I’m feeling a little stressed these days.
Last night, and every night for more than ten months, I’ve had very little sleep. My baby likes to wake up every two hours, and get up for the day at four in the morning. I get up with him, which means by dinner I’m ready for bed.
Today, my older son happened to be sick, too. Now that my throat is sore, I’m suspecting he’s been kind enough to pass along his cold.
Still, it isn’t really the extreme lack of sleep or feeling under the weather that’s stressing me out. The sleep issue is ongoing, but I’ve sort of adjusted. The illness will be short-lived, so I can handle that.
No, the biggest reason I’m feeling stressed is because I’m finding it increasingly difficult to find time to write.
Our Lives Change
Though it sounds pretty insignificant, one issue affecting the amount of time I spend writing is the fact that my almost-ten-month-old son has recently become mobile. He’s crawling everywhere, pulling up on everything, and ready to go, go, go, all day long. Our house is pretty cramped, so danger lurks around every corner.
Now, instead of having a snuggle on the couch with baby and my laptop, and pounding out several hundred words, I’m jumping up every 30 seconds to redirect him to a safer crawling route.
Don’t get me wrong–I’m very grateful my son is healthy, happy, and full of energy. It’s just that I can’t possibly write more than one sentence at a time while he’s awake.
(Did I mention he doesn’t nap, either??)
We All Want to Give Up Sometimes
The other day I was trying to work on a freelance piece in the midst of my baby’s exploration, and I started to realize there was just no point in continuing. It was physically impossible to do anything but follow him around everywhere he went.
I asked myself why I was even bothering with that article. In fact, for a while I figured I should give up not only the piece I was working on, but everything to do with writing.
Wouldn’t life be so much easier if I didn’t care anymore? I could go back to watching television at night. I’d have more time to clean the house during the day. My mind wouldn’t be a constant deluge of nagging ideas.
Yes, it was perfect. So I said, I give up.
Real Writers Never Really Give Up
I did give up writing, you know—for about 12 hours. That was all it took for me to realize I just needed a break. I also realized that if I wasn’t in this for the long haul, I would have given up ages ago.
After some time to relax and rethink things, I came up with a great idea—an idea that would help me write and concentrate a little more, while ensuring baby had room to explore in safety.
I repositioned my older son’s bed to section off half of his bedroom, and moved all of his stuff to the opposite side of the room. When I need some time to write, baby and I go in there with some toys, and shut the door. I sit on the bed with my laptop, and baby plays in the carpeted area in front of the bed. Voila! No need to redirect him—he’s safe, and he can even pull up on the side of the bed (as opposed to the t.v. stand or the bookshelf), or look at himself in the full-length mirror bolted to the wall.
It may not be an ideal situation, and my writing sessions are much shorter than they used to be, but the point is that rather than give up on writing, I found a solution to my problem. I also remind myself that this issue is temporary. Babies grow, they change, and one day I’ll have a lot more time for writing.
How Do You Cope with Give Up Moments?
What things make you want to give up writing for good? How do you deal with them?
Please take a moment to share any strategies or tips you have for coping with give up moments.
I do a version of what you did: walk away from it for awhile (a few hours, a few days). Let my mind alone and see whether a solution bubbles up. It always does. Stepping back from the trouble, even if only for a walk around the block, is the best way I know to hit RESET.
Going for walks is a great way to reset, Lindsay! It’s spring here in Australia, but when the nights start to get a bit lighter after dinner, I plan to leave the baby with my husband and get out for a walk by myself. Looking forward to it 🙂
I think it’s important to know the “give up for now” moments versus the “give up” moments. The only real way to know which is which is to have experienced both. I’ve “given up” writing a few times, and it’s always ended up with me frustrated and unhappy. I spent two years not writing and it was the most miserable two years of my life. On the flip side, I gave up on a good job that I didn’t realize I had loathed until after I was outta there, and I haven’t looked back since. So I guess what it boils down to is whether you can live without it. If writing makes you unhappy – not just for a session or a day, but really, really unhappy – give it up and don’t look back. That’s the breaking point.
I like that you make the distinction between giving up for now, and plain giving up. I believe, if writing is truly important to you, you’ll go back to it eventually, whether that be after two hours or two years. It’s much easier to give up something you can live without.
Boy, I’ve had tons of these. Still get them more often than I care to think about.
The first thing to assess, which you’ve done, is whether your time-stealing stress factor is temporary. You’ve done that. The cold will pass. So will the baby’s sleepless nights, although it takes some longer than others. (My oldest didn’t sleep thru the night until the age of 4.)
Then, if it’s a shift in your life, than you need a shift in your writing paradigm. If you can no longer do what you used to do–in frequency, in time of day, in duration–accept that. I warn you, this is the hard part. But crucial to the next step, which is moving on and establishing a new paradigm. If you used to write in the early mornings but can’t because you’re asleep due to late night baby adventures, then write when baby naps during the day or perhaps early evening, right after dinner.
If you used to write for an hour or more at a time, but can’t seem to manage that, then write for 15-20 min at a time. Perhaps you can squeeze a few of these out per day.
If you used to write 7 days a week, but now only write 4 days a week, ask yourself if you can live with that. Schedule a longer duration to complete projects so you won’t feel squeezed by deadlines.
I was once went to bed thankful that I managed to scribble 12 words on a sheet of notebook paper. I had written. I felt better about myself and my writing, and the next day, I had a prompt for where I needed to pick up my story.
The thing about life is that it keeps changing, so we must keep changing too. But we don’t have to give up!
My older son woke up once a night until he was five , Patricia! I know your pain 🙂 I’m trying to change the way I look at the length and frequency of my writing sessions, and I do realize things will never be the same as they were before. I’m looking into alternatives like having my husband watch the kids on a Saturday afternoon while I hole up somewhere with the laptop. I’ve also considered driving around in the car until baby falls asleep, then parking and doing some writing until he wakes up!
At least you have a few worthy excuses to pull your attention away.
Me, I an active button of avoidance, any thing not actually turn my words to print.
With out a full stirred life, there is nothing to write about, but..you could think about switching up the physical act of writing, and get a voice recorder and a voice-to-text; the tools that all the little busy bodies with 7 books and 3 books and two wives use to keep them in the game. I’m thinking about it myself, since I tend to wander.
Be easy and gentle with You. Cheers!
Thanks for the suggestions, Teri 🙂 My husband actually suggested a voice recorder, but I find it so hard to think of things to write if I’m not actually looking at the words on a page. In fact, I rarely even write with a pen and paper, opting to use the computer instead. Maybe I should train myself to use one, though. Great idea!
Boy, my kids are a little older (just a little), but I sat right where you were the other day — tired, frustrated, on the brink of a cold. I love what you said, though, “…if I wasn’t in this for the long haul, I would’ve given up ages ago.” That’s an important reminder for me when I really, *really* feel like walking away from writing.
What I did this time around: I allowed myself some TV time, I read instead, and I knitted. Those “give up” days are frustrating, but usually they’re short-lived.
Thanks for your post 🙂
I think I need to veg out for a few nights, Christi! I realized the other day that I’ve only watched a handful of TV shows in the past three months because I’ve been so busy and going to bed so early to make up for four o’clock wake-ups. My husband always says TV is a waste of time, and I agree my time can be better used, but goodness–sometimes a girl just needs to veg out!! Maybe I’ll rent a girly movie this weekend 😉
My little girl is 4 1/2 months old and I am NOT looking forward to the day I have to chase her around the house! I foresee my days looking much like yours and I’m sure I’ll lose my will to write (and possibly to live) as well.
You’re right, though, when you say that one day, he will grow past this stage. In fact, one day all our kids will be in preschool and we’ll have loads of time to write. And in the meantime, think of all the life experience we’re gaining for inspiration. 😉
I think it won’t be quite so bad once he can walk around on his own without falling over, and when he knows enough not to slam his fingers in drawers/pull up on the TV stand, etc. Of course, that could be more than a year from now 😉 Right now I just can’t take my eye off him. Good luck with your own little one!
I think life likes to see how colorfully annoying it can be on occasion. Between ten cats, twenty dogs, homeschooling my son, and his medical issues, my days are usually beyond full. This also doesn’t take into account potential adopters calling to adopt a greyhound. Some are viable leads others, not so much. (My favorite call is still the guy who wanted to adopt a greyhound because he purchased a new mobile home.)
Anyway, there was only one choice: simplify my life and regiment my time. During the week I’m up at three in the morning. I don’t wake up fast so by four, I’m ready to write and finish at five when the household is off and running. The dogs go out, husband is getting ready work, breakfast is cooking, get my son up, dogs come back in, feed cats, husband leaves, clean up breakfast mess, start the kid on his school work, feed the dogs. Pant, pant, pant. It’s only six-thirty. The rest of the day tied up with homeschooling, house cleaning, kennel room cleaning, animal care and yes, those dreaded adoption calls that don’t make any sense what-so-ever.
After dinner, my husband takes charge of the house. He sees to it that dinner mess is cleaned up, the kid is looked after and turns out the hounds. For me it’s two hours of peace and quiet to do whatever I want. I usually write, but if I had a frustrating day it could mean a bubble bath, a glass of wine and a book.
I also make sure to take one day off a week, usually on a Saturday. The husband tends to the household chores, my son goes to a friend or relatives house and I am free to write all day long.
I will also say that I have Dragon Naturally Speaking (A voice to text program) and it’s been a god send. Well, that’s after you get use to it. For a while you feel stupid, crazy or both.
Sounds like you have a very supportive husband! Mine is a bit like that, too. He took the kids last night and let me have a bath and go to bed right after dinner. I feel a bit better this morning because of that–and good thing, because baby was up at 4:45 am!
Hi Suzannah,
I’ve followed you for awhile, but never joined the conversation until now. I SO hear where you are today. I have been going gung-ho for four years with my writing and this last month I’ve just hit a wall. I want to get off Facebook and Twitter and haven’t blogged in weeks. It feels like I’ve just used all the words up and have nothing else to give! Not only that, but now I’m rethinking my whole ‘platform’ and why I’m doing this in the first place.
With six kids (who are home all day because we homeschool), finding time to write has been super challenging. I’ve incorporated about ten different schedules based on how old the kids were and who needed what when. Right now I’m staying up late to write because the kids are at the age (finally, thank God) where they all like to stay up later and sleep in later. I find that staying up late and sleeping in works for me, although most of my writer friends are early birds. When on a deadline I hire an older child to babysit a younger one. My hardest days are when the older ones are out and I am with the littles by myself. My encouragement to you (not that you asked for it!) is to get baby on a schedule. That alone could give you hours a day while he’s napping, at least until he’s 2 or 3. Getting kids to learn to sleep well has been the ONLY thing that has kept me sane:):)
Anyway, thank you for writing about this. I’m interested in hearing how other writers overcome burnout/discouragement as right now, I’m about ready to donate my MacBook to charity.
Wow, six homeschooled kids! I have a friend here with six kids who also homeschool, and I’m constantly in awe of how she manages to do it. If you haven’t heard of her already, check out Jody Hedlund’s blog. I believe she’s a homeschooling mom with six kids, too, and she’s just written her second novel for Bethany House. She has some great advice for writer moms.
I’ve been trying to get baby on a schedule for so long, but he really resists. Going overseas for six weeks to see my family really messed up his clock, but he was a poor sleeper before that. I’ve tried getting him to go down for routine daytime naps, tried the bath before bed…but nothing seems to work. He goes down fine around 8 pm, but he’s up every few hours during the night, and come 4 am he wants to be up and playing. Ah well, maybe one day!
If there’s a skill that’s been lost in modern culture it’s the ability to wait.
When you get hit with a feeling — any feeling, but in this case frustration — simply note it and watch it. Don’t respond, don’t plan ahead, don’t start changing your compass heading or trimming the sails or scheduling therapy.
Wait.
One of the great life lessons that too many people miss out on is that time — the mere ticking of the clock — will often reveal what you feel to be transient and normal in its transience. Allow yourself more emotional room. Allow yourself to feel without responding to your feelings.
And read this:
http://www.ditchwalk.com/2010/08/27/the-storytelling-life/
It echoes what you’ve said, and applies to any kind of writing or craft or love.
First of all, I have to say what a great article this is for writers everywhere. The hardest part of writing for me is that I spend months on a manuscript with just a hope in my heart that it won’t just be me reading one day and that my book and I will be on the bookshelves at some point. That’s the hardest part for an author-in-the making. Thankfully, the love I have for my characters and plots is what gets me through it. Every day so I keep at it until my dreams do come true. 🙂
I’m just getting over one of those moments. It’s a little bit of a struggle to get back, but sometimes life literally does get a bit overwelming!
I take a break. It could be hours, days, weeks – this last time, about 2 months. But in the meantime, I’m writing down ideas as they come, I research FUN things, I talk to my characters and just have popcorn and movie night with them. *shrug*
And then when I’m finally relaxed, I come back and my writing is AWESOME!
Frankie
I’ve just had that moment myself in the last 24 hours of finalizing the third Future Imperfect novel to be submitted to my editor. I panicked thinking I’d destroyed the pace and the premise and went into total meltdown. Most of the time when I have those moments, I give in to either tears or screams of rage or frustration or fear or a combination of all three. Now, I realize most people cannot do that but most of the time by letting my emotions out I realize that things are not as terrible as they seem. I look for ways to go back into the story and fix things without too much trauma to the storyline. By the time my temperment calms back down, things are better than I expect. Weird but true.
P.I. Barrington
I loved your post, but you and I are in the exact opposite place. My daughter has gone to college and now the house is preternaturally quiet. I have all the time in the world to write, yet sometimes the Muse is absent; the spirit is not willing; the mind, body, and soul connection required for me to produce good prose has taken a hike. But writers don’t give up. We rethink what we want to say, or take a rest that clears the clutter from our minds–whether from fatigue or loneliness–and helps us get back to the one thing that will never leave us…by going to college: our work! Good luck with your article, and never forget to cherish those fleeting moments with your little one. Ask any empty nester! This can be a tough adjustment too.
Good to hear the opposite perspective! Thanks, Susan 🙂
general ed courses in college make me want to give up writing. I get so frustrated with math, science, and french. It doesn’t make it any better that these classes are pointless for an English major and I hate when i have to study for something pointless and I can be doing something meaningful like writing.
I coupe with it by accepting college for what it is and do what I have to do. I study for 30 minutes and write for the rest of the day ;).
I hate to admit that I’d given up on writing for a lot longer than 12 hours. I now approach give up moments by stepping away and giving myself a break. Doing something physical – walking, yoga, biking, dancing. Most importantly I give myself a change of attitude.
Just recently I was working on a client project that I’d been procrastinating on. After some meditation and a complete attitude adjustment there was an amazing difference in my approach to the project and (gasp!) I enjoyed it immensely.
I hope things have gotten much better for you since writing this post. I love that you found such a great solution for you and your son. If your solution doesn’t work forever, remember that one sentence at a time is progress.
As far as his sleeping goes, can a mom of three chime in? (I fully realize you know your child best, and my ideas may be worthless for you.)
As far as sleeping better at night, Kimberly from Life in a Shoe recently wrote a post about that which is similar to what I have always done. http://inashoe.com/2010/10/baby-sleep-night/
I would also suggest that if he is not napping, perhaps he is so exhausted at night he can’t sleep well.
Just my thoughts.
Keep writing! I pray that things have gotten easier for you.
Sorry about the delayed reply, Rebecca–your comment got stuck in my filter because of the link. Thanks for the recommendation! Baby has been sleeping a bit better during the day, but not really during the night. Thanks!