, metallic they inferred”, “it plagued their thoughts”), which makes me wonder if their individual minds are part of one over-mind, which could make them creatures from another world and not human characters at all.
One of the most important functions of the start of the story is to make a reader understand who the protagonist(s) is/are and make the reader CARE about what happens to them.
Also, I’m not sure how the characters leaped to the conclusion that the objects were cages. Cages would have doors that could be opened, but it appears that whatever is in each cage has to beat its way out. Very costly for whoever owns the cages! And why do the characters think the inhabitants of the cages are going to kill them? And how do they know someone sent them to kill them?
It’s ok to raise story questions – it’s important, even – but most of these story questions need answering to put the conflict into perspective so that a reader can care about the characters and understand why what’s about to happen is so terrible/tragic.
Some language issues:
When I read “darkened figures littered the glade” I imagined people/creatures, but the figures turned out to be metal cages. “Dark objects littered the glade” would probably be better in that case. (“Darkened” suggests the object should usually be bright, but it’s been dimmed in some way, and not necessarily by the fading light.)
The way the cages have been described suggests they’re irregular in shape. Square metal objects would normally reflect light pretty evenly, but these ones “glistened in spots”. Glistened suggests moisture of some sort; if they’re not moist, then “gleamed” might be a better word choice. The “in spots” part is what suggests to me that the cages are irregularly-shaped.
I believe you have a very good idea of what the scene looks like from the details you included in it which is so important to help a reader immerse themselves in your story’s world. Perhaps you could try adding in a few other sensory details (smell, taste, touch, hearing) as well.
You’ve certainly set up an interesting situation and I know that if I knew more about the characters and how they’ve drawn their conclusions, I’d be compelled to keep reading to see how they get out of their predicament.
I wish you all the very best with your writing, Cody. 🙂
Hi Cody,
I think you did a good job with the overall effect your were aiming for, but some adjustments in focus might improve it and make it easier for you going forward.
The collective point of view hinders any empathy with the characters. It might be better to focus on one of the three right off. I think that would establish a focus and then the spectacle and paranoia of the scene would be better felt.
For example, instead of:
The trio stood adjacent at the apex of the mount, their minds whirling as they stared out across the open valley before them.
How about:
Robinson stood with the others at the apex of the mount and stared out across the open valley. His mind whirled …
I also had some difficulty with : “throughout the enclosing,” I kind of understood what this meant, but it seemed clumsy, and with a fast moving scene like this, you can’t afford the make the reader stumble or the entire effect is lost.
Keep it simple. Instead of:
The racket of smashing metal boomed and echoed throughout the enclosing, initially the product of one box but then, slowly, the sporadic sounding of them
all.
How about:
Smashing metal boomed and echoed across the valley, first one box, then others, until the entire valley floor ….
Keep it simple and direct.
Good luck.
I agree with the others regarding POV, word choice etc. The only thing new I have to offer is a question. What triggered the contents of the metallic boxes to start smashing their way out? I think that may be the key to what is happening? It reminded be of baby chicks or birds breaking out of their shells.
I can see you have made a real effort at scene setting…have you read it out loud? A little too much…it becomes confusing.
An interesting concept…keep it simple…at least in the beginning…give the reader a chance to get anchored.
Best Luck,
Gretchen
My first impression is that the beginning is too dense with description. I like the details, I just got lost in them. Certain words took me out of the story.
stood adjacent – adjacent seems unnecessary
stared out across the open valley – delete out; delete open (valley’s are usually somewhat open)
sky with sunset sentence is wordy
basin thrived – I think of people thriving; plants individually thriving; the basin would be lush or something like that
detail to their sights – should sights be plural? Does this relate to who they are (i.e., aliens or whatever)?
darkened figures – I immediately think people
metallic they inferred – you’re telling here; it’s distracting to the flow
the racket of smashing – delete racket and start with smashing metal
sporadic sounding – sporadic implies a few here and there and spaced out; not sure if that’s what you meant
gripped their weapons tightly – delete tightly; already implied with gripped
ferocity flaunted – not sure about this phrase
I think you need more sensory descriptions involving the characters, not so much about the setting. The reader needs the connection with the characters. I would like to see more connection among the characters, them looking at each other as boxes start moving, etc. Switching back and forth from the characters to the boxes would quicken the pace.
I agree with the POV comments. I don’t get a sense of the characters and relate to them yet. The lack of names is hard to get past.
I think that you’re very focused on writing these beautiful descriptions full of intricate details. Perhaps step back from it and see what is actually necessary to advancing the story. You can reduce a lot of it without losing the core. For example, when you describe the setting sun, you could combine that directly with the sentence about it glinting off the objects instead of using an entire extra sentence.
You do a great job of conveying a sense of impending doom. I want to know what explodes from the boxes!
Thank you for sharing your work!
I think this is a great start to an exciting plot. I was enveloped in the setting by your opening paragraph and felt a connection with your “trio” right away because the way you introduced them and their thoughts and reactions to the scene around them was intimate. By writing them as a collective I felt a sense of “team” or “unit” right off, which gave me a feeling that they were there for a very high purpose- i.e. save the world. I don’t need to know who they are just yet or how they know each other and by writing the story in the third person, I don’t need an explanation of how I would know what all three characters were thinking or feeling. What I do need to know is what horrific monstrosities are in those boxes…I got chills. The sight of the boxes crashing to the ground and “the walls of the metal boxes shifting from within against blows of inhuman strength,” will play in my head like a movie trailer for days.
I bet this is a mesmerizing story. I can tell by the effort you put into your writing. You are trying to get everything down just right. The problem is, there’s so much information that the reader has to work hard at keeping his mind on the task of reading. Reading should be pleasurable.
With that being said, I can tell you’re a writer. And that’s wonderful, because it means that you will be able to perfect your story. Question: If you were to tell this story out loud to your audience, would you tell it word for word (read it) or would you skip sections so that you could keep the listeners interested in your storytelling?
To perk the reader’s interest, I would start the story with this sentence. -The racket of smashing metal boomed and echoed throughout the enclosing,
The above suggestions are all good. Your story is interesting but the biggest piece of advice I always come across is “show don’t tell” . Maybe you could add some dialogue and individual thoughts of the characters, that always helps to pull a reader in, when they begin to ‘know’ the characters. Good luck.
Great writing! Those words really helps the readers visualize the scenario, the setting of the story.
I love the suspense you created with the noise coming from the metallic boxes and the need to load their weapons! I would like to see that momentum continued, rather than transitioning to more setting description.
I had to reread the first paragraph to fully understand the description. I still don’t have a clear picture. They are standing on a mountain top, but is the cliff rising above them or stretching out below them? I think the vocabulary may need to be a little simpler throughout the piece. I know this is science fiction, which tends to a higher vocabulary, but it sometimes seems to get in the way of the ‘flow’ of the writing.
And as others have stated, the point of view is little confusing as well. Who should I care about? All three? Or is there a main character?
I can’t wait to find out what’s in those boxes!
I agree that the opening is long and confusing.