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Take a moment to read the excerpt and leave some thoughtful feedback in the comment section below.
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No Limitz
YA Fiction
*Please note: This excerpt is taken from the beginning of the work.
From somewhere deep within my dreams I heard my baby sister’s hungry cry. I scrambled through the cobwebs of sleep and looked for the luminous display of the alarm clock on my bedside table.
5:17 am.
Ugh.
I had to get up quickly or else little Zoe’s cry would wake my brothers in the next room and it was way too early for their antics.
I threw off the duvet and crossed the room to her cot. The early dawn light was weak but there was just enough to make out Zoe’s scrunched up features.
I tried to sooth her by hushing her in gentle tones and stroking her face. But she wasn’t having it. She was adamant that now was the time for breakfast and she howled louder to make sure I understood.
I whipped on my pink, over-sized dressing gown and bundled Zoe up in my arms; by the smell of things it was a clean nappy she was after too!
Together we descended downstairs as the rest of the household slept on.
I warmed a bottle of milk in a bowl of hot water as I had observed so many times before. Zoe was much happier in a clean nappy and together we snuggled on the sofa. I listened to the soft, rhythmic gulps as Zoe fed and watched her chubby little hands come to rest on the bottle. I was careful to keep the teat full of milk so she wasn’t taking in gulps of air; and her eyes flickered closed in contentment.
Potential Feedback Prompts
When you respond, you might consider:
- your immediate reactions
- likes and dislikes
- anything that seems unclear
- language issues
- point of view
- voice
- inconsistencies
- general encouragement
Thanks!
Hi– Well, it looks like I’m the first to comment. First, thank you to the person who posted, I know how hard it can be for complete strangers to critique your work!
My immediate impression is I’m intrigued why this teen girl is up in the night taking care of an infant sibling. The absence of parents clues me in that something is definitely not whole with the family. I know this excerpt is quite short, and maybe your next lines will give a glimpse of all this, but if it’s too much futher in, I would suggest cutting out some of these lines to work in the context.
For example this line: Together we descended downstairs as the rest of the household slept on.
Why did the rest of the household sleep on? Why is this teen girl taking care of the family rather than the parents? This might be a good place to enter some of the character’s thoughts so we can get an idea of her age, her attitude about taking on such a caretaking role, etc. It’s a good place to show the character perception of things beyond showing us what she’s doing.
The title No Limitz with a Z makes me think it’s a contemporary piece, but so far the voice and writing style doesn’t give me much indication of a time period. The voice feels a little old for a teen BUT considering the character is caring for a sibling like a parent would, this might be for a reason. As long as it’s made clear within the narrative that she’s growing up too fast with burdens thrust on her I think it would make sense.
For your next edit, I would look for ways to reduce some of the adjectives and adverbs (“hungry” cry, “luminous” display, “gentle” tones). In many cases you don’t need those extra words — hushing her implies a gentle tone so saying both is redundant. Look to weed those out and keep the ones that work to make the sentence stronger.
Thank you for sharing your work. I hope that my comments are helpful.
You may want to rethink your opening scene. After writing a waking scene at the beginning of my first novel, I heard through various sources (writing blogs, agent blogs) that opening a book with the MC waking up was the kiss of death.
I wonder if one of the main themes of your book is the MC playing the mom to her siblings. It makes me want to know more. I like the idea of this teenager showing so much tenderness toward her baby sister.
One thing I noticed in this excerpt – most of the paragraphs start with “I.” This is difficult to avoid with first person POV, but if I notice it in this brief piece, it may be the same throughout.
For a contemporary teen voice, there are some word choices I’m not certain fit: luminous display, gentle tones, dressing gown. “Descending downstairs” should probably be “descending the stairs” or “going downstairs.”
One thing that I wanted more in this piece was the MC’s reaction to taking care of the baby. You’re doing a lot of telling in terms of her actions with the baby and what the baby is doing. Especially in the final paragraph, how would the MC feel at this point? Dead tired? Would her body finally relax because she calmed the baby? Is she annoyed to be up that early? A teenager would be much more emotional in this situation. I don’t get a feeling for how the MC feels about her life at this point. That would also give me a cue as to her personality. I could picture the MC being angry on first entering the baby’s room, but seeing her face would make her mothering instinct come out.
It’s difficult to critique such a short piece, so I hope that you find some of my comments useful. Keep writing!
This is well written, and from some of the words used it makes me wonder if the author is from somewhere other than the States. (just a side note, not that it matters :D)
I like this. I too wonder why a young person seems to bare such a huge responsibility. It makes me want to find out the story behind the story. I am in agreement about the adjectives and adverbs, but overall feel your style is strong.
For me the style did not seem dated as much as Anglican. It might be cultural differences that some are picking up on?
Either way, good job, and keep it up. You can do it!
I like this. It is a good description of the start to a normal day in a normal house. But is it normal. The rest of the house sleeps. Or do they. What woke baby Zoe up. The theories are endless. The story could be any genre, from a sycological thriller to a horror. And it copuld be set in any time frame. Enjoyed reading it.
I want to encourage you to keep writing. The comments that others have made about your style should be helpful, but don’t get too hung up on style at first. Focus on your story. Get in the mind of your main character and see the story as she sees it. Many of the word choice issues can be handled in later drafts.
As others have mentioned, give us more clues about why she is playing the parent role and how she feels about it. I would be very interested to see how this story progresses.
I think this excerpt establishes the voice of the narrator nicely. I found it interesting to read (if not riveting). But I agree with the other comments; there are really too many unnecessary descriptions. You should take most of them out and leave only the ones that are vital to getting your point across.
Specific errors: she should “soothe” little baby Zoe, rather than “sooth” her. “Descending downstairs” is awkward and a little redundant. And I personally have never heard anyone say “nappy” except my great-grandmother. A modern teen would probably just say “diaper”.
The tone of the piece changes too suddenly from weary and frustrated (5:17 am. Ugh.) to spry and capable (I whipped on my dressing gown and bundled Zoe up in my arms!)
Overall, it is an interesting piece. If there was one thing I could say, it would be that it seems to lack purpose. I feel as though the main character should, after hushing the baby and changing her, do something that tells the reader a bit more about the situation. Even if it’s just sitting in the dark kitchen and thinking to herself, or getting ready to go to a morning job, or to school. We get the idea that she’s taking care of the baby, but we don’t even know what her house is like. Is it a mid-city apartment? A hovel? A suburban home?
You give us a lot of detail about the things that don’t really matter (the color of her dressing gown) and not nearly as much about the things that do. As the writer, you need to keep in mind that the readers only know as much as you tell them.
I agree with many of the above comments – I’m intrigued by the fact that a teenage girl is the one who has to get up to take care of the baby, but I’m bored by unnecessary details. Some are useful, eg. warming the bottle in warm water, keeping the teat full so the baby doesn’t gulp air. As someone who has never taken care of children, this information immediately tells me that the narrator is experienced and thoughtful, since these things would not have occurred to me. However, I think some details – rising from her dreams, the description of her dressing gown – are too mundane and say nothing about the characters.
I assume there is something notable about her home life, so some details about the house, her family, the neighbourhood etc., would be more intriguing. Personally, I like details that raise questions but don’t answer them – it gets you to read further. Details that speak volumes about characters are particularly good. So, for example, you could describe what one of her brothers might say or do if woken by the baby, rather than just hinting at “their antics”. You could describe the sofa, or the feeling of sitting on it – is it comfortable/uncomfortable, old/new, lumpy, too soft, smelly, creaky (leather?), etc.? There might be noises outside that tell us something about where the characters live.
About the word nappy: the previous commenter disapproves of it as old-fashioned, but I only know “diaper” as an American word, and “nappy” sounds much more normal, regardless of age. Unless your teenager is American, or from a culture that mostly uses the word “diaper”, then I think you could leave it as is.
Leave the nappy be! Even in American it is commonly used outside of the mainstream American mall culture. This cues me as to what this is not, all about middle-class America.
Do I have questions? Sure. Do they make me want to read on? Yep. That’s a good thing, not something I want you to over fix.
If your next edit has an eye on redundancies (as noted in comments above), you might sneak in some streamlined setting references. Set the stage a bit, just enough for depth of flavor.
Thank you for sharing your work. I hope we have been of help.
I can’t improve on the suggestions above. I like the writing but, as said before, would liked to know why the mother or father wasn’t the one who responded to your baby sister’s early morning cries. You have talent that will grow with more use. Listen to the critiques but don’t let them drag you down. Keep writing. You have potential.
One of the nice things about WIS’s critiques is reading what others have written first. It’s as good as reading the excerpt. And saves time! (But I can’t imagine what makes this Anglican. What else of another reader’s background makes a difference?) I think there’s some kind of logical conflict/confusion in this excerpt. This sentence: “I warmed a bottle of milk in a bowl of hot water as I had observed so many times before.” was odd to me. She had seen somebody else do it, so that means she hadn’t done it before. Yet she was up and was ready to take on responsibility for the first time ever. Otherwise she would know. So there’s something missing that needs to be made explicit: why is she alone and why is she doing this for the first time? Why does she know she’s the one responsible. It needs something like “as mom told me before she left” but more ominous than just that.
I agree with some of the previous comments regarding description. The first thing that jumped out at me was use of the word “duvet” “dressing gown” and then “nappy” giving me a Brit feel – my sense is that American teens don’t use those particular descriptives, so if your setting is outside the US … well done… I am very interested in they story, why this young lady is taking care of an infant sibling and want to continue reading …. I can not think of a teen who would use the word “luminous” to describe a clock … regardless of maturity level – try to get a better handle on regional descriptives and dialogue to make the reader understand where this is taking place .. great story line so far .. would love to read more! Bravo to you!
I just wanted to say a huge thank you to those who took time to read my work. I was so nervous and anxious about what might be said but now I have so much to take away from the experience and it has also sparked my motivation again.
I would like to take a moment to respond to just a few of the comments….
I am an aspiring author from the UK, so this is also another reason why I have used the word “nappy” instead of “diaper” …
With the dressing gown scene, in hindsight, I have to agree that it probably wasn’t necessary, but I was trying to show how the girl still seems so small/young despite all of her responsibility
The character does go into reflection straight after the end line… but now I am wondering if I need to get the reader there quicker…
The problem I have when I write is that I want to create a picture. But then I have so many ideas/pictures in my mind that I end up with too much! I am trying to learn how to be more efficient with words!
A huge thank you to all again… I now go back to scribbling more notes!! 😉